Poor Dumb Rick Perry Thinks He's Still Running For President
Hey, why is Rick Perry's purty mouth still flapping on our television screens? Didn't we already write the RIP for his presidential Hopes-n-Dreams, on account of how he is all out of dollars American? We did! But it would seem his campaign staff forgot to tell him it's time to say bye-bye. Maybe because he has stopped paying all of them. No worries, though, Perry says he'll get to that eventually:

But we got a lot of young people that are volunteering for us, and I greatly appreciate their commitment to the cause. And as the dollars come in, we'll appropriately take care of those that are working with us on a paid status.

In this slow-news-day interview, CNN host and obvious short-straw-picker Alisyn Camerota reminds him of that time POLITICO gave him a pixelated handy and listed all the reasons why he should be the best candidate, and Perry smiles and agrees that yup, that felt good, and he thinks he is the best candidate too, even though it's pretty obvious to the rest of us that he isn't, or else he wouldn't be paying his staff with IOUs.

Then Perry not-so-subtly tries to kick some of his Republican rivals right in their behind, which he can't reach because of how far ahead of him they are in the polls and the campaign cash:

We don't want to take another chance on a young, inexperienced United States senator like Barack Obama, who's got our country in, I think, off track economically and certainly foreign policy-wise as well.

Or maybe like young, inexperienced Sen. Ted Cruz? Or young, inexperienced Sen. Rand Paul? Or young, inexperienced Sen. Marco Rubio? Or young, inexperienced Sen. Bernie Sanders? (OK, maybe he wasn't trying to subtweet Sanders.)

Let's wrap this up and pay some attention to the real Republican candidates, but before we go, Governor, why don't you talk some words about that time you vetoed the Texas Equal Pay bill, to remind us again why all you will ever be is the also-ran guy who can't count good:

Well, women get equal pay. I mean, that's the point.

Aaaaaand let's take a quick look at those numbers:

What does the pretty picture mean? It means Texas ranks 28th in the nation when it comes to equal pay, with Texas women earning a mere 79 percent of what Texas men earn, which, last time we had to take math in school, was not the same as 100 percent.

Now put a cherry on top of that chocolate-and-sprinkles-and-stupid sundae, Rick!

In the state of Texas, we think it's kind of wise not to have too many laws on the books, and i told them early on in that process that listen, this was a symbolic piece of legislation. We don't need symbolic pieces of legislation jumblin' up our code.

That's funny, because we remember a time when some governor of some state called Texas called the part-time legislature back to work for an EMERGENCY! piece of legislation to shut down the state's abortion clinics. Who was that again, we forget? Oh RIGHT. It was Gov. Perry, duh.

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We do like how Perry did one of his last interviews sitting in front of some books, though, to go with the S-M-R-T glasses and really drive home the point that he is not dumb no more. Not that it will change anything for him, but still, it's a nice touch.



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