Pity John Boehner Won't Say What He Really Thinks About Ted Cruz
Fuck YOU, Ted Cruz, is what he's saying with his lips.
John Boehner is easy, breezy, and beautiful these days, ever since he sobbed his way out of his position as speaker of the House. We can only imagine how many adult beverages he's had since then, but we're hoping it's not as many as he used to, because GOOD GOD, HIS LIVER.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/597828/everybody-hates-ted-cruz-and-his-stupid-foreign-born-face"></a>[/wonkbar]Now that he has some time on his hands, Boehner sat down for a little stitch 'n' bitch at Stanford University, where he had some choice words for Ted Cruz. Surprise, John Boehner, like all patriotic Americans (and Canadians and Cubans and all the other everybodies too) hates Ted Cruz:
“Lucifer in the flesh,” the former speaker said. “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”
Don't be so shy, John!
Of course, we already knew Boehner disliked Cruz enough to say cusses, but we didn't know he thought Cruz was the living embodiment of Lucifer!
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/594376/ted-cruz-has-no-friends-and-everybody-hates-him-lol"></a>[/wonkbar]As we have discussed many times before, hating Ted Cruz is the thing that brings America together. His colleagues in the Senate hate him; John McCain hates him; former preznit George Dubya Bush hates him; Elizabeth Warren hates him, but then again Liz Warren hates a lot of people; his own wife Heidi probably hates him if she's being honest. And so on. The point is that Boehner is merely restating the obvious, about how much Ted Cruz sucks.
Of course, Boehner didn't spend all his time telling the Stanford school children what a demonic gunny sack of rotten dildos Ted Cruz is. He also said he likes to text with Donald Trump like "SUP BRO," to which Trump always replies "YOOOGE" followed by cat emojis and ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. At least we figure that's how the vulgarian texts with his short fingers.
He says he'll DEF vote for Trump, and that he will absolutely NOT vote for Ted Cruz, which is kind of a moot point, since Ted Cruz won't be on the ballot in November LOL.
And here's what he thinks about Hillary:
On Clinton, Boehner’s reviews were more mixed. Early in the talk, the speaker impersonated Clinton, saying “Oh I’m a woman, vote for me,” to a negative crowd reaction. Later, he added that he had known Clinton for 25 years and finds her to be very accomplished and smart.
Great brain, Hillary! Sorry about your vag.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/594248/here-are-a-bunch-of-pictures-of-john-boehner-crying-alcoholic-tears-on-the-pope"></a>[/wonkbar]As Slate notes, Boehner seems to be completely Long Hair, Don't Care about American politics these days, which is unsurprising considering his dramatic exit from politics, when he ugly cried on the pope's fatherly chest and then quit the next day.
But we're glad the weepy retired man found time in his very busy schedule to talk smack about Ted Cruz, because we LOVE THAT SHIT.
[The Stanford Daily viaSlate]
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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