There's a lot of people out there who don't love New Pope. (Yes, 17 years on or whatever, he will always be New Pope to us.) There's the Mafia, ISIS,Rick Santorum ... But say somebody actually tries to whack him, or homicide-bomb him, or drown him in the frothy mixture of feces and lubricant that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex?

He said: 'Life is in God's hands. I have said to the Lord, "You take care of me. But if it is your will that I die or something happens to me, I ask you only one favour: that it doesn't hurt. Because I am a real wimp when it comes to physical pain."'

See? The Pope is a FUCKING MENSCH.

Sure, that's from shitraggers-in-chief the Daily Mail, and they never link to their sources, and also they lie and they suck. (Also, we don't speak-a the hispanic, so even if they did uncharacteristically link to the actual interview in question, we would still be at sea.) Oh, here it is, no thanks to the Daily Mail, go ahead and Babelfish it up in the comments!

When New Pope isn't putting showers for the homeless right there in sacred St. Peter's Square, he's washing the feet of Muslim girls in juvie, and telling ladies to pop out their sinful meat-sacks where they wanna, and reminding us to maybe steward the atmosphere a little better instead of taking a giant carbon dioxide shit in it, and confirming that the Church hasn't been anti-science (tell it to Galileo) for like at least 50 years -- leave that to the Baptists -- and firing cardinals for being dicks.

Anyway, please don't assassinate the Pope -- or anyone really, but especially the Pope -- because even though he's already been pope 17 years, like we said, we still might go back to Mass some day, we are a-toyin' and a-tinkerin' with the idea, that is how great New Pope is, and yeah, SOME OF US WERE CHRISTIAN (or at least "Catholic") before being a Christian wonkette was so fucking cool.

Ahem.

[LaCarcovaNews]