President Nine Iron Hard At Work Golfing The COVID-19 Away
There is vigorous debate over whether Donald Trump is the single-worst president in US history. He has serious competition for most corrupt (wave at the folks reading, Warren G. Harding!), most racist (the dueling Andrews Jackson and Johnson), and most destructive to the nation (slow cap for James Buchanan). However, historians will likely agree Trump is unrivaled in his shiftless laziness. He rolls into the office at noon during a pandemic, and he thinks binge-watching FOX News like your average racist retiree is the same as reading his intelligence briefings.
No one with a real job and a minor child thinks Trump works hard or much at all. Most of us don't care. The nation couldn't survive Trump pulling full-time hours. However, all the president's stooges like to pretend that Trump has a work ethic. Former (acting) White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney claimed with a straight face that Trump didn't even need to sleep like mere mortals. He was too busy "emailing, and texting, and taking phone calls," which are all activities you take away from your teenager when they're grounded.
Trump's been criticized for golfing while the nation burns, although our position is that Trump should transition to a golf-only presidency. Trump took to the Twitter-mobile Sunday to explain why his old rich asshole pastime is essential work.
These obsessed Crossfitters, who I'm sure exist, aren't literally the president, but whatever. Trump claims his “exercise" is golf, because “exercise" is something you do once a week and very quickly. Melania Trump would call that a contractual obligation. (Allegedly!) He probably doesn't even believe his own nonsense, because he needlessly puts “exercise" in quotes like Dr. Evil's “laser." (Also doesn't understand how quotation marks work.)
Golf is technically exercise. You burn a lot of calories trying to stay awake. NPR interviewed a golfer at the Sligo Creek Golf Course back in 2015, who explained all the wax-on, wax-off benefits of the game.
"You're swinging — big swings — to drive the ball," [Kelly] James says. That uses lots of muscles. "There's even a little yoga," she says, if you consider the balancing, and the turning and twisting of the torso — and the overall meditative aspect of being on the course."
Yeah, Trump is a real meditative fellow. Golf is clearly the president's Rocky IV montage training regimen for his big rematch with that ramp.
Trump is a racist liar, so he can't help lying about how much Barack Obama golfed. In his diseased mind, Obama is like the Black politicians in Birth of a Nation (played by white guys in Blackface) who took off their shoes and aired out their stinky feet while eating fried chicken. He's also claimed that Obama just hung out in the dining room watching basketball all day.
However, in reality, Trump has golfed far more than Obama ever did at a similar point in his presidency, but that's OK because Trump was “working" during his piddly ass “exercise."
See? Trump plays VERY FAST and he packs a lot of work into those 18 holes. But he's not golfing with medical experts who are helping him strategize how to slow the spread of COVID-19. As Robert Reich tweeted this weekend, Trump has played golf more times this weekend than he's met with Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Trump is tired of his own stupid lie and now claims he gets a “tiny bit" of exercise while riding around his golf cart, not thinking for a moment about the Americans who'll have died this weekend under what passes for his “watch."
Yeah, maybe he is the worst president ever across the board.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."