'Praise Jesus, Trey Gowdy Said YES!' And Other News From Trump's Very Smart Impeachment Lawyers

Late yesterday, it was reported that former South Carolina Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-Benghazi) had been approached with, and had subsequently rejected, an invite to join Donald Trump's team of legal masterminds for his impeachment as an outside counsel. About five minutes later it was reported that just kidding, Trey Gowdy hasn't hit rock bottom yet, so sure, he will do that! It's not like you need dignity to be on the same legal team that sends "NO IMPEACHMENT!" letters to Nancy Pelosi that sound like they were written in Diamond and Silk's basement.

Here is what Trey Gowdy thinks about congressional investigations, in general:

The notion that you can withhold information and documents from Congress, no matter whether you're the party in power, or not in power, is wrong. Respect for the rule of law must mean something irrespective of the vicissitudes of political cycles!

Yes, that's right, that's Trey "Irrespective of the Vicissitudes" Gowdy! Of course, he said that in 2012, when he was investigating BENGHAZIIII!1!1!!!!!!1ONE!!1!! Maybe Trey Gowdy would like to interrogate Nancy Pelosi's impeachment inquiry for 11 hours and then throw a press conference where he steps on his dick a lot while admitting he found nothing amiss with Nancy Pelosi's impeachment inquiry.

Maybe this is different. This is probably different.

Of course, as Twitter user Southpaw notes, as recently as 2018, Gowdy said, "We're going to get compliance, or the House of Representatives is going to use its full arsenal of constitutional weapons to gain compliance." And he was talking about getting documents on the FISA surveillance of Carter Page! Of course, that was done by "Deep State," just like Benghazi was done by "Deep State," so maybe Gowdy isn't being inconsistent after all. Maybe he is just hypocritical authoritarian Republican hot garbage.

(SPOILER: That's what it is.)

Anyway, in case you are wondering, Gowdy has been fired from Fox News in anticipation of his new gig, where he will feed Fox News talking points in a different way from how he was doing it before.

As we said in the headline, the Trump impeachment defense team is obviously doing AWESOME.

In other Trump lawyer news, Rudy Giuliani said Donald Trump has it worse than the Salem witches, because here's why:

No. They just used ghosts. Imaginary ghosts.

Moving on!

Unofficial Trump lawyer/poolboy/fluffer/butcher/baker/candlestick maker Lindsey Graham, fresh off announcing that he's gonna bring Roodles The Clown up there to his committee to say SPOOKY things about his made-up fantasies about Joe Biden's imaginary work in Ukraine, is fixing to circulate a Loyalty Oath. Graham went on Fox News this morning to say he's going to get all the Senate Republicans to sign a letter to say they aren't going to impeach Trump over just one little transcript that shows the president extorting a foreign leader to give him an electoral reacharound, because apparently those are A-OK with Lindsey Graham.

"I'm going to ask my colleagues in the Senate, Republicans, to sign a letter to Nancy Pelosi saying we do not believe the transcript of the phone call between the president and the Ukraine is an impeachable offense," he said. "They are about to destroy the nation for no good reason. I've read the transcript. I do not see anything wrong there and I want Nancy Pelosi to know that Republican senators are not going to impeach this president based on this transcript, so she can stop now before she destroys this country."

Sure, Linds. Remember, if he's blackmailing you, blink three times, but not four times, because if you blink four times, a ghost might testify against you and accuse you of WITCH.

In news of Trump's very unofficial legal team, AKA idiot House Republicans, the New York Timesreports that they were real mad when they found out Trump had blocked testimony from EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland, because they really thought he would prove NO COLLUSION about Trump once and for all. Of course, those of us who actually read those State Department texts laughed and laughed as we noticed that while Sondland did indeed say unequivocally and loudly into the microphone that there was NO QUID PRO QUO with Ukraine (not that that's even the point), he only said that five hours after his colleague, acting ambassador to Ukraine Bill Taylor, said "Gor-dawg? I think it's PRETTY FUCKED UP that we are doing quid pro quos with Ukraine, exchanging military aid for electoral reacharounds." (Oh golly, we just treason paraphrased Taylor like a common Adam Schiff.)

Know what happened during that five hour gap? Sondland talked to Big Treason.

Sondland, of course, is the guy in the text messages who would always say "CALL ME!" when Taylor would mention the Ukrainian crimes-in-progress. Can't have a paper trail of that! Maybe that's also why Trump's Ukraine boys used WhatsApp a lot, because that's a thing NBC News reports that they did.

By the way, more and more is coming out about Sondland's involvement in Trump's Ukraine extortion plot, especially in the hours before and after Trump's treason call, so much so that we absolutely agree with those GOP congressmen -- Sondland should get to testify ASAP. In public, preferably.

Finally, here's your video of Rep. Matt Gaetz, the stupidest Republican in Congress when Jim Jordan and Kevin McCarthy and Louie Gohmert and Devin Nunes and the WHAR BOXES guy aren't around, saying this impeachment is a KANGAROO COURT led by a MALICIOUS CAPTAIN KANGAROO named Adam Schiff, because everybody knows KANGAROO COURTS were a very important part of TV'S "CAPTAIN KANGAROO."

Thoughts 'n' prayers for all these dillweed motherfuckers. They're gonna need 'em.

Have an OPEN THREAD, we are tired now.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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