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Poor, Stupid Americans Outsource Fire Hydrant Repair To KFC

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Some six thousand years ago, when George Washington and Jesus were walking through colonial Williamsburg with their friends the dinosaurs, our Founding Fathers wrote a Constitution laying out a broad vision for what government should and shouldn’t do in a free country. Their “should do” list was fairly basic: “establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity” and so forth.


Well, screw those east coast hippy 'lites and their socialist “general Welfare” nonsense. Collecting taxes to fund normal government functions like public safety, transportation infrastructure, and universal education is a lot of commie rot.

We like it when fire departments keep our meth labs from burning down, but by gumit, we’ll be damned if those parasite looters think they can tax us to pay for it. Instead of behaving like a society of self-reliant grown-ups, we let Kentucky Fried Chicken fix broken fire hydrants in exchange for “branding” opportunities.

KFC became a pioneer in this kind of unconventional ad placement earlier in the downturn, when it temporarily plastered its logo on manhole covers and fire hydrants in several cities in Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee after paying to fill potholes and replace hydrants.

Pizza chains now advertise on some school buses, as a growing number of states consider allowing school districts to sell ads. The Baltimore City Council member who wrote the legislation urging the city to sell ads on fire trucks, William Welch, said he was simply trying to find a way to help the city meet its growing needs in a time of dwindling revenues and support.

Remember how, in that delightful Mike Judge documentary Idiocracy, President Romney Comacho’s Secretary of State John Bolton David Herman kept saying “brought to you by Carl’s, Jr.” because “it’s a good way to make money”? That's our future bitches.

Pretty soon your local firemen will use water Brawndo seasoned with the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices to save your doublewide from melting into a festering clump of charred vinyl.

Dystopia! Brought to you by Carl’s Jr. [NYT]

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photo by Dominic Gwinn

There was a time, a few months ago, when everyone had written off Elizabeth Warren. Well, not me, because I am a fabulous genius, but lots of other people. The "very reasonable" talking heads on all the various news channels, the kind of people who used to say things like "Oh, we'd like universal health care too, but 'the people' will never go for it!" but who definitely did not actually want universal health care for any reason, and even the Trump campaign. Though, to be fair, the Trump campaign didn't think Trump had much of a chance of winning in 2016 either.

But now, as more and more people hear her speak, hear her plans, hear what she wants to do and how she wants to do it... Elizabeth Warren is rising up in the polls. She's a contender. In the most recent Quinnipiac poll, she was closing in on Sanders for second place nationally, and in California and Nevada polls, she's in second place.

And now, according to a report from Politico, the Trump campaign is now scrambling and panicking and... stalking her?

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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

Some dick is suing your Wonkette! If you are able, will you please send money?

1. Pick "just once" or "monthly."

2. Pick an amount, like say "all of the money."

3. Click "paypal" if you are paypal or "stripe" if you are not paypal.

4. MONEY.

5. Carry on with your day, and with new posts below!

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