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Did you know that amid all the hubbub and hullabaloo and GO TO JAIL of yesterday, Donald Trump had one of his little Hitler rallies in West Virginia? It would be OK if you missed it, because nothing that man says is worth listening to. But sometimes it is worth LOLing at!

For instance, y'all need to know that the president of the United States knows how turkey is cooked, or at least how his mama did it, and that is vaginally. He is talking about how long it takes to do the Art of the Deal and make a good bill with Congress:




People are coming to me, some people in Congress. "Sir! Can you get this deal done immediately!" I said it doesn't work that way, I don't wanna go too fast! The deal's not gonna be any good if we do that!

You should be watching the video, because it's like Trump is making fun of his own voice. Or maybe his brain is just leaking a lot these days. Anyway, GESTATION:

You gotta take time. It's gotta GESTATE, right? The word GESTATE. Like when you're cooking a chicken!

Que?

Time! Time! Turkey for Thanksgiving!

Que?

My mother would say "Oh, eight hours!" I would say "EIGHT HOURS?" She made the greatest turkey I have ever had!

Because she GESTATED it, like all choosy moms do!

OK, so we are just curious. Is Donald Trump just bad at words, or did Mary Trump really cook the turkey in her lady garden? Because that is not what Julia Child would have ever recommended, and she was a fucking spy, so she woulda known.

Maybe Trump is just the stupidest person ever, but is it possible that when Trump's mom was pregnant with one of his siblings, he heard somebody say she had a "bun in the oven," therefore the next time young Trump ate a loaf of bread, he assumed naturally it had recently been birthed from his mom's lady area, and that therefore that must just be where food comes from?

When Trump grabs them by the pussy, is he simply trying to say he's HUNGRY?

FOR PUSSGIBLETS? LIKE MAMA USED TO MAKE?

Reminder. This was Mary Trump:

Does that look like a lady who gestates turkeys and then feeds them to her son? We are just asking, because we don't know what a lady who gestates turkeys and then feeds them to her son would look like.

Y'all, even Twitchy's NINE PAID STAFFERS (we don't know how many staffers they have now, but it was once the ridiculous number of nine) were like "The fuck you say?"

The rest of the rally was weird, in the usual way. The crowd hooted and hollered and honked and snorted and made out with their sisters (who may or may not have been GESTATING chicken fried steak in their Down Theres at the time) while screaming "LOCK HER UP!" They actually yelled "DRAIN THE SWAMP!" too, because these people are fucking morons.

As for the men in Trump's life who are actually going to be doing hard prison time very soon, Trump had nothing to say about them.

At one point, Trump did his usual NO COLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLUSION riff, at the end saying, "FIND THE COLUSION!"

Sounds like a dare to us! Don't worry, Babyshits, they already found the COLUSION. Robert Mueller isn't going to reveal it all just yet, though. We're like 1/3 of the way through this fireworks show, according to Wonkette's Sexclusive Calculator of the Mueller Investigation, and you don't do the big reveal until the end. You'd think President Reality Show would understand this.

Elsewhere in the rally, Trump said "WALL!" and "SPACE FORCE!" and something about how Mexicans murder everybody, we don't care.

Finally, this is how Trump described West Virginia Governor Jim Justice, that asshole who suddenly turned Republican because he wanted Trump's love:

He's a big man! He's ALL MAN!

And here is video of Trump calling Justice "the largest, most beautiful man":

Remember that time Trump confessed crimes on Twitter and referred to Don Jr. as "my wonderful son"? Yeah well, he didn't call Don Jr. his "largest, most beautiful son," so we guess it's time for Junior to cry a lot now, because Daddy doesn't love him enough to call him large and beautiful like big burly sexual creature Jim Justice.

Anyway, that's all we have to say about this rally, which means this post has fully gestated in Mary Trump's Netherlands, by which we mean it is over now.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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photo by Dominic Gwinn

There was a time, a few months ago, when everyone had written off Elizabeth Warren. Well, not me, because I am a fabulous genius, but lots of other people. The "very reasonable" talking heads on all the various news channels, the kind of people who used to say things like "Oh, we'd like universal health care too, but 'the people' will never go for it!" but who definitely did not actually want universal health care for any reason, and even the Trump campaign. Though, to be fair, the Trump campaign didn't think Trump had much of a chance of winning in 2016 either.

But now, as more and more people hear her speak, hear her plans, hear what she wants to do and how she wants to do it... Elizabeth Warren is rising up in the polls. She's a contender. In the most recent Quinnipiac poll, she was closing in on Sanders for second place nationally, and in California and Nevada polls, she's in second place.

And now, according to a report from Politico, the Trump campaign is now scrambling and panicking and... stalking her?

Keep reading... Show less
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