Pretty Sure Donald Trump Just Added The 'My Pillow' Guy To His Team Of Rent-A-Lawyers
Either a week ago or a year ago, we do not even know, Maggie Haberman reported in the New York Times that Donald Trump had interviewed Emmet Flood, a longtime DC lawyer who helped Bill Clinton during his blowjob impeachment, possibly in hopes of putting him on the Trump team of Very Good Lawyers. But nooooooooooo, Trump protested on Twitter, he loooooooooves his legal team of Not Idiot Lawyers, and he won't be changing a thing!
But listen, just because Trump has hired the best stable of lawyers ever, who type in purple comic sans and get baited by hairy nutsacks on the regular, doesn't mean his legal team can't get BETTER. And it is in that spirit Trump has brought on Joe diGenova, a former US attorney and current Fox News idiot, to make his legal defense even more awesome. Let's see how the New York Times and the Washington Post report this development:
Ohhhhhhhhhh, this is gonna be the good shit!
Let's watch a fun video from Tucker Carlson's Fox News show "Wanna Watch A White Supremacist Play With Himself On TV?" to see what it is about diGenova that might be so attractive to Trump, besides how he reminds us of the My Pillow guy and we're pretty sure Donald Trump is the type of person who buys shit off infomercials. Carlson introduced diGenova as a big important DC lawyer (LOL), and then they were off to the races:
DIGENOVA: ... [T]here was a brazen plot to illegally exonerate Hillary Clinton and, if she didn't win the election, to then frame Donald Trump with a falsely created crime.
DIGENOVA: ... [T]he FBI and senior DOJ officials conspired to violate the law and to deny Donald Trump his civil rights.
HIS CIVIL RIGHTS?
Do law at us harder, bro, you're gettin' us hot!
To be clear, diGenova was commenting on the day-long Fox News conspiracy theory where those two FBI adulterer-sexter-agents were talking about a "secret society" against Donald Trump. Fox was forced to mostly abandon the conspiracy theory when everybody who ever lived was like "THEY WERE FUCKING JOKING, YOU IDIOTS."
The Washington Post collected a bunch more fun sayings and folksy expressions known to come out of the mouth of Joseph E. diGenova, Attorney At Derp, and oh boy, put us across the Thanksgiving table from THIS legal beagle:
- "Every one of these people [James Comey, Andrew McCabe, etc.] should be put in a wanted poster at a post office, even though they may never be arrested.”
- "This is the single most important scandal of the last 50 years because senior DOJ and FBI officials engaged in conduct that was designed to corrupt an American presidential election. It wasn't the Russians who corrupted the presidential election; it was the American officials at the Department of Justice and the FBI.”
- "I think when all was said and done, Rod Rosenstein's memorandum and the appointment of a special counsel will go down in history as one of the worst decisions ever made by a Justice Department official.”
- "Every My Pillow is made with passion here in my home state of Minnesota!"
OK, that last one might not be a Joe diGenova quote. But still!
Now, we're not going to say Joe diGenova is as bad at law as Cooley Law School "Most Likely To Threaten A Porn Star" graduate and Trump idiot Michael Cohen, because nobody is that bad at law. We are just saying he's a brainwashed dick waffle from whom normal people should back away slowly. And he reminds us of the My Pillow guy.
The New York Times gives a few more biographical details about Joe diGenova, like for instance his wife Victoria Toensing is also a not-so-great wingnut lawyer who's represented such Trumpworld shining lights as Erik Prince and Sam Clovis. She also represents Mark Corallo, the guy who quit his job as spokesman for Trump's legal team last year when he was pretty sure NC-17 rated obstruction of justice was being committed right in front of his virgin eyes.
Also, here's a weird side-note that might become less of a side-note in the future. Have you heard the stories about the sordid pedophile past of George Nader, the lobbyist goon for the United Arab Emirates that Robert Mueller nabbed in the airport in January and turned into a cooperating witness? Rachel Maddow reported Monday night that long ago, when Joe diGenova was a federal prosecutor, he actually failed to secure a conviction against Nader, where others succeeded. So, at this point, that is kind of a "huh!" detail. But if we see a new tack from Trump's lawyers about how Nader can't be a trustworthy cooperating witness because he's a criminal (as, ahem, cooperating witnesses TEND TO BE, though not usually in the dirty pedo way), we'll know where it's coming from.
So that is the story of Joe diGenova! If Trump thinks this guy is Robert Mueller's match, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OK, PLEASE CARRY ON, MISTER PRESIDENT.
Oh, did you hear Trump is thinking of firing lead Russia lawyer Ty Cobb, the one who says "cooperate with Robert Mueller" all the time? And that John Dowd, Mr. Purple Comic Sans, is thinking of quitting? Those are things that are happening.
Everything is just awesome at the White House, obviously.
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