About 110,000 Americans are confirmed to have died of the novel coronavirus, a number that's really ticking up these days. Tens of millions of Americans are unemployed. From sea to shining sea, Americans in towns as large as New York City and as small as Paragould, Arkansas, and Corinth, Mississippi — no links to stories, these are just things we know because we live down this-a-way — are peacefully assembling and marching to say Black Lives Matter, because everybody is at last sick and fucking tired of cops murdering black people.

And Donald Trump has some hurt feelings, we should put that on the list of things that are important, yes? Trump feeling sad and mad and stupid and angry and frustrated and weak and pathetic and loser? Of course we should. Because there is a direct correlation because that fucking idiot's failures and stupidity and everything else that's going on in America.

He is also a cornered Inspector Bunker Baby, so he's lashing out. So many people to get mad at, and nothing but free time to do it!

Let's briefly tick through the things upsetting Trump, which he told America, his therapist, on Twitter last night. (Under no circumstances should you try sifting through Trump's Twitter feed by yourself right now, because there are so many neurotic tweets and RTs over the past 12 hours, it's like a high-speed mental breakdown, so just don't do it. We'll show you the important ones.)


NO JOHN KELLY! NO JOHN KELLY! YOU ARE THE JOHN KELLY!

Y'all know he cried like a fuckin' baby when former Defense secretary and retired Marine General Jim Mattis wrote that scathing statement about Trump's fascist photo ops and military attacks on the American people. You know, the statement that literally compared Trump to the Nazis. We'll skip that whining, because it happened during Trump's daytime work tweeting hours, as opposed to his happy hour and evening work tweeting hours.

You see, Mattis's remarks are making waves, and people are saying things. Like former White House chief of staff John Kelly, who very slowly poked a toe out of his hidey hole a few months back and defended impeachment witness Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who testified to Trump's Ukraine extortion election-stealing crimes, from Trump's attacks.

Kelly also defended Mattis from Trump's attacks. Trump lied on Twitter and said he DID TOO EITHER fire Jim Mattis, just like President OBAMAGATE! fired Jim Mattis, to which Kelly responded that the poor withering presidential brain of Trump must have "forgotten how it actually happened." He called Trump's Twitter attacks on Mattis "nasty."

"The president did not fire him. He did not ask for his resignation," Kelly, who was Trump's chief of staff when Mattis departed the administration, told the Washington Post. "The president has clearly forgotten how it actually happened or is confused."

Bless the president's ailing heart and brain.

So of course Trump lost it last night.

OK.

NO LISA MURKOWSKI! NO LISA MURKOWSKI! YOU ARE THE LISA MURKOWSKI!

Did y'all hear Alaska GOP Senator Lisa Murkowski is actually kinda sorta maybe cracking after Trump's week of racist fascist Bible gassing? Yes, the same Lisa Murkowski who saw all the airtight evidence in the impeachment trial, which showed that Trump withheld crucial military aid from our ally Ukraine for their war with Russia, in order to extort them into helping him steal the 2020 election, and thought to herself, "Well that's naughty, but it's not like I'm going to hold him accountable or anything." But for some reason, this week appears to be hitting the senator.

Not only did Murk say Mattis's statement was "true and honest and necessary and overdue," she seemed to suggest she may not even be voting for Trump in the fall.

So of course Trump lost it last night.

Aw honeybear, two years is a long time off to just assume you'll be allowed to travel to Alaska at that time. You might be in prison.

NO JIM MATTIS! NO JIM MATTIS! YOU ARE THE JIM MATTIS!

And of course Trump's attacks on Mattis himself continued. But he took an interesting tack, by which we mean a really pathetic and sad and weak tack.

Ohhhhhhhhhmigod. His old clown lawyer? The guy who emails reporters in purple Comic Sans? OK, if you wish, mister president!

It's like Trump is saying, "Oh yeah, one of the most respected and decorated generals in the world said something mean? Well, have you heard from my demented senile former lawyer who writes emails in PURPLE COMIC SANS? Because those are just the same!"

We almost don't want to make fun of John Dowd too much, because he appears to be about on the same mental level as Rudy Giuliani these days, and he makes less trouble than Giuliani, but if you want to read his slobbering Dear Leader letter about how all the black pastors absolutely adore Donald Trump, knock yourself out.

"Trump has done more to help our minority brothers and sisters than any president in the past 50 years. Ask the black pastors."

Yeah OK. We are sure the letter sounded better in the original purple Comic Sans.

As of press time, Trump was excitedly creaming himself on Twitter over the new jobs report, which is tremendous and bigly and yuge, because it's only 13 percent unemployment. That's right, President Art Of The Deal is excited about 13 percent unemployment.

Oh well, we guess when the standards for "success" in your presidency are so low, you take what you can get.

Oh yeah, and Trump said in a news conference just now that hopefully George Floyd is looking down from Heaven and getting very excited about the jobs report, no we are not kidding, just going to drop the video here and then do another post about that as soon as our jaws get up off the floor.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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