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'Pole Dancing For Jesus' Is New Texas Fad, According To Local News

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Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can't afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas! You know, where you were born and raised! It's too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you'll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you'll be forced into stripping at some grim honkytonk on the edge of town because it's the only thing that pays better than WalMart.

But guess what America offers instead of good education and vocational training and child care and health coverage? Jesus! Not the real Jesus, mind you -- what, exactly, does some semi-mythological Jewish radical and the gnostic religion founded in his name by disparate Greek communities during the mid-1st Century Roman Empire have to do with Today's America? American Jesus, on the other hand, gives you the same banal corporate rock you used to listen to on Rock 106.5 or whatever, when you were high, but now you're all cleaned up again and it's all about Jesus.

According to this local newscast in Houston, a big trend (two raccoon-eyed ladies sloppin' around a stripper pole in some mall dance studio) has developed, and it's all about sliding your crotch up and down a pole while "contemporary Christian music" plays on a boombox. American Jesus loves this stuff -- you can even see his cross-shaped boner pushing through his bathrobe.

ALSO: Big props to the guy newscaster, who introduces this important journalist report with, "At first it was Jesus Juice ...." Because that's what dead pop star Michael Jackson infamously called the wine he made the little boys drink, before he fucked them in his house named after Peter Pan's magic world of pirates and boy-on-boy torture, "Jesus Juice." So, it's basically an unbroken chain from, uhh, the anonymous authors of the Pauline epistles to Michael Jackson fucking little boys to these Texas gals grinding it for da Lord.

Everything is fantastic! [Some teevee thing on the YouTube]

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Today we are having a Very Serious Conversation about how liberals are very uncivil and mean and terrible and vulgar, because a restaurant in Virginia very nicely asked Sarah Huckabee Sanders to GTFO, due to how she is an atrocious liar who works for a fascist. (The restaurant comped the cheese plates that had already been served.) Meanwhile the president is threatening 79-year-old black congresswomen on Twitter and ripping babies away from their parents and just generally being a fascist. BOTH SIDES DO IT, ISN'T THAT RIGHT, VERY SERIOUS PUNDITS?

Point is, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is doing her first White House press briefing in a week, assuming she doesn't wuss out like she always does. Will she lie? Will she cry? Will she be a sack of shit like she always is? Most importantly, has she managed to find a meal since she was kicked out of the Red Hen? We certainly hope she's managed to find a Chick-fil-A or something, as we wouldn't want Our Sarah to be forced to give a press briefing while hangry.

Let's liveblog and see what a foul asshole SHS feels like being today:

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Last week, Nicole Arteaga of Peoria, Arizona received the devastating news from her doctor that her baby's development had stopped and that pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. Given the option of either a D&C or prescription medication, she chose to go with the prescription. Then, like all normal people do when they get a prescription, she went to a pharmacy to have it filled.

Unfortunately for her, Brian Hrenuic -- the pharmacist at the Walgreens she went to -- refused to give her that prescription, because he opposed it on "moral grounds."

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