FEEL THE PAWMENTUM! Everything You Need To Know About Last Night's Primaries

There were a whole bunch of primaries yesterday, and it was a good night for Democrats of diverse backgrounds, with a whole bunch of firsts in the results. On the Republican side, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty failed in his attempt to return to office because he doesn't love Trump enough, and a bunch of other assholes won nomination too, including, no surprise, Scott Walker for re-election. We shall primarysplore!

Dems Put Diversity Where Their Votes Are

Let's start with the Dems' diversity nicetimes, shall we? In Vermont, Christine Hallquist became the first transgender person to win a major-party nomination for governor anywhere in the USA. She's running on a platform of economic development for rural areas, including Medicare for All (and yes, she knows that would need to go through at the federal level, she studied up) and a living wage. She also says that's less "socialist" than "civilized." She'll have a tough fight against incumbent Republican Phil Scott in the general, but if there's a blue wave, she could very well become the nation's first trans governor.

In Connecticut, Jahana Hayes, a teacher, won the Democratic nomination for the 5th congressional district, a likely-safe Democratic seat. She's on track to become Connecticut's first black Democratic member of Congress, a distinction we keep seeing all over the place. Turns out she'd be the mostly-white state's second African American representative overall -- Republican Gary Franks served from 1991 to 1997. Hayes was the 2016 national teacher of the year, and was backed by labor unions like the SEIU, AFL-CIO, and of course the NEA. Teachers rock.

In Minnesota's Democratic-Farmer-Labor primary to replace Keith Ellison in Congress (he's leaving to run for state AG, and won that primary), the winner was 36-year-old Ilhan Omar, who is likely to become the first Somali-American in Congress -- again, it's another heavily Democratic district. Ms. Omar came to the US as a refugee, and we would love to see her grilling Stephen Miller in a hearing. Or just staring at him reproachfully. She's likely to join Michigan Dem Rashida Tlaib in being Congress's first Muslim women. Why, yes, both have already been attacked by anti-Muslim crazyface person Laura Loomer, who showed up at a joint presser for the two candidates and yelled incoherently about Hamas and female genital mutilation. The rightwing is not sending their best. Or worse, they are.

All in all, this year's D primaries have been all kinds of nifty, including this nice alphabetic serendipity:

Tim Pawlenty Once Again Too Boring For Republicans

In Minnesota, former governor and presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty lost to Trump-aligned Hennepin County Commissioner Jeff Johnson, largely because Minnesota Rs -- or the primary voting base, at least -- have become crazy rabid Trumpers who would never dream of voting for a guy who didn't attend Donald Trump's rally in the state. We'll just let you blink in disgust at this note from WaPo's election coverage:

"Tim Pawlenty stuck his finger in the wind," Johnson said in his closing ad, which condemned Pawlenty's criticism of Trump after the release of the Access Hollywood tape in October 2016. "I won't panic when it matters most."

Yup, pretty shameful of Pawlenty to criticize a man for bragging about grabbing women by the pussy. When the tape of Trump saying the N-word inevitably comes out, you won't see Jeff Johnson panicking -- he'll find a way to explain it away for the Dear Leader, hooray! T-Paw conceded this is now "the era of Trump, and I'm just not a Trump-like politician." And then, ever a man of principle, he threw his support behind Johnson.

Johnson's Democratic (-Farmeric-Laboric) opponent in the general election will be Tim Walz, who left Congress to run for governor and has a good shot of benefiting from a Blue Wave, which we'd just like to remind you all will only happen if Democrats (not to mention farmers and laborers) turn the fuck out.

Wisconsin: Scott Walker Still Sucks, Still Has A Machine

No huge surprises in Wisconsin, unless maybe that Scott Walker's get-out-the-vote machine came through for Leah Vukmir, who won the R nomination for US Senate over outsider guy Kevin Nicholson, who had an assload of millionaire money behind him. Politico 'splainers that one:

Walker, who was Milwaukee County executive before becoming governor, didn't endorse Vukmir, knowing that he would share the ticket this fall with whichever candidