People's Mayor Mikey Bloomberg Rushes To Boost Morale At Goldman Sachs
Let it never be said that Michael Bloomberg, the charitable billionaire currently serving in the 11th year of a midlife vanity project called "being mayor of New York City," ignores his constituents in their time of need. Just yesterday, a lil' start-up investment house in Manhattan called Goldman Sachs was all down on its luck after anexecutive quit and denounced the place in a New York Times op-ed as a depraved travesty, a global stage-IV cancer, a clearinghouse for Satan's most evil plans, and a deceitful counterparty to its earnest, Muppet clientele. Well excuse me, Mayor Mike said, but I'm just not going to let David pick on Goliath like this, not while I'm in charge! And so he rushed down to Goldman HQ post haste, held a "pep rally" for the workers, and even bought CEO Lloyd Blankfein a pityburger. He didn't have to do this, people. But he did it anyway, and history will remember him fondly.
Do you volunteer at a soup kitchen, reader? Do you ring the Salvation Army bell around Christmastime? Because those are pathetic charity efforts. If you really want to make a difference in the lives of the downtrodden, this is the sort of effort you'll need to put in (from the New York Post):
Bloomberg spent about an hour in the Goldman tower across from the World Trade Center site, going from desk to desk to chat with traders and division heads.
Afterwards, the mayor and Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein headed downstairs to the local Shake Shack to grab a couple of burgers, surrounded by students from nearby Stuyvesant HS.
Loeser said the idea for the personal show of support was entirely the mayor’s own.
“He likes to defend people who are under [unfair] fire,” said [mayoral spokesperson Stu] Loeser. “He wanted to tell them, `You’re valued. You and your company are an important part of this city.”
Goldman Sachs has positioned itself in such a way that the federal government will never ask it to do anything, New York City will never ask it to do anything, other firms will die if they touch it, and if it ever nears bankruptcy, some bureaucrat will always be there to refill its coffers with a high-pressure money cannon. Goldman doesn't need cheering up. It thinks it's funny that the mayor rushes down to its offices in a panic over a bad newspaper article to spread love and hamburgers. And it is very, very funny, indeed.