Donald Trump has a YOOOOOOGE secret plan to kill ISIS dead, but he ain't about to tell you losers about it. And why not? Well, because then it won't be a secret anymore! Last week, Trump (TRUMP!) explained to an incredulous Greta van Susteren why he won't reveal his plan: "Because I don't WANT to, Greta." She responded that we "need all the help we can get!" so Trump explained further:

“IF I run, and IF I win, I don’t want the enemy to know what I’m doing. Unfortunately, I’ll probably have to tell at some point, but there is a method of defeating them quickly and effectively and having total victory.”

Oh, so this will all be a SURPRISE, on the off chance in hell that Donald Trump is inaugurated US American President in January of 2017. We guess the ISIS bad guys are just gonna sit tight and stop doing beheadings and stuff, waiting for Donald Trump to surprise the fuck out of 'em, two years from now.

Because it's not like that pussy Obama is even interested in defeating ISIS, and you know how Donald Trump knows that? Because Barack Obama has not called Donald Trump on the Obamaphone to say, "Donald Trump! I am totally lost here! I don't even know how to pronounce 'ISIS'! You on the other hand have built tacky gold-encrusted buildings in Las Vegas and your current wife makes all the men jealous, please explain presidenting to me, Donald Trump (A Registered Trademark of the Trump Organization)! Trump!" For real, Trump explained to radio host Simon Conway that he is just shocked that Obama hasn't called him, due to how Trump's plan is "beautiful":

“I know a way that would absolutely give us guaranteed victory,” Trump told Conway, adding that he doesn’t want to say his “foolproof” idea because, “number one,” people will forget it was his idea and “number two,” it would tip off the enemy.

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Donald Trump is simply fucking unwilling to win the ISIS war unless he gets to name it the Trump ISIS Massacre Hotel And Casino (Coming in 2017!). Go on, tell us more about this brilliant idea, which you will not tell us about:

“So simple. It’s like the paper clip,” he said. “You know, somebody came up with the idea of the paper clip and made a lot of money and everybody’s saying, ‘Boy, why didn’t I think of that, it’s so simple.’ This is so simple, so surgical, it would be an unbelievable thing. Now, I’ve been around saying this, you would think somebody from the administration would at least call me and say, ‘Hey, could you tell us what it is?’ It happens to be a great idea. But at the right time, I guess I’ll give it."

Donald Trump knows paper clips. He uses them, to hold together papers, all of which say "Trump!" And the papers don't come apart, partly because paper clips are so easy and surgical, and partly because Donald is so Trump. Donald Trump probably invented paper clips, just like when he invented the word "America." Donald Trump's secret ISIS idea is simple like paper clips. So beautiful. So surgical. Trump!

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Trump added that, even if the Obama administration DID ask, he probably wouldn't tell them anyway. Why? Because they're all "a bunch of clowns." And also?


[Mediaite / Right Wing Watch]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Oh hi! Michael Cohen is going to jail, because he is guilty! Just like Paul Manafort is guilty and GO THE FUCK TO JAIL! WHERE HE ALREADY WAS! (Read up on that here!) And all this news came out in the same hour, somehow, because we live in the dumbest fucking episode of "Law & Order" Dick Wolf ever threw on the cutting room floor, on account of how it was too stupid for words.

However, Cohen avoided a big nasty trial (or series of trials, like Manafort opted for) by just cold pleading guilty to a buncha fuckin' crimes, like a crimer who does a buncha fuckin' crimes all the time. And he implicated Donald Trump in a couple of them!

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HOLY FUCK this afternoon! Michael Cohen just finished a hearing in a New York courtroom where he said, "DURRRR I AM SO GUILTY," but this post is not about that. This post is about how Paul Manafort verdict has just come out! He has been found guilty on eight of the 18 charges he faced in the Eastern District of Virginia (EDVA). The jury is hopelessly deadlocked on the other 10, and so a mistrial will be declared on those and Paul Manafort may get to be retried on them, in addition to his next trial over conspiracies against the United States and witness tampering, which starts next month in Washington DC. Maybe the government will decide Manafort is going to die in jail anyway, and play hooky from retrying those other counts. They probably need a vacay, don't you think?

Trump really does hire the best people!

NBC News's Ken Dilanian broke the news that Manafort has been convicted on five counts of tax fraud, one count of failing to report a foreign bank account on an IRS form, and two charges of bank fraud. The short version of that is that he is guilty of EIGHT FEDERAL FELONIES (so far) and he is going to jail for EIGHT MILLION YEARS for each count. (OK, that is probably not completely accurate. But still, welcome to prison, Paul Manafort!)

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