President Mob Boss Vows ‘Retribution’ On Anarchists Who Eat Food Off Rich People’s Plates

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The west coast is on fire, and the outside of my Portland, Oregon, house is like the inside of a New York bar prior to Micxhael Bloomberg's smoking ban. Fortunately, Donald Trump had time to sit down with Fox News's Jeanine Pirro for another unhinged interview where he insisted he's the only one who can save the nation from his own presidency.

Judge Jeanine, without any self-awareness, claimed Trump ran in 2016 as the “law and order" candidate. Here in reality, Trump's campaign was more or less a criminal enterprise, one that produced more felons than the Legion of Doom. Even if Donny "Tiny Hands" wasn't a glorified mob boss, he actually sucked at maintaining “law and order."

PIRRO: It's almost prescient to think that four years later [law and order] is one of the main issues.

Uh, it's not “prescient" to identify a problem and fail to fix it, which Trump boasted he alone could do. That's a broken campaign promise, not fortune telling. Unfortunately for George H.W. Bush, he didn't have Fox News in 1992: “You ran as the 'no new taxes' candidate, which is almost prescient when you consider that four years later we have all these new taxes."

PIRRO: So, we've got this anarchy going on in the streets.

There is no “anarchy." There are in fact wildfires that have killed more people and destroyed more property than any riot. Children have died, but Trump doesn't care because he can't blame their deaths on immigrants or protesters.


Last week, we learned Trump admitted to Bob Woodward in February that he was lying to the public about the coronavirus. He's since tried to compare himself to Winston Churchill during World War II: He was just presenting a stiff upper lip, cheerio, and all that bleach, because you don't want the president creating a panic. It's an absurd excuse when all he does is spread nightmare campfire tales about Black Lives Matter mobs invading the suburbs.

Trump claimed — without evidence, naturally — that “super liberal people" are paying these “anarchists and agitators." To do what, you might ask? Trump shared some vague details of their diabolical scheme.

TRUMP: Did you see what happened over the weekend with the people walking up to a restaurant and grabbing the steak off the plate? And biting the steak and then dropping it. Two elderly people having dinner at a restaurant, and they walk in and they take a steak and they take the potato and eat it.

This sounds like a version of Elaine and Jerry's bet in the Chinese restaurant episode of “Seinfeld." If this did happen, it's unclear why George Soros would need to pay people to be hungry and desperate. Millions of Americans are method-acting the hell out of that part. The unemployment rate in New York City, for instance, is around 20 percent. It was “just" 12 percent in the Taxi Driver era. Trump is a monster, so all he can see is undesirables hassling people fortunate enough to have financially weathered this economic collapse. The unemployment rate could be 80 percent and conservatives would still insist they have a constitutional right to never see poor people.

Pirro joked with Trump about Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler's lousy approval numbers, because they apparently think Wheeler is running against Rudy Giuliani in November instead of progressive Sarah Iannarone. Trump insists that if Wheeler opened the door to his goon squad, Trump could fix everything with morale-improving beatings. He said Oregon Governor Kate Brown is better than Wheeler, which is objectively true, but not for the reasons Trump thinks. This was the point in the interview where Trump bragged about the extrajudicial killing of a murder suspect.

TRUMP: We sent in the US Marshals for the killer ... the man that killed the young man in the street ... just shot him.

Army veteran Michael Forest Reinoehl was a suspect in the shooting of right-wing extremist Aaron "Jay" Danielson at a Portland protest. He claimed in a Vice interview that he acted in self-defense, just like Kyle Rittenhouse, who is still alive and will have what we here in these United States call a “trial" with lawyers inside a courtroom. The president doesn't bother with “alleged" or “suspect." He just tries and convicts the guy because he shot one of his supporters.

TRUMP: [He] cold-blooded killed him. He didn't like his hat.

We don't approve of any form of gun violence, but before he died, Reinoehl gave his reasons and they had nothing to do with Danielson's haberdashery.

From Vice:

"You know, lots of lawyers suggest that I shouldn't even be saying anything, but I feel it's important that the world at least gets a little bit of what's really going on," Reinoehl said. "I had no choice. I mean, I, I had a choice. I could have sat there and watched them kill a friend of mine of color. But I wasn't going to do that."

Reinoehl was shot and killed outside his own home as the marshals tried to arrest him. That is not the preferred outcome. Due process is a still a thing here. Or maybe it isn't. Trump is president, after all.

TRUMP: Two and a half days went by. I put out: “When are you going to go get him?" And the US marshals went in to go get him. And in a short period of time, they ended in a gunfight.

This wasn't the OK Corral. The marshals allege that Reinoehl "produced a firearm, threatening the lives of law enforcement officers." In cop-speak, that probably meant he was holding a gun or reaching for a gun or maybe waving his hand in a gun-like manner. If he had fired the gun, they'd have said so.

TRUMP: This guy was a violent criminal, and the US Marshals killed him. And I'll tell you something -- that's the way it has to be. There has to be retribution.

Trump might as well say that anyone who opposes him will “sleep with the fishes." He's an autocratic thug with no respect for democracy.

There are 50 days remaining until we can vote his ass out of office. Let's make them count.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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