President Obama 'Bout To Run Victory Laps On Your Face! Your State Of The Union Preview.
This is actually what the White House tweeted. Watch the SOTU to see if he's getting dressed or getting naked!
Oh gosh, everyone, get ready to shed a single tear down your face, for tonight (Tuesday), Barack Obama will do the State Of The Kenyan Muslim Gay Usurper Union Address for the very last time! Oh no, we are sadface, because we know that next year, we'll probably get to watch President Hillary Clinton say tough lady vagina words at the SOTU, or President Bernie Sanders say tough BOY vagina words, or maybe it'll be Donald Trump reading out nuclear codes on live television. We dunno, because we're not a prophet.
But this year, Obama will be taking his victory lap, sticking it in all the Republicans' faces, and probably saying "important president words" about "stuff and things."
Let's make wild guesses what it's going to be like:
President Ain't-Give-No-Fucks will probably be delivering this address tonight, correct?
[contextly_sidebar id="Xc3of2iJdeU1o9mRhfnwogk7VJm1Fbur"]If his demeanor of late is any indication, yes. The way he's spent the last year LOLing at Republicans and calling them wiener puss-giblets for being scared of Syrian refugees, yadda yadda, we're pretty sure he'll be having fun up there.
Is he going to take away everybody's guns this time, finally????
Yes, but only if you've whined on Twitter about how he's coming for your guns. So ... Breitbart writers? Yr fucked.
He's probably going to be wagging his schlong around a whole bunch about how he did gay marriage and Obamacare and, like, whatever else he's "accomplished," isn't he?
Ayup. In fact, according to CNN, he's not even going to bother asking Congress for a damn thing and is basically going to tell everybody how awesome he is and that he is their real dad and "YOUR MOM!" and "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck all you."
Did he invite anybody special to sit in his wife's box?
God, that is the grossest way you could have possibly asked that.
But really, did he?
Yes and oh GOOD HEAVENS, they are a big ole fuck you, right into the brain holes of Republicans like Ted Cruz, Donald Trump and all the other fire-roasted smegma goats with R's next to their names. Tell us, New York Times:
A Syrian refugee, a former illegal immigrant who went on to serve in the United States Army and the lead plaintiff in the Supreme Court case last year legalizing same-sex marriage will be among the official guests on Tuesday as President Obama delivers his final State of the Union address.
All together now: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. A Muslin, a Messican, and a gaymosexual walk into a bar, to hang out with the president. Every Republican in the world is Not On The List.
Perhaps even more poignant will be the empty chair, which will represent gun violence victims. Suck it hard, NRA.
Speaking of Republicans, is there anybody running for president who has decided to be a little shit and not show up, even though he is a sitting United States senator?
Marco Rubio! Haha wait just kidding, Rubio hasn't announced he's not showing up, he'll probably just forget because he's bad at remembering to go to work. But for actually, Ted Cruz is the disrespectful, insubordinate shitwaffle who will not be coming, because he's "busy campaigning" or something.
Or maybe he's just having a hard week, realizing that even most Republicans would refuse to piss on his pale Canadian bacon Cuban jerk chicken ass even if it was aflame with the fire of a thousand suns, and he just doesn't wanna go. Awwwww, not sorry.
Are they gonna do that thing where they pick a newbie Republican, preferably dusky of hue, to give the SUPER AWESOME WE ARE SO SURE Republican response, at which point that person's career will whirlpool itself down the LOLhole forever?
Come get your participation trophy, Gov. Nikki Haley of South Carolina!
How do we watch the thing?
Dunno, dumbass, which appliance in your house shows the moving pictures?
At 9 PM ET, on the television, or on the intertubes, any channel you like, except maybe Lifetime.
And Wonkette will be liveblogging, correct?
Is the pope a bear who shits in the woods? NAW SILLY, he's a little short man who speaks foreign! But yeah. Y'all come see us tonight, y'hear?
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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