PRETTY SURE Trump Was In Moscow Long Enough For Dinner And A Pee Show

Let's talk about the one of the stupidest lies Donald Trump has ever told!

When Devin Nunes allegedly and unceremoniously leaked James Comey's memos to Fox News within 30 minutes of receiving them from DOJ, we didn't learn a whole lotta new stuff. It was mostly, "Hey look, Comey wasn't lyin' when he said Donald Trump tried to obstruct justice right to his face a whole lot!" But there was one funny thing, and it is that, as part of Donald Trump's obsession with "disproving" the PEE TAPE part of the Steele Dossier -- you know, because Melania needed reassurance, because Melania is not 100% certain her husband wouldn't enjoy going to Moscow and having a bunch of Russian sex workers perform a traditional Russian pee pee ceremony for him -- he told Comey MULTIPLE TIMES he wasn't even in Moscow long enough for a pee show, because he didn't stay overnight. (Russian pee shows are like Greek weddings, apparently. BIGLY LONG!)

During their private dinner in late January of 2017, Trump told Comey he had been chatting with folks who reminded him he hadn't stayed the night when he visited Moscow in 2013 for the Miss Universe pageant. Later, in an Oval Office meeting, Trump reminded Comey that he hadn't even stayed the night, but added this time that Vladimir Putin had personally told him Russia can boast of having "some of the most beautiful hookers in the world," not that Trump would ever need to pay a woman for sex.

This is not remotely true. Because everything is stupid now, Bloomberg decided to check flight records to see if Trump in fact stayed overnight long enough for a pee party in late 2013 in Moscow, and SPOILER, he did. He flew in on a private plane on a Friday morning, he stayed overnight at the Ritz, then did pageant stuff the next day and evening. After a very late night, the private plane departed Moscow's Vnukovo Airport at 3:58 AM Sunday. That is a lot of hours, and definitely enough time for Trump to clap his hands and bounce in his chair while some Russian ladies take a whiz on the bed.

Thing is, we already knew this was bullshit. When Trump's former security guy Keith Schiller, who accompanied him to Moscow, testified to the House Intelligence Committee, he specifically said the offer to send five sexxxy Russian ladies to Trump's hotel room at the Ritz-Carlton was made in the morning, and that he told Trump about it as they walked back to the hotel that night, whereupon they both said "LOL!" because they knew that Donald Trump, a Christian man, took his marital vows very seriously. Once back at the hotel, Schiller said he stood guard outside Trump's room for a little while, then went to bed and honestly has no idea what happened after that. (Schiller also did not not say yea or nay as to whether the Russian pee hookers might have already been in the room hiding under the bed and waiting for Trump, because nobody thought to ask him.)

In their excellent new book What To Expect When Urine Moscow: The Donald Trump Story Russian Roulette, veteran journalists David Corn and Michael Isikoff also go through the timeline of that trip in great detail. Trump arrived early in the morning on a private plane from North Carolina, where he had gone to Billy Graham's birthday party, because way back in 2013 Trump was sucking Franklin Graham's ass in preparation for a presidential run. (This lines up with Bloomberg's flight records!) Once wheels were down, Trump worked throughout the day, went to his oligarch buddy Aras Agalarov's birthday party until late, then went back to the hotel. At which point, there might have been a few hours available for ...

The next night was the pageant, after which, according to Corn and Isikoff, Trump partied for a while and then took a private plane back to America in the wee hours. (Apparently at 3:58 AM, as Bloomberg found in the flight records!)

Why would President Pee Pee Dance lie about something so easily verifiable, aside from how he is a pathological liar and a very stupid man? Why wouldn't he instead say, "NO PEE HOOKER! NO PEE HOOKER! YOU ARE THE PEE HOOKER"? Isn't that a much simpler denial, especially if somebody legitimately did not enjoy the interpretive urinary dances of Moscow's finest pee hookers in 2013? Is it really necessary to lie to the sitting FBI director about it?

Point is, the pee tape is real, until somebody definitively proves it is not. Sorry, Melania!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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