Donald Trump confessed this morning, by accident, the way he always does it:

It only took him three years, but he's finally starting to admit that his "presidency" wouldn't exist if a hostile foreign power hadn't provided it to him. Hooray! (We screengrabbed the tweet for perpetuity, because it'll probably get deleted, but let the record show, he said he "had nothing to do with Russia helping me to get elected." Which is a thing that definitely happened!)

So Trump is handling Robert Mueller's Wednesday press conference -- where Mueller, in so many words, called Bill Barr a liar, explained that his report does not exonerate Donald Trump, and did everything but demand Congress impeach and convict Trump immediately -- with all the chill we've come to expect. You could tell how relaxed Trump was, by all the things he said on his way to Marine One this morning.

For instance, Trump called Mueller a "total conflicted person" (because one time Mueller didn't want to be a member of a trashy Trump golf club anymore), and said Mueller's team consisted of "some of the worst human beings on earth." Like we said, super chill.

Next up, President Dumbfuck tried to debunk what he accidentally admitted on Twitter this morning, telling a reporter, "Russia did not help me get elected!" (Yes it did.) Then he screamed about how Russia helped the other side, and accused Hillary Clinton of doing NO COLLUSION with both Russia and the media. Then the raccoons in his brain encouraged him to claim yet again that nobody talks about Russia anymore, because "it all turned out to be a hoax." Which is funny, because we still don't have a real answer on whether Trump is a literal actual Russian agent, or if he just gets butterflies in his stomach when Vladimir Putin talks to him because he's a loser who falls in love with guys who will never truly love him back. (Or both.)

Anyway, the point is that we need to keep talking about Russia. It wasn't a hoax, the Mueller Report did not find NO COLLUSION, and there is still a fuckton of questions that need to be answered.

And now, for our favorite clip of all!

Trump was asked about the possibility of impeachment, and not for the first time he claimed he's not worried because he "can't imagine the courts allowing it." That's right, America, your president is so gargantuanly and mindfuckingly stupid and ignorant of the Constitution, he thinks that if the House impeaches him and the Senate convicts him, he gets to file a lawsuit.

Trump went on to say "impeach" is a "dirty, filthy, disgusting word," a word that has "nothing to do with me," and said he hasn't committed any "high crimes" or "misdemeanors," therefore NO IMPEACH! We'd say more about this clip, but unfortunately we just started coughing uncontrollably because we're laughing so hard that Trump thinks Kegstand and the Douche he installed on the Supreme Court can overturn his impeachment.

You'd think that was enough batshit for one stroll down the White House driveway, but that would be underestimating what a stupid, thin-skinned, unhinged whiny-ass baby the president of the United States really is. He couldn't possibly make it to the big helicopter without having a temper tantrum about John McCain, could he? News leaked last night that Trump's White House literally requested the USS John McCain be hidden from Trump during his Japan trip, because the name "John McCain" hurts his feelings, even though the ship was actually not originally named for the dead senator in the first place, but rather his father and grandfather. (Senator McCain's name was added as a namesake for the ship in 2018.) Yep, this is a thing that happened, and the fact we know about it is a weapons-grade leak, which means it really pissed people off.

In the clip, Trump denies involvement in the request, then whines about McCain for 30 full seconds, because McCain's ghost will be living rent-free in Trump's brain until the day he dies.

Moments later, Trump came back to whining about John McCain for another whole minute or so, because of course he wasn't done. But this time, while still denying the USS McCain story, he also kind of confirmed it, saying that whoever made the decision to hide the big boat from him was "doing him a favor."

As Trump rounded third base and got ready to waddle onto the big helicopter, he barfed out word salad about NO COLLUSION, NO CRIME, and said everybody should read a little thing called "Article II," because it gives the president powers "you wouldn't believe," but it doesn't matter, Trump doesn't even need "Article II," but you should read it, because he certainly has, by using his well known reading skills.

Trump finished his tantrum by bitching for two solid minutes about Mexicans and saying he's going to make a "big league" statement about the border either today or tomorrow, because for heaven's sake, he's got to distract us with something, doesn't he? We'd share you that video, but you don't want to watch it anyway.

The president of the United States is not doing well, in his brain.

[videos via Aaron Rupar]

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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