President Reading Rainbow Will Beat Impeachment By Confessing Crimes On TV

Donald Trump continues to believe the best people to fight his impeachment are Donald Trump, who is the president not only of America but also of #TheBestIdeas. Always remember, as we go through these dark and trying times, to feel #blessed about the fact that the criminal-in-chief is an absolute fucking idiot, and no outside advice will ever change that.

So with that in mind, he has some #ideas about how he's going to get in front of this whole impeachment thing, which he explained to the Washington Examiner wingnut rag. There is a "fireside chat" involved! He is going to READ THE TRANSCRIPT!

Yes, it's going to be storytime with President Reading Rainbow, and ... uh ... well, nobody's going to watch, unless they're just curious to see how much he slurs his words and if he accidentally confesses to more crimes than are in the partial transcript of his treason crime call with the president of Ukraine (read it here!), but whatever, DONALD TRUMP HAS THE BEST IDEAS:

"This is over a phone call that is a good call," Trump, sitting behind the Resolute Desk, said in an interview with the Washington Examiner. "At some point, I'm going to sit down, perhaps as a fireside chat on live television, and I will read the transcript of the call, because people have to hear it. When you read it, it's a straight call."

When you read it, you see that he clearly tells Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy to investigate the Bidens and also the conspiracy theories about the 2016 election that grow on top of his Big Mac turds. You also see that at a key moment, after Zelenskiy says something about buying missiles from the US (which is part of the aid Trump was holding up), Trump says, "I would like you to do us a favor, though," and by "us" he means himself, because there is no possible fucking world where Ukraine chasing Donald Trump's fever dreams is in America's national interest. That's the quid pro quo. That's the extortion. On top of the central crime of asking a foreign power to ratfuck the 2020 election for Trump.

Trump wants people to READ THE TRANSCRIPT, even though all the people who have spoken to Congress have confirmed that it was not a "perfect" call, and the whistleblower report confirms that many in the White House were absolutely freaked out by the crime they had just witnessed.

(Yes, every hyperlink in the last three paragraphs goes to the transcript. We want you to read it too, if you haven't! SPOILER, it is a crime transcript.)

Surprise, there will be merch, because one thing Donald Trump doesn't miss is an opportunity to grift dumbshits:

He outlined a strategy for fighting back that would rely on the White House account of his phone call with the Ukrainian president, including T-shirts with the slogan, "Read the transcript."

The Venn Diagram of people wearing the "READ THE TRANSCRIPT!" T-shirt and people who have actually read the transcript will be two circles that shan't ever touch. This is perhaps the only part of Trump's "plan" that makes any goddamned sense, even though he'll obviously be preaching to his rapidly shrinking choir of old white diabeetus people. He knows his pig turd supporters will absolutely spend their Social Security Bux on a T-shirt that says "READ THE TRANSCRIPT!" without it ever occurring to them to do what the shirt says.

The part where he "fireside chats" and reads it, though? Assuming he can actually read? Don't think that's a very good idea, cowboy, because the mob boss language of the call will really shine on TV. You see, he may really think that Adam Schiff's treason paraphrase of his phone call is what America thinks is the real transcript, but all Schiff did was help people understand the mob talk. When folks hear it from President Crime Boss, they'll get it.

Don't worry, though, he says, because he is the best expert of how to fight impeachment, he ain't need no fuckin' war room -- "I already have good people," he says, YEAH BUDDY -- and also he is innocent of all crimes, past, present and future:

"Everybody knows I did nothing wrong," he said. "Bill Clinton did things wrong; Richard Nixon did things wrong. I won't go back to [Andrew] Johnson because that was a little before my time," he said. "But they did things wrong. I did nothing wrong."

Bill Clinton got a blowie and lied about it. Trump's lawyers are literally in court arguing that Nixon got a raw deal and shouldn't have had to turn over evidence of his crimes to Congress. Meanwhile, Trump is a walking crime spree. OK fine, he is a waddling crime spree.

Of course, Trump is also still leaning on the defense that he has the best brain, and that if he really wanted to commit a crime on that crime call, he would have been UNSTUPID enough to do it in private, and not with all those people listening:

"I got stenographers and all these other people on the line," he said. "I am going to make a statement that is illegal or bad? Who would do a thing like that?"

You would, Mister President. You really are that stupid.

Speaking of people who were listening to the crime call, Trump is very excited about the testimony of National Security Council Russia adviser Tim Morrison on Thursday, because apparently he heard the part about how Morrison did not think Trump had committed any crimes on the call.

Trump flicked through a pile of papers to hold up a copy of news clipping reporting on Morrison's opening statement and said it was "fantastic." He said: "This was going to be their star witness."

Apparently he did not hear the part about how Morrison, who is not a lawyer and therefore whose interpretation of what is crime and what is not crime is irrelevant, literally confirmed every detail of Trump's crimes and corroborated every other witness's story. Fuuuuuuucking idiot.

But hey, if it gives him false hope, we're all for it, because it'll just make it more fun to watch him fall.

[Washington Examiner]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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