Pour One Out For Old 'Zero Percent' Josh Hawley, Because That's How Many Republicans Love Him

Bad news for Josh Hawley! He's been trying so hard to swoop in and support lawless insurrection and a completely Trump-ian disregard for American democracy. So why does nobody want to support him for president in 2024? He shook his little man fist in the air at the January 6 terrorist attack on the Capitol and everything! Unfair!

Now, it should obviously be noted — OBVIOUSLY — that this is a very early poll from Politico/Morning Consult on the state of the 2024 GOP primary. And we should obviously also note — OBVIOUSLY — that it's totally expected that 48 percent of respondents are still ride or die for the outlaw of Mar-a-Lago or Bedminster or wherever the fuck he is right this second. He is their real lord and savior. They have said a prayer and accepted him into their hearts. Also, he still hasn't admitted he lost the 2020 election. And he never will.

But as we said, Josh Hawley did very much shake that little man paw in the air at the terrorists like "YEE HAW PRAISE THE LORD IT'S INSURRECTIN' TIME!" And Josh Hawley did very much stand up in that Capitol and steadfastly refuse to certify the results of the safest and most secure election in US American history, where Joe Biden beat Donald Trump by a whole shitload. And Josh Hawley did very much invent a cancel culture conspiracy about himself wherein his top-selling book was being canceled by the cancelers who cancel in a very canceling way. He is still whining about being silenced to this day! (Of course, we all know that there's a well-known scam of getting rightwing books up to the top of the bestseller lists involving bulk-buying. We are not saying for sure that's what happened here, but we are also not saying for sure that the typical Republican voter is actually a big reader of books.)

And still NOTHING? Literally ZERO PERCENT pick Josh Hawley to be their insurrectionist commander to steal democracy?

In the new poll, 13 percent pick Mike Pence. Presumably they do not overlap with the insurrectionists shouting "Hang Mike Pence!" at the Capitol.

Donald Trump Jr. gets seven percent, oh good god. We guess some of these folks are totally ready for the crime dynasty to continue, but they just think it's time for Daddy to hand over his crown.

Mitt Romney gets four percent, so that's how many never-Trumpers there are in the Republican Party.

Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley's insurrectionist partner-in-crime? He gets four percent! WHAR JOSH SUPPORTERS? WHAR THEY PICK TED FOR?

Nikki Haley? Also four percent.

Tim Scott gets two percent. Congratulations, Tim Scott.

Christ, even MARCO FRICKIN' RUBIO gets one percent.

And how many percents for Josh? NO PERCENTS.

We'd say this might be a good time for Josh Hawley to examine his soul and see if it's worth throwing away all his integrity for the sake of NO PERCENTS, but then we'd stop ourselves from saying that because haha we just put "soul" and "integrity" in a sentence with "Josh Hawley."

Congratulations on your continuing failure, dipshit. May it follow you to the end of your rat-faced days.

[Politico/Morning Consult poll]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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