President Obama Asks Americans To Stop Being Dicks

Seriously, America, cut it out

[contextly_sidebar id="Ph90khEuGhv27FWecGH8x3PU91JvqsYZ"]Wasn't President Barry H. Oh Yeah In Your Face Bamz's final State of the Union address SO exciting, you guys? Not according to Donald Trump, who deemed it "really boring, slow, lethargic - very hard to watch!" But that's probably because the president used too many big words for Trump to follow, like "the" and "America."

In his brief 22-minute speech that lasted just over an hour, our favorite Obama showed up, the one who is fresh out of fucks for you Republicans nihilist obstructionist a-holes who think gravity is almost as big a hoax as the so-called "state" of Hawaii.

While Republicans preemptively pronounced the speech WORST EVAH! even before they saw it -- for reals, Bill O'Reilly declared on his show just before the address that he intended to inform his viewers of just how bad it was, regardless of content -- it was, overall, a gentle and inoffensive speech. Oh, except for when he made Republicans SO mad they actually booed him for this egregious claim:

I told you earlier all the talk of America’s economic decline is political hot air. Well, so is all the rhetoric you hear about our enemies getting stronger and America getting weaker. The United States of America is the most powerful nation on Earth. Period. It’s not even close.

Pffft. There he goes again, hating America like how he do, by saying we're not in our last desperate throes and our enemies are not about to kill us dead. What an unpatriotic jerk, huh?

Sure, the president divisively and provocatively mentioned Obamacare (still not dead, suck it!), and also how science is a real thing, and how he'd officially making Vice President Joe Biden Lord God King Czar of Curing Cancer. And yeah, he did toss in a line about how it's cool that people who love each other can get married now, even if they have matching genitals.

But the part that really riled Republicans -- aside from saying America, like Obamacare, is still not dead -- was when Obama called on us, his fellow Americans, to not be such rage-monkey dick-kickers because that is NOT an American value, and it's not even good policy:

That’s why we need to reject any politics that targets people because of race or religion. This isn’t a matter of political correctness. It’s a matter of understanding what makes us strong. The world respects us not just for our arsenal; it respects us for our diversity and our openness and the way we respect every faith. His Holiness, Pope Francis, told this body from the very spot I stand tonight that “to imitate the hatred and violence of tyrants and murderers is the best way to take their place.” When politicians insult Muslims, when a mosque is vandalized, or a kid bullied, that doesn’t make us safer. That’s not telling it like it is. It’s just wrong. It diminishes us in the eyes of the world. It makes it harder to achieve our goals. And it betrays who we are as a country.

No wonder Donald Trump was bored. When he is president, he will no doubt announce, during his first State of the Union, a new initiative to vandalize ALL the mosques and bully ALL the kids and tell the rest of the world to suck his big classy bar of gold because America, fuck yeah and fuck your mom! (Or your hot daughter, ewwwwww.) Actual President Obama, however, sees things differently:

It won’t be easy. Our brand of democracy is hard. But I can promise that a year from now, when I no longer hold this office, I’ll be right there with you as a citizen — inspired by those voices of fairness and vision, of grit and good humor and kindness that have helped America travel so far. Voices that help us see ourselves not first and foremost as black or white or Asian or Latino, not as gay or straight, immigrant or native born; not as Democrats or Republicans, but as Americans first, bound by a common creed. Voices Dr. King believed would have the final word — voices of unarmed truth and unconditional love.

Clearly, invoking the great conservative Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was a real co-optive dick move, but the president wasn't even done reminding us that we should try being nice to our fellow citizens, even the ones who aren't straight white dudes, because (allegedly) we're better than that:

That’s the America I know. That’s the country we love. Clear-eyed. Big-hearted. Optimistic that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. That’s what makes me so hopeful about our future.

Is he right? Who knows? But we'll find out next January, when the new president stands before Congress and America to declare either that we are good and decent people, or, if Obama is wrong, that we are about to bomb the shit out of ISIS and all the Muslims everywhere, to Make America Great Again.


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