Poppy Gaetz Weighs In On Alleged Dickstortion Plot Against Idiot Son

Nancy Drew and the Case Of Matt Gaetz's Dumb Penis continues, and the plot is thickening, just like we knew it would. (Oh God, we did not mean to write "Matt Gaetz's Dumb Penis" and "thickening" in the same sentence, we apologize profusely.)

Gaetz's dad, longtime Florida GOP figure and bid'nessman Don Gaetz, confirms to Politico that he has indeed been wearing a wire, assisting the FBI in an investigation into an alleged extortion plot against his family.

"The FBI asked me to try and get that information for Matt and an indication we would transfer money to Mr. David McGee," Don Gaetz said in an interview late Tuesday, without specifying what information he was referring to. [...]

Don Gaetz said in the interview he wore a wire during a meeting earlier this month with McGee and said he was set to meet Wednesday with Stephen Alford, a local developer who he said is also part of the alleged extortion scheme. During that meeting, Don Gaetz said, he was again set to wear a wire and try to get Alford to talk about payments he allegedly was to make to McGee, but the meeting fell apart when news broke that his son was being investigated by the Justice Department.

It's interesting to us that Don Gaetz said the FBI asked him to "try and get that information for Matt," like it's specifically Matt who's begging to know what these people say they have on him. Remember when he blurted out "underaged prostitutes" on the Tucker show last night and Tucker was like "Sir this is an Arby's?"

So was poor Matt Gaetz being sextorted? How the hell would we know?

Whatever it is, Matt Gaetz said on Tucker last night that they started getting text messages around March 16, and that's when he blurted out the thing to Tucker about pictures of "underaged prostitutes." So maybe his brilliant plan was to scream "EXTORTIONS!!1!!1" to deflect attention from the FBI investigation he already knew existed.

Again, how the hell would we know?

What we know is that Poppy, according to his own account, is confirming he wore a wire to get this information "for Matt." Poppy told Politico, "I said to the FBI 'I'm willing to wear a wire and be cooperative,' but I was asked to say things that are not true to draw out an admission." And according to Poppy in Politico, he was supposed to go back and meet the developer Alford today and get him to confess stuff. But then — foiled! — the New York Times reported last night on the very real investigation into Fuckface Junior, an investigation that's now been confirmed by multiple news sources, and Fuckface Junior decided to blow up whatever FBI probe exists into the alleged extortion so he could scream "DEEP STATE CANCEL CULTURES!111!!" at Tucker Carlson, to distract from the actual news that he's under federal investigation for sex trafficking of minors.

If that was his plan, it was not a very good plan, because even Tucker Carlson was like "HEEEEENNNNNGH?"

Anyway, Politico is also confirming in this update that former Attorney General Bill Barr "received multiple briefings on the Gaetz probe" last year, and he was totally fine with it, other than making sure he was never seen in a picture with Gaetz. (Look at Bill Barr being all "appearance of impropriety!" for like the first time ever, that we can remember!)

And that is the latest installment in the Terrible Adventures Of Matt Gaetz's Dick, Allegedly.

More news when it leaks.



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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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