Poor Little 'Affluenza' Boy Violates Probation, May Have Fled America With ISIS Or His Mom
Don't worry, Macaulay Culkin didn't do anything wrong!
Once upon a time there was a horrible 16-year-old boy named Ethan Couch, who road-murdered four people in Texas after getting potted up on liquor. He wasn't tried as an adult, because the poor widdle baby was just a widdle baby, and besides, he suffered from a severe case of "affluenza," which meant his rich mommy and daddy didn't give him a curfew, or any other rules for that matter. So he couldn't possibly be held accountable for a little thing like drunken vehicular homicide! The dicknose judge, Jean Boyd, was like "Oh well, boys will be boys!" and gave him 10 years of probation and a slap on the wrist.
Yeah, well, he reportedly violated that probation by getting caught on camera playing beer pong, and then failing to check in with his probation officer, and now maybe he's not in America, because he's still just an 18-year-old kid, and how could you possibly? It's unfair, mommy, it's unfair! Let's go to Rio:
Ethan Couch, the wealthy Tarrant County teen who received probation for killing four people while driving drunk in 2013, is missing — and authorities fear he may have skipped the country.
Probation officers are super mean and say things like, "You're not allowed to drink or do drugs or drive cars for ten years, just like the judge said, since you homicided those folks with your truck." But dude! If you don't do those things, the other kids might think you're POOR. Ugh!
The Dallas Morning News reports that mommy, Tonya Couch, is also missing, which leads us to believe she's approximately as developed, maturity and entitlement-wise, as her crotch spawn. Maybe she and Ethan are having some very important mother-son bonding time on the lam, saying things like, "The sheets in this motel are like NO threadcount, can you even?" and "Running from the law sucks, shall we get hammered and run some more people over with our bejeweled luxury motor vehicles, Mummy?"
This time -- THIS TIME! -- the authorities are pissed:
“Any mess-ups from now on, he’s going to be over with us,” said Terry Grisham, spokesman for the Tarrant County sheriff’s office. “He’s going to see what the big-boy jail is like.” [...]
“It’s one of those times when you hate to say ‘I told you so,’ but I told you so,” [Tarrant County Sheriff Dee Anderson] said. “I knew he was going to end up in more trouble.”
Yes, who could have predicted? Wonkette wishes the Texas cops a speedy recovery of that little motherfucker, and please, this time put him in jail forever. Maybe he could be cellmates with Martin Shkreli!