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CNN has an amazing report out on your old pal Julian Assange, who is stinky with cat pee, allegedly, unless he's taken a bath recently, PSHAW, and who at this point should be considered as nothing other than a witting and willing asset of the Russian intelligence services. That's been a question over the last few years -- when Trump people knowingly colluded and conspired with WikiLeaks, did they know they were cahootsing with the Russians? We imagine we'll get a lot more information on that as the case against Roger Stone proceeds, as much of the Mueller Report on that subject is redacted, in order to protect investigative methods and ongoing matters.

Regardless, news just keeps coming out that appears to say yes, Julian Assange, Freedom Fighter For Radical Transparency And Other Stuff Also Too, has been well aware of who his bosses are this whole time. First, there was the news broken by Michael Isikoff recently, about where that Seth Rich phantasmagorical murder conspiracy really came from. (SPOILER: Russia.) Something that sticks out like a sore thumb about that story is how Assange publicly tried to finger Rich (who was dead at the time) as his source (which seems like a no-no for a true transparency organization that just wants to radically inform people), even though he was well-aware that he received his treasure trove of stolen DNC emails (stolen by the Russians) four days after Rich was murdered. Assange literally offered a reward for THE REAL KILLERS.

And now cometh CNN with a story of just how a lot of the 2016 election-fucking data transfers to WikiLeaks appear to have happened, and CNN has the story because it got its hands on the security logs of UC Global, one of the security companies Ecuador hired after the election to look into where the fuck Assange's loyalties really lay. Who came to visit Julian Assange? Oh just all these Russians in masks and shit. And when did they come to visit? Oh just random times that often seemed to align with WikiLeaks dumping caches of stolen dirt (stolen by the Russians) on the internet.


The Mueller Report delves into when and how WikiLeaks received all its Russian-stolen documents in 2016, and considers the possibility that sometimes they didn't get them through email, but rather through cut-outs who physically visited Assange in Stinky Town. For example, from page 47 of Volume I:

"Andrew Müller-Maguhn." Bookmark that name in your brain. You'll need it in like three paragraphs.

And now to CNN:

Despite being confined to the embassy while seeking safe passage to Ecuador, Assange met with Russians and world-class hackers at critical moments, frequently for hours at a time. He also acquired powerful new computing and network hardware to facilitate data transfers just weeks before WikiLeaks received hacked materials from Russian operatives.

As CNN reports, UC Global assessed that Assange personally directed WikiLeaks releases "directly from the embassy," and concluded there was "no doubt that there is evidence" that he was personally in bed with the Russians. CNN notes that because of the hero's welcome Assange received at the Ecuadorian embassy, which included him having permission to give them a list of names of folks who could visit him without going through security and also allowed him to erase names from the embassy's visitor's logs (!!!), there might be lots of other clandestine meetings UC Global doesn't know about. ("To avoid surveillance cameras, Assange occasionally met guests inside the women's bathroom, according to the security reports." TOTALLY NORMAL.)

But then there are the meetings we do know about now, because of this report!

And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer (for the summer)

Did you know 75 PEOPLE came to visit Julian Assange and look at the poop he smeared on the walls in the embassy during June of 2016? It's true, according to the report! (OK, to be fair, the report does not say Julian Assange took the visitors on a literal tour of his poop walls.) And who were those visitors?

He met Russian citizens and a hacker later flagged in the Mueller report as a potential courier for emails stolen from the Democrats.

Oh OK cool.

One was a Russian lady named Yana Maximova and nobody knows who the fuck she is. She was there twice. CNN reports that Mister Stinky Grundle also met with folks from Russia's state-controlled propaganda network RT five times in June. RT, of course, was part of the Russian influence campaign to ratfuck the election for Trump. Here's an example:

In June 2016, RT's London bureau chief, Nikolay Bogachikhin, visited Assange twice, and gave him a USB drive on one occasion, according to the surveillance reports. That five-minute visit was hastily arranged and required last-minute approval from the Ecuadorian ambassador.

Oh nothing, just a USB drive for some reason, totally normal, happened to be in the neighborhood. Why was he there? We don't know but RUSSIAN MAKE TWITTER JOKE!

It's funny because Novichok is how Russia murders people. HOW YOU SAY "LOL" IN RUSSIAN? Anyway, as CNN notes, that's the last tweet that guy ever sent. Probably just ran out of stuff to say!

CNN follows up with a timeline graphic of what was happening in June 2016, in America and in the embassy. Here is a Wonketted-up excerpt of that timeline:

June 14: DNC says "WE HAVE BEEN HACKED AND IT WAS RUSSIA."

June 19: Stinky Dipshit tells embassy "GIVE ME MORE INTERNET." They give him more internet.

July 6: Via the Mueller Report (Vol. I, p. 45), Assange Snapchats the Russian hackers, posing as Guccifer 2.0:

Golly, Assange was on exactly the same page as the Kremlin! HURT HILLARY! SPLIT OFF BERNIE PEOPLE!

OK back to the timeline:

July 14: Two things happen on the same day: 1) Assange gets "big archive" of DNC emails from Russians. (Remember that Seth Rich was murdered on July 10 at 4:20 AM. We are just noting that again for the record.) 2) Assange has personal meeting with Andrew Müller-Maguhn and Bernd Fix, two German hackers. Hello, Andrew Müller-Maguhn, whose name is in the Mueller Report and whose name you bookmarked in your brain a few grafs ago! CNN reports that the UC Global investigation found that Müller-Maguhn and Assange met "at least 12 times" before the election.

Wonder what that was all about.

July 18: Time for the Republican National Convention in Cleveland! Also time for "Ecuadorian security guard abandons his post to receive a package outside the embassy from a man in disguise," according to CNN. And then time for WikiLeaks to DM the hackers and say GOT YR SPECIAL DELIVERY! Of course, he was communicating with "Guccifer 2.0," and he definitely did not know that was a front for Russian intel, despite all evidence that is right in front of our face. Ayup.

