Philosopher King Tucker Carlson Thinks There's No Such Thing As Statutory Rape For Boys


We were trying to remember if Tucker Carlson is a worthless douchebag or a complete sociopath, and then we remembered we didn't need to choose, especially when he gives us such gems as "there's no such thing as statutory rape for underage guys because because because."

First, though, some important questions: When did Tucker stop wearing bow ties? And when did his head get kinda swole? Is Tucker juicing? One's head does not usually literally increase in size in adulthood. Must be all that hate and derp he's packing on.

Where were we? Oh yeah, listening to Tucker prattle on about statutory rape and remembering that we are not paid nearly well enough for this gig.

[Carlson] lamented that Americans are "whiny" about statutory rape and that when it comes to rape, boys are different than girls.

While discussing the recent case in New York, in which a female teacher has been charged with rape for allegedly having sex with a 16-year-old student, Carlson refused to believe that it should be considered rape.

"It's ludicrous that we are calling this a rape. Are you serious?" Carson asked on Fox News' "Outnumbered." "I'll tell you what's wrong to this extent — he went and tattled to the police and destroyed her life. Are you joking? What a whiny country this is."

Listen. Yr Wonkette actually understands that there are some complexities about statutory rape, particularly when there is not a large age gap and both youngish parties consent. However, in the case Carlson is yammering about, it was a 38-year-old teacher and her 16-year-old student, and there's just no fucking way that it should be reduced to "heh heh lucky guy who DOESN'T want to fuck an older woman, amirite?" which is Carlson's default stance, as he's pretty sure that male students think that getting sexually harassed by a female teacher is the greatest thing that ever happened.

Carlson went on to provide some really razor-sharp reasoning about how boys can't get raped, all of which boil down to "boys and girls are different."

“Of course it’s a double standard! All standards are double standards," he said. “Because it depends completely on the sex of a child. And if it’s a girl, it’s different from if it’s boy.

"All standards are double standards" is our new defense to EVERYTHING. Or are all standards only double standards with rape? Or lady-dude things generally? Help us understand, o wise Tucker.

Also dripping from the Tucker fountain of knowledge, the notion that he's totally right because (a) he thinks he's right and (b) he's enduring some level of opprobrium for his comments so he is sincere in his assholery, therefore he's right.

“I don’t believe that you actually feel that way because it’s so far from reality. Why would I generate the amount of hate mail I’ve generated if I didn’t really believe it? Because I know that every person watching knows exactly what I mean, and we live in a country — you can never say anything that’s true," he said.

"We live in a country -- you can never say anything that's true." Tucker Carslon, living Zen koan, national treasure, idiot extraordinaire.



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