How Batsh*t Is Trump's Covid Stimulus Signing Statement, On A Scale Of One To VOTER FRAUDSSSS!11!1!1?
Donald Trump GIF

Hooray! Trump has finally signed the covid stimulus bill to avoid a government shutdown. And all it took was his advisers telling him he had a fictional line-item veto power, the same one the Supreme Court struck down as unconstitutional in 1997. Because we've reached the broken joystick era of the Trump presidency, where everyone assures him with tears in their eyes that sir, you're at the height of your powers, Mister President, sir, while silently praying he'll stay on the golf course and refrain from blowing anything else up.

The president begins his hilariously self-congratulatory signing statement with a reference to "my responsibility to protect the people of our country from the economic devastation and hardship that was caused by the China Virus" before going on to blame "Democrat-run states" for destroying small businesses with "harsh actions."

"Fortunately, as a result of my work with Congress in passing the CARES Act earlier this year, we avoided another Great Depression," he writes, neglecting to mention that upwards of ten million people are still unemployed, while the pace of recovery is clearly slowing, and the administration has only managed to get one million people vaccinated thus far, falling far short of the 20 million goal for December. "Under my leadership, Project Warp Speed has been a tremendous success, my Administration and I developed a vaccine many years ahead of wildest expectations, and we are distributing these vaccines, and others soon coming, to millions of people."

Then the really crazy shit starts.

As President I am demanding many rescissions under the Impoundment Control Act of 1974. The Act provides that, "whenever the President determines that all or part of any budget authority will not be required to carry out the full objectives or scope of programs for which it is provided, or that such budget authority should be rescinded for fiscal policy or other reasons (including termination of authorized projects or activities for which budget authority has been provided), the President shall transmit to both Houses of Congress a special message" describing the amount to be reserved, the relevant accounts, the reasons for the rescission, and the economic effects of the rescission. 2 U.S.C. § 683.

Sure, Poppy.

If the Impoundment Control Act is ringing a bell, it's probably because Trump flagrantly violated it in the summer of 2019 when he sat on congressionally allocated defense funds for Ukraine in an attempt to blackmail that country into ginning up a bogus investigation of Joe Biden. And Trump can namecheck the law in this nonsense statement, but it has zero effect on the funds.

In theory, Russ Vought, director of the Office of Management and Budget (OMB), has dispatched a memorandum to Congress outlining the provisions being rescinded for, um, terrorism reasons: "In accordance with section 6(b) of the Consolidated Appropriations Act, 2021 (H.R. 133; the "Act"), I hereby designate for Overseas Overseas Contingency Operations/Global War on Terrorism all funding (including the rescission of funds) so designated by the Congress in the Act pursuant to section 251(b)(2)(A) of the Balanced Budget and Emergency Deficit Control Act of 1985, as outlined in the enclosed list of accounts." Because it's fun to say stupid shit and pretend Trump will be around in 2021 to have this idiotic argument over the budget.

But wait, there's more!

Trump is taking credit for the House vote today to increase payments from a measly $600 to $2,000, as if this plan has a snowball's chance in Mitch McConnell's Senate. Once again, he fails to mention that his own Treasury secretary signed off on this bill and promised that his erratic boss was totally onboard. Just a little parting gift for four years of quisling loyalty by Steve Mnuchin.

And while he's writing this masterwork of fiction, Trump pats himself on the back because "Congress has promised that Section 230, which so unfairly benefits Big Tech at the expense of the American people, will be reviewed and either be terminated or substantially reformed."

Spoiler Alert: That never happened. Lindsey Graham can promise the moon when he's spending Christmas in holy communion with the Dear Leader, i.e.playing golf, but he can't commit Mitch McConnell, much less Nancy Pelosi, to anything.

And, what the hell, while we're making stuff up, Trump boasts that "the House and Senate have agreed to focus strongly on the very substantial voter fraud which took place in the November 3 Presidential election."

What is he even talking about? Nancy Pelosi hasn't agreed to shit. Maybe Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy promised to do ... something? But since we just spent the past four years learning that the minority has no subpoena power, good luck with that.

In summary and in conclusion, BLAHBLAHBLAH GET THE FUCK OUT.

[Signing Statement]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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