Prepare Madame Guillotine: Hillary Clinton Did Not Tip At Fast-Food Restaurant Chipotle Exclamation Point

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It is far too early in the 2016 presidential election cycle to officially declare this is the stupidest story we are going to see, but hot damn, it'll probably still be a strong contender by Election Day.

As we know from round-the-clock coverage and think pieces this week, Hillary Clinton ate lunch at a Chipotle in Ohio. (Or "Chipol-tee," as Fox News's Andrea Tantaros calls it, because she is not the brightest knife on the beach.) While Fox dingbats "jokingly" speculated that Clinton was "eating off a hangover" -- chuckle, knee-slap -- and or also too maybe doing some Hispanic outreach, the more likely explanation is that she was hungry. And wanted to eat some food. So she did that. Area Candidate Eats Lunch. Except that of course there is so much more to the story because Clinton has failed to give campaign reporters anything interesting to write about yet. So there's this:

"Her bill was $20 and some change, and they paid with $21 and left" without putting anything in a tip jar on the counter, Charles Wright, the manager at the Maumee, Ohio, Chipotle restaurant told Bloomberg.

STOP THE PRESSES! Hoity toity Hillary did not even drop a handful of change in the tip jar to express her gratitude for the hardworking regular Americans at Chipotle. She understands NOTHING! She will never be president now. Whitewater gate, travelgate, probably murdered Vince Fostergate, husband got a beejgate, Benghazigate, personal emailgate, and now, the gatiest gate that ever gated, the one that will for sure take her down at last, tipgate.

Intrepid reporters followed up on this scoop after Rush Limbaugh decided to invent some cow manure out of thin air:

"But I would like to know if she left anything in the tip jar, because that would be an indication that she understands the average, ordinary, everyman that she seeks to represent," Limbaugh said. "I mean, that's where the people that work at Chipotle, that's where they make a little extra, in the tip jar, and I haven't heard a word about whether or not she visited the tip jar, whether she put anything in it or not."

Of course Limbaugh wanted to know if she left anything in the tip jar. Because if she did, he would sputter on his radio show that leaving a tip at Chipotle -- who even does that?!? -- is further evidence of Clinton's noblesse oblige elitism, and real bootstrapping Americans don't need her pity pennies. But of course, now that we know she did not leave anything in the tip jar, he can whine that Hillary Clinton does not care about the little people, and all of her Elizabeth Warren-style speeches about income inequality and fair wages are typical Clinton LIES ALL LIES.

Could this "scandal" get any dumber? Yes. Of course it could. Because "did Clinton leave a tip, yes or no?" is a trick question.

"The other lady paid the bill," Wright said of one of Clinton's dark-haired companions. "Clinton didn't pay."

The other lady was Huma Abedin, Clinton's longtime aide and vice chairwoman of her campaign. And also possibly her secret Muslim Brotherhood lesbian lover, if we are to believe the rightwing conspiracy theories, which we should never do. So guess that means Huma Abedin will never be president, ACTUALLY.

But why leave it there, at this non-story about Abedin -- who, according to the Chipotle manager's tale of stiffed woe, seems to have left a tip, albeit a small one and NOT in the designated tip jar, if she did not take the change owed from the $21 she paid on a $20-and-change bill, and holy guacamole, how are we even talking about this? And how can we blow this mofo up even more to make a meaningless story Mean Something? Hop to it, rightwing derposphere:

That last one is our favorite because, according to the site for "conservative conversation and community":

Well, well. Where is Ms. Champion of the Middle Class now? I bet if she chose to dine in, she’d leave her tray on the table — or throw it away along with the garbage. The whole scene is so sickeningly Clintonesque.

However. Despite the low-rent behavior of this elderly multimillionaire and her live-in nurse, it’s time we had a national conversation on gratuities. Though I’m an impoverished soul who lives off bulk ramen and stolen ketchup packets, had I más dinero en el banco, I still wouldn’t tip at Chipotle or other fast-food restaurants.

We're going to guess this perfectly sums up every conservative who is sickened by this Clintonesque display of spitting on the working class by "refusing" to leave a tip. Maybe we're wrong, and Rush Limbaugh and the rest are very generous tippers, especially at fast food restaurants, but we doubt it. Commenters agree they also would never leave a tip at Chipotle, but still! Who does that Hillary Clinton think she is? UGH!

We would also like to congratulate all the Very Serious Journalists whose legs were tired from chasing after Clinton's Scooby Van and decided to chase down this non-story concocted by Rush Limbaugh. Really. Special bravo to Politico's in-depth look at Clinton's incognito lunch break, wages in Ohio, the entire staff of that particular Chipotle, and a comment from the town's mayor about how Maumee, Ohio, is "as much of a cross-section of the country as you can get." That is some critical background information.

We know campaign reporters have a job to do, writing up stories regardless of whether the candidate actually does anything story-worthy. But Hillary Clinton, supposed drama queen and scandal machine, has failed to give reporters anything juicy to write about her, so instead we have Area Candidate Eats Lunch With Staff Who Leaves Small Tip But Not In A Jar. Perhaps the next non-story can be Area Candidate Refuses To Provide Juicy Scandals Forces Reporters To Write Bullshit Stories About Nothing. Maybe that'll be the one that finally brings her down.

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[Bloomberg / Ricochet / Politico]

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