Philosopher King Tucker Carlson Thinks There's No Such Thing As Statutory Rape For Boys


We were trying to remember if Tucker Carlson is a worthless douchebag or a complete sociopath, and then we remembered we didn't need to choose, especially when he gives us such gems as "there's no such thing as statutory rape for underage guys because because because."

First, though, some important questions: When did Tucker stop wearing bow ties? And when did his head get kinda swole? Is Tucker juicing? One's head does not usually literally increase in size in adulthood. Must be all that hate and derp he's packing on.

Where were we? Oh yeah, listening to Tucker prattle on about statutory rape and remembering that we are not paid nearly well enough for this gig.

[Carlson] lamented that Americans are "whiny" about statutory rape and that when it comes to rape, boys are different than girls.

While discussing the recent case in New York, in which a female teacher has been charged with rape for allegedly having sex with a 16-year-old student, Carlson refused to believe that it should be considered rape.

"It's ludicrous that we are calling this a rape. Are you serious?" Carson asked on Fox News' "Outnumbered." "I'll tell you what's wrong to this extent — he went and tattled to the police and destroyed her life. Are you joking? What a whiny country this is."

Listen. Yr Wonkette actually understands that there are some complexities about statutory rape, particularly when there is not a large age gap and both youngish parties consent. However, in the case Carlson is yammering about, it was a 38-year-old teacher and her 16-year-old student, and there's just no fucking way that it should be reduced to "heh heh lucky guy who DOESN'T want to fuck an older woman, amirite?" which is Carlson's default stance, as he's pretty sure that male students think that getting sexually harassed by a female teacher is the greatest thing that ever happened.

Carlson went on to provide some really razor-sharp reasoning about how boys can't get raped, all of which boil down to "boys and girls are different."

“Of course it’s a double standard! All standards are double standards," he said. “Because it depends completely on the sex of a child. And if it’s a girl, it’s different from if it’s boy.

"All standards are double standards" is our new defense to EVERYTHING. Or are all standards only double standards with rape? Or lady-dude things generally? Help us understand, o wise Tucker.

Also dripping from the Tucker fountain of knowledge, the notion that he's totally right because (a) he thinks he's right and (b) he's enduring some level of opprobrium for his comments so he is sincere in his assholery, therefore he's right.

“I don’t believe that you actually feel that way because it’s so far from reality. Why would I generate the amount of hate mail I’ve generated if I didn’t really believe it? Because I know that every person watching knows exactly what I mean, and we live in a country — you can never say anything that’s true," he said.

"We live in a country -- you can never say anything that's true." Tucker Carslon, living Zen koan, national treasure, idiot extraordinaire.


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DHS photo (Every damn ICE pic looks like this)

Donald Trump's immigration goon squads were all set to start mass arrests and deportations of families in multiple cities Sunday, but before the raids started, he tweeted Saturday that he'd decided to delay the operation by two weeks -- to allow Democrats a chance to join Republicans in trashing US asylum law. Trump took a phone call Friday evening from Nancy Pelosi urging him to hold off on the raids, although it's also possible that internal disagreements about the operation at the Department of Homeland Security may have been part of the reason for the delay, too. In the meantime, Trump gets to terrify undocumented families some more and rant about deporting "millions," although the planned operation was actually targeted only at a couple thousand people who have already received deportation orders.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement had been gearing up to start raids in 10 US cities, including Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami, and Baltimore, to show how tough America is, and never mind that the sweeps would certainly have led to more family separations, as ICE scooped up at least some undocumented parents of children born in the US. The news also comes while the media is reporting filthy, inhuman conditions at the border camps where newly arrested immigrants, including babies, are being packed in, leading to plenty of awkward questions about why the government suddenly wants to arrest more people in the interior of the country? (Hint: President Eichmann just announced his reelection bid.)

The Great Deporter announced the delay of the operation Saturday by Twitter, as if that were normal, then followed up with more bluster Sunday.

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Kamala Harris was holding it down at the South Carolina Democratic Convention this weekend, and she wasn't just there to kick it at Clyburn's Fish Fry, hang out with Berndog Sanders, and just look extra good. No. She fucking running for President, and she's actually got a chance, unlike the many Mayo Casserole Men who keep jumping into the damn race. Why did they jump in after Kamala and Elizabeth Warren, the only people who are even running, clearly said, "We got it from here, boys"? Not sure, but regardless, it was unnecessary. Doesn't matter anyway because who is gonna remember Dadface McDorksky when Kamala is turning it the fuck out with speeches indicting Trump?

Do you believe in America? Kamala Harris believes in America, and her Saturday speech calls out for justice, and righteousness; where Barack Obama struck hopeful, dulcet, aspirational tones, Harris strikes sharp chords of urgency. To say that she read Trump the riot act would be, and is, an understatement; what she did here raised a crucial reality that some Dems refuse to see. Trump MUST be prosecuted. The Democratic nominee will wear many hats, and one of the most important of those hats is that of a prosecutor. There is a case to be made against Donald J. Trump, hell, there are so many cases, and as far as Harris is concerned, who better to make that case, but a COP? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Kamala Harris at the South Carolina Democratic Convention June, 22 2019

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