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'Pole Dancing For Jesus' Is New Texas Fad, According To Local News

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Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can't afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas! You know, where you were born and raised! It's too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you'll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you'll be forced into stripping at some grim honkytonk on the edge of town because it's the only thing that pays better than WalMart.

But guess what America offers instead of good education and vocational training and child care and health coverage? Jesus! Not the real Jesus, mind you -- what, exactly, does some semi-mythological Jewish radical and the gnostic religion founded in his name by disparate Greek communities during the mid-1st Century Roman Empire have to do with Today's America? American Jesus, on the other hand, gives you the same banal corporate rock you used to listen to on Rock 106.5 or whatever, when you were high, but now you're all cleaned up again and it's all about Jesus.

According to this local newscast in Houston, a big trend (two raccoon-eyed ladies sloppin' around a stripper pole in some mall dance studio) has developed, and it's all about sliding your crotch up and down a pole while "contemporary Christian music" plays on a boombox. American Jesus loves this stuff -- you can even see his cross-shaped boner pushing through his bathrobe.

ALSO: Big props to the guy newscaster, who introduces this important journalist report with, "At first it was Jesus Juice ...." Because that's what dead pop star Michael Jackson infamously called the wine he made the little boys drink, before he fucked them in his house named after Peter Pan's magic world of pirates and boy-on-boy torture, "Jesus Juice." So, it's basically an unbroken chain from, uhh, the anonymous authors of the Pauline epistles to Michael Jackson fucking little boys to these Texas gals grinding it for da Lord.

Everything is fantastic! [Some teevee thing on the YouTube]

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Gonna be a long day, y'all, you ready to dive in? We should note at the outset that any of the questions about obstruction of justice are colored by the fact that Trump refused to sit for an interview with Robert Mueller. Guess that's part of why Robert Mueller refused to clear him! But anyway, we will have more time for thoughts as we read.

Let's read the Mueller Report!

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April 20 will be the 20th anniversary of the massacre at Columbine High School. Mother Jones yesterday published a report on mass shooters (or would-be shooters) who in one way or another mentioned the Columbine murders as something they wanted to emulate, or as a benchmark they hoped to outdo. Since 1999, there have been more than 100 plots or actual attacks influenced by Columbine. MoJo national affairs editor Mark Follman notes,

And those are just the cases for which there is some kind of public record: In talking with law enforcement and mental health sources who work to prevent such attacks, I've learned of dozens more Columbine-influenced threats that never made the news.
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