Peter Strzok Fired From FBI For Making President Babyshits Cry A Lot, We Guess
Remember a few weeks (months? years?) back, when we sat here at Wonkette and live-blogged congressional testimony from FBI agent Peter Strzok for ONE MILLION HOURS, and the biggest thing we learned that day is that Strzok was a badass, the very sort of person we want protecting America from bad guys and Hillary Clinton? We already knew -- because Fox News and Donald Trump have been yelling it at our faces for months -- that Strzok had make a real Stinky Boo Boo when he used his FBI phone to sext with the FBI lawyer lady he had been having an affair with, but there was no evidence that lapse in judgment had brought bias into his work leading the Hillary emails investigation and then the FBI's investigation into the Trump campaign's obvious criminal conspiracy with Russia to steal the election. The DOJ's inspector general agrees! And of course, special counsel Robert Mueller kicked Strzok off his investigation the second he learned about the Trump-hatin' sexts, to avoid even the appearance of bias.
In short, all the available evidence says Strzok did his job just fine, and that being creeped out by Donald Trump doesn't actually disqualify somebody from being a good FBI agent. Put it this way: everybody with a fucking brain hates Donald Trump, do you really want to fire EVERYBODY WITH A FUCKING BRAIN from the United States government?
Donald Trump does! And today, he has gotten his wish, because despite how the FBI's Office of Professional Responsibility only recommended that Strzok be slapped on the wrist and told No More Sexting With Government Phones, Strzok has been fired from the FBI. Don't you feel safer now?????
Aitan Goelman, Strzok's lawyer, said FBI Deputy Director David L. Bowdich ordered the firing on Friday — even though the director of the FBI office that normally handles employee discipline had decided Strzok should face only a demotion and 60-day suspension. Goelman said the move undercuts the FBI's repeated assurances that Strzok would be afforded the normal disciplinary process.
"This isn't the normal process in any way more than name," Goelman said, adding in a statement, "This decision should be deeply troubling to all Americans."
YAY! Donald Trump has another head to mount on his wall! Maybe he can put it next to Andrew McCabe and James Comey, who were definitely also fired for totally normal purposes that had zero to do with obstruction of justice or the simple fact that Donald Trump is a shitsucking little man-baby with thin skin.
Speaking of, let's go to the Presidential Proclamation Twitter Generator to see what it says about this:
WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE. And no, you fucking snot dick, the investigation will not end because this one guy texted his girlfriend that you're a fucking snot dick, and they are not going to do a "do over" on the Hillary emails investigation, just because your butt itches right now. Grow up, Babyshits!
Now, maybe Bowdich was right to fire Strzok. We actually don't know for sure whether this was done on the up-and-up, just like we still don't know if McCabe was fired for the right reasons, or if Jeff Sessions did it to preserve his tenuous hold on his job. Benjamin Wittes thinks it's pretty fucked up, and our gut instinct tells us the same thing, considering how yet another person has lost his job because the president of the United States FUCKING WHINED ABOUT IT LONG ENOUGH.
Attorney Mark Zaid adds:
WaPo notes that FBI Director Christopher Wray told Congress in June that whatever disciplinary action ended up being taken against Strzok would be "done by the book." Is this that? Or is it not that, considering how what David Bowdich did was decidedly not what the FBI's independent Office of Professional Responsibility recommended?
We just don't know! And that's the problem in the Trump years. We just don't fucking know whether our institutions are working as they're supposed to.
Oh well, it's probably fine. Who will Donald Trump fire on Twitter next?
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