Not just any post can earn the coveted "Gnome Vomiting Rainbows" gif

A Florida construction worker with the charming nickname "Pork Chop" was arrested last Wednesday on charges of aggravated battery after an argument with his boss escalated into one of those stories where mentioning "Florida" almost feels beside the point:

A 32-year-old Sanford man was arrested Wednesday after allegedly burying his boss -- Perry A. Byrd, 57, of Orlando -- in dirt with a front-end loader and beating him into unconsciousness, a report said.

Erick A. Cox was arguing with Byrd at the construction site of the new Wal-Mart on U.S. Highway 17-92 in DeBary about 7:20 a.m. Wednesday when a witness said Cox dumped a load of dirt onto the site superintendent's head, according to a report.

You got your Walmart, your Florida, your attempted murder by front-end-loader, and DeBurial in DeBary. Add some weed, alligators, and a stripper pole and you'd have the Ultimate Wonkette Story of Forever.

He. Seems. Nice.

It's not entirely clear what the hell got Pork Chop all worked up. But once worked up, he did not deal with his stress in a constructive manner. A witness told Volusia County deputies that after the first load of dirt pinned the manager to the ground, Cox then dug up a second load of dirt and dumped it onto Byrd, covering half his body. Then Cox got down from the loader and began whaling on Byrd with a 6-foot aluminum ladder, as one does.

Byrd was eventually knocked unconscious and the witness saw Cox "standing over [him] cussing and laughing about the situation," according to the report. Byrd suffered a "large" cut to the back of his head that required stitches.

The witness then hollered for his other coworkers to come help dig their boss out of the dirt, according to the report.

Cox claims that's not what happened, not at all, no, don't be silly. According to Cox, what really happened was that he and Byrd had been cussing at each other from the moment Cox arrived at 6:30 that morning, and then when Cox went to operate the loader, Byrd continued yelling obscenities at him and threatening to beat him up. Yeah. The details, we have to say, get a bit fuzzy in this narrative:

Cox said after Byrd swung a fist at him and spit in his face, Cox tried to leave. That's when Cox claimed Byrd threatened to "cut" his "head off" and reached into his pocket, according to what he told officials.

Byrd later ended up on the ground, where Cox claimed he accidentally buried Byrd's leg in dirt when he "bumped the bucket control-lever as he was reaching for the keys," according to the report.

You know how it is when someone's threatening to cut your head off. They just end up on the ground, under a load of dirt, sometimes. These things happen.

Pork Chop's criminal history includes previous charges of "aggravated battery, domestic violence and battery convictions stemming back to 2003, according to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement." After being booked, Cox was released on $5,000 bond; unfortunately, the American judicial system has not yet adopted the practice -- proposed in Neal Stephenson's cyberpunk classic Snow Crash -- of ordering certain offenders to have POOR IMPULSE CONTROL tattooed on their foreheads.

We'll also assume that, on the advice of his attorney, Mr. Chop did not ask, "Do I LOOK like the sort of person who'd try to murder someone with heavy construction equipment?"

As of press time, the reality series rights appear to still be available.

[Orlando Sentinel / The Olympian via tip from Wonkette Operative "FZsdaughter"]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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