Pope Francis Fixin' To Quit-Fire Archbishop Who Crammed Kim Davis Down His Throat

Get him Pope Nice-Nice!

[contextly_sidebar id="w61rVTHB44I9hUvqkgQd0M295MqlcBfr"]It was the best day ever for gay-hatin' Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis. She bedazzled her finest lady jumper and went to Washington, where a super-nice dirty Catholic named Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò had arranged a special private tête-à-tête, as they rarely say in Rowan County, Kentucky, between herself and Pope Nice-Nice AKA Francis AKA How 'Bout I Just Call You Frank? He probably said a bunch of Latin blessings on her Crock Pot and the cross stitch of Ted Nugent/Jesus she was working on in the lobby and boy howdy, what a treat!

[contextly_sidebar id="C2Wv1yetIqag3TPnpXQZAVQ1u8R6AA30"]Unfortunately, when the pope heard he had this supposed "private meeting," he was like "The fuck I did!" but he said that in Latin too, which made it sound very holy. He expressed "regret" that he had ever laid eyes on that backwoods mosquito-attracting strumpet, and the Vatican blamed it on, you guessed it, the Vatican embassy in Washington. Eventually, word cameth that Viganò's ass would probably be quit-fired ASAP.

And now, it's official:

The Vatican is replacing its controversial ambassador to the U.S., who arranged the meeting between Pope Francis and antigay Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis last fall.

Italian Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò will leave the position of apostolic nuncio, the equivalent of an ambassador, and will be replaced by Archbishop Christophe Pierre, a French-born clergyman who is currently the nuncio to Mexico ...

So here is how this works. Viganò recently turned 75, and when somebody in his position reaches that birthday, he sends a letter to the pope that says, "I am a big fat Old, and I am ready to go to the Old Archbishops' Home where we play shuffleboard all day and still aren't allowed to fuck chicks." Now, the pope can say, "Off with you! Go and drink piña coladas and chill the fuck out, and remember not to fuck chicks!" OR the pope can say, "Nope, I like you lots and bunches and you are my special friend, you just keep working, OK?" (And somehow they consider this a good thing, for the pope to say that.)

So that's why we say Viganò is being quit-fired.

[contextly_sidebar id="XlF4MLX1qxbBKWoAtXfEb7fqh6wiWUNG"]You know how Pope Francis is. The doctrine of the Catholic church may not have changed, but gay-hatin' just doesn't give him morning wood. He'd rather do undercover poping and help the poor and preach social justice and all that liberal Saul Alinsky claptrap, and dudes like Archbishop Viganò who are unnaturally obsessed with same-sex gayness really seem to chafe him in his Pope Hole.

[contextly_sidebar id="V5155gDMXb1kSNBIWGUHfOx0pKBQtywn"]So peace out, Viganò, and don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you! Maybe dude could move to Kentucky and be roommates with Kim Davis and her second/fourth husband Joe. Watch out though, Carlo! She might be on the prowl for husband numero cinco, and remember what the pope told you about how you still ain't allowed to fuck, no matter how many times she raises her denim jumper in your direction.

[The Advocate / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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