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Please Tip Your Waitress And Enjoy The Comedy Stylings of Child Abductor Jeff Sessions

Post-Racial America

Attorney General Jeff Sessions defended the Trump administration's immigration policies, specifically the torture of migrant children and the emotional blackmail of their parents, in a speech Tuesday to the Criminal Justice Legal Foundation, a conservative advocacy group formed to combat the combined threat of the "ACLU and liberal academia."

Not surprisingly, hundreds of protestors showed up to inform Sessions of his grossness.


The protest was organized by CHIRLA [Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights of Los Angeles] and included several other immigrant rights groups, who marched through the streets in front of the Millennium Biltmore Hotel, where Sessions was expected to speak.

"As a United Methodist, and he's a fellow United Methodist, this is not right, and this is not part of our Christian teachings or our values or our beliefs," said Rev. Allison Mack, a protester from North Hollywood United Methodist Church.

(No, you're thinking of a different Allison Mack.)

Inside the hotel, the foundation assured Sessions he was "among friends," so he felt free to lay into the folks who hypocritically complain about him tearing families apart while they themselves live inside houses. Yeah, it was a stretch.

In his half-hour speech, Session said critics of the administration's hard-line policies wanted to stop all deportations and to have open borders.

"From coast to coast, perhaps especially on this coast, there are politicians who declare that having any border at all is mean-spirited," Sessions said.

Many critics, he said, are people who "live in gated communities" and "are featured at events where you have to have an ID to even come in and hear them speak."

I know it's convenient for conservatives to imagine that everyone opposed to their policies are frivolous Lindsay Bluth types, but outside the Biltmore Hotel's "safe space," actual reality was more complex.

Earlier Tuesday morning, about 150 demonstrators — a mix of interfaith religious leaders and immigrant advocates — gathered outside a downtown federal courthouse, where they held hands and blocked traffic on Spring Street as they prayed.

About two dozen people, many of them members of the clergy wearing religious robes, were arrested.

“Kids belong at home! Not in cages!" they chanted.

Sandra Olewine, a 51-year-old pastor at First United Methodist Church in Pasadena, was the first person taken into custody. She had been seated in a line of people blocking the roadway. As she was led away in handcuffs, people cheered.

“Sometimes you have to break the law," Olewine said minutes earlier. “We are sitting down for the children."

Rabbi Jonathan Klein, who helped organized the protest, said demonstrating against President Trump's policies aligns directly with his faith.

“We are building a just and sacred society," Klein said. “My faith says I have no choice but to be here."

After warming up the crowd with some tired 1990s-era limousine liberal one-liners, Jeff "Shecky" Sessions workshopped some zingers from "The Big Book of Child Abuse Humor."

Even without a two-drink minimum, the assembled crowd of "law and order" crusaders responded positively to Sessions's routine.

But you can't please everyone -- that's how you wind up with Jay Leno's act. In the first reported case of long-distance heckling, Chelsea Clinton delivered a knockout punch to Sessions "live from New York."

Let's turn our attention now to the subjects of Sessions's punchline. "CBS This Morning" aired leaked cellphone video from inside New York's Cayuga Centers, where many immigrant children separated from their parents are currently held. It looks like they're inside classrooms, but you can't be sure. America still looks like a democracy.

The kids are confused, frightened, and devastated. It's almost as bad as a high-ranking Trump Cabinet member having to face angry citizens in a fancy restaurant or outside their swank apartment building but, I suppose, probably more civil.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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