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People Who Can Eat A Bag of Dicks About The Boston Massacre

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Now that it's clear that we aren't going to be getting to that laundry today, we are going to approach the events in Boston like we do any huge news story: By following multiple newsfeeds and sharing them with our Wonkette friends. This livebloog is going to be a combination of group hug and more than a little eye-rolling at what we find crawling across our monitors. Assisting Yr Doktor Zoom in the Sekrit Chatcave are Yr Editrix, Snipy, Wonkette Jr., and Stefan Bc.


Our first bag of dicks goes to Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, who converted Charlie Pierce's reminder that it's too early to assume that this is foreign terrorism into "Esquire Mag Blames “Patriots Day' Supporters for the Boston Bomb Blasts." What Pierce actually said was:

Obviously, nobody knows anything yet, but I would caution folks jumping to conclusions about foreign terrorism to remember that this is the official Patriots Day holiday in Massachusetts, celebrating the Battles at Lexington and Concord, and that the actual date (April 19) was of some significance to, among other people, Tim McVeigh, because he fancied himself a waterer of the tree of liberty and the like.

Which totally assigns blame, right?

5:55 Stefan shares a photo of the finish line as it looks when the world is sane:

6:10 And here comes President Obama...

6:15 About as you'd expect, a reminder that Boston has full support of the Federal govt, We are All Purple Americans, there are no Red states or Blue States, except on Twitter, of course.

6:17 Our next bag of dicks goes to the reprehensible Alex Jones:

6:21 Aaannnnnd Mathew Boyle wins "FIRST" for accusing President Obama of weakness:

Enjoy that bag of dicks, Matt!

6:29 Our apologies, it may actually be a tie. What is certain is that Obama Does Not Care:

6:35: From earlier in the afternoon, Wonkette Jr. found a "lighter side" moment:

Wonkette Jr. pledges: "my new band name is auspicious suitcases"

6:45 It's now being reported that one of the dead in the bombing was 8 years old. Kid Zoom hasn't seen his dad cry in a while, to which Snipy replies, "there are some of us that have held off crying but this is the last straw of not crying." Stefan adds, "The nice thing about adulthood is having your own car to sob in."

6:55 Commenter Gullywompr asserts: "We are going to need more dicks." Yes. Yes we are. But let us Nice Time it up for a moment or two:

Who else does not need to eat a dick today? Surprisingly, it is Erick Erickson! "Sorry folks, I'm not interesting in beating up the President today. God bless him. He's got his work cut out for him."

The fuck you say.

7:00 The Westboro Baptist Church would like some attention, please, for their Twitter feed. We are going to go with "enjoy some dick."

7:18 That Mr. Rogers quote was on our mind when we viewed this video of the first explosion from the Boston Herald. The video of the blast itself is not terribly graphic, but there are glimpses of the aftermath... and mostly, there are people helping.

Speaking of those barriers, Charlie Pierce's reporting is heartbreaking:

Once I got to Copley Square, I sat down and talked to an EMT. He had been one of the first on the scene. The problem the EMTs had was that the bomb went off inside the security barricades. The barricades meant to protect the spectators briefly prevented the EMTs from reaching the injured. This was not the last of the day’s cruel ironies. The EMT told me that the first person he saw was a 5- or 6-year-old with blood on his face. He did not seem to be in any way injured. One of his parents lay on the ground next to him. The parent wasn’t moving.

It was always going to be one of these. It was going to be a smaller, happier less grimly secure event. And now it’s one of these. And you can smell the blood two blocks away.

7:25 An entire forklift-borne pallet of lightly-salted poison rat dicks (mixed with Ikea meatballs) to Erik Rush, whose first worry was that Saudis are going to take over, and then decided, on reflection, that genocide was called for:

And then a bit later, Mr. Rush pointed out that he was only joking, and the real monsters are of course the Muslins:

7:38 Thank god the Twitter Idiot Brigade has arrived: The following photo is circulating as somehow relevant, according to morons, because "Chaos, utter chaos on the ground, with one man above all displaying no sense of panic":

OMG! BIGFOOT DID 4/15!!!!!!!

7:45 Some good news/bad news/good news, maybe: Today's race was dedicated to the memory of the victims of the Newtown shootings, and several Newtown families were seated near the finish line. MSN reports that while the Newtown families witnessed the bombings, it appears that none of them were injured in the blast. Further, the Newtown Patch reports that a team of Sandy Hook Elementary parents running in the marathon are also safe.

7:55 We are going to call it an evening, hug Kid Zoom, and try to stay off the goddamn interwebz for a while. We'll close with this reminder from Anne Frank:

"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart."

Of course, if she were alive today, she might say that Justin Bieber could also eat a bag of dicks.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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As the linked slides indicate, Governor Scott currently leads Senator Nelson 51% to 46%, a lead that is outside of the margin of error.

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NEEDZ MOAR BILL MURRAY.

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