CNN posted a security camera pic of that special delivery:

Here's a fun tidbit:

The security company saw this unfold on surveillance footage and recommended that the guard be replaced. But the Ecuadorian government kept him on the job.

Sounds fine to us.

July 22: The day after the end of the Republican Convention, the Friday before the Democratic Convention, WikiLeaks drops its big DNC dump.

Finishing this section, CNN briefly recaps what happened just after. The DNC started on July 25, the leaks created such chaos that DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz had to resign, and on the 27th, the third day of the convention, Trump said his famous "RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING" thing where he begged Russia to hack Hillary Clinton and find the 33,000 personal emails she deleted before turning all her work emails over to the State Department. And the Russians tried to do that, that very night!

Ah, democracy.

September gurls, I don't know why, how can I deny what's inside?

TIMELINE PART DEUX!

As we all know, the second big document dump from WikiLeaks was Clinton campaign chair John Podesta's emails, and it started on October 7, 2016, on the same day the Obama administration publicly accused Russia of interfering in the election, and also the same day as Trump's "GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY" tape came out. But as CNN notes, the Mueller Report has an idea of when WikiLeaks got that tranche of documents (Vol. 1, p. 47):

And wouldn't you know it, but there were weirdass Russian visits to Stinky Weenus's Stinky Hole around then too! Like, specifically on September 19, the date Mueller identifies as when Russian intelligence probably "staged" the Podesta emails to send them to Assange.

On that day, Assange met again with Müller-Maguhn and the security guards observed Assange installing new computer cables in his room, according to the documents obtained by CNN.

Hi again, Andrew Müller-Maguhn! Come here often?

Again, CNN with a timeline, augmented by Wonkette's dick jokes:

September 15: Russian intelligence all hittin' up WikiLeaks DMs like "Hey I just met you and this is crazy but WE HAVE MORE STOLEN HILLARY SHIT FOR YOU, WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE!"

September 22: Russian intelligence, posing as "DCLeaks," hits send. (Wonder if all the fancy new computer cables Julian Assange got on the 19th helped!)

October 7: D-DAY! And Grab 'Em By The Pussy Day! These things related? Um, probably.

Sometime after that: Barack Obama's administration stomps on Ecuador's dick and tells it to fucking deal with its boy.

October 15: Ecuador takes away Assange's internet and the TV in his room and sends him to bed without dinner. Or at least the first part.

October 18: Assange has BIG FIGHT around 10 in the evening with Ecuadorian ambassador, who says Assange can no longer have any friends over. But weirdly, it doesn't stick. Per CNN:

Within an hour, the ambassador lifts the ban. Two WikiLeaks personnel show up at the embassy and remove computer equipment and about 100 hard drives.

Yeah sure why not, sounds kosher. Turns out Assange decided to go over the ambassador's head and sext with the foreign minister in Quito.

CNN provides the security camera pic of Assange's friends coming over to the embassy and removing the loot:

That's just a normal scene from a normal and valid American election right there, you bet. CNN reports that embassy security wanted to take a lookie and see what Assange's friends were spiriting out of the embassy, but they couldn't because his friends were on his special list of people security wasn't allowed to talk to. Mmhmm!

Of course, at that point, as we all remember and wish we could forget, the WikiLeaks dumps were daily and they were stupid and they revealed no important information, but our DUMBFUCK MEDIA reported on them like they were the goddamned newly discovered Dead Sea Scrolls. Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent the entire last month of his campaign screaming "I LOVE WICKI-LICKS! WICKI-LICKS! WICKI-WKCI-WKCIKICICII-LICKS!" (Exact transcript.)

In other words, the damage was done, and it was also ongoing.

Watch Trump praise WikiLeaks www.youtube.com

Here's a funny thing CNN just reminded us of:

Kremlin-backed outlets, including RT, breathlessly amplified the leaks on social media. On at least two occasions, RT even published articles detailing the new batches of emails before WikiLeaks officially released them ...

It's almost like they were ... COLLUSIONING!

In summary and in conclusion, LOOK AT THIS FUCKING RUSSIAN AGENT

Julian Assange is a Russian agent, allegedly because that is what based on our read of this evidence we are alleging. And this new report has been a fascinating look into what the nuts and bolts of what he did for Russia and Donald Trump in the 2016 election really looked like. It doesn't have a smoking gun where a Russian is on tape saying, "I am sending you special delivery from Vladimir, you know what to do next!" Because that is not how this shit works. But if you take this along with all the other evidence we have, like the Seth Rich stuff, and Assange's EXTREMELY LONG TRACK RECORD, not of fighting for radical transparency and press freedoms for all humans everywhere, but of work that specifically never hurts the Kremlin and always is exactly what the Kremlin wants, it's pretty clear. (For more on Assange's record, check out this excellent article from Tom Nichols published in September of 2016 at The Federalist, yes we said The Federalist.)

As we said, we'll find out more about what evidence Mueller has as Roger Stone's case progresses. We have only just begun to really get a full picture of what this conspiracy, YES BILL BARR WE SAID "CONSPIRACY," really entailed.

But the notion that Julian Assange didn't know exactly who he was working for gets more and more laughable every day.

Fuck that guy.

(And yes, what we said about the Trump Justice Department's current criminal case against Julian Assange, which is entirely unrelated to the 2016 election, still applies, because the Trump administration absolutely could try to use it to damage press freedoms for real journalists in the United States, using the time-honored legal strategy of "LOL, you don't honestly care what we do to that guy, do you?" Two things can be true at the same time.)

[CNN / Mueller Report Volume 1]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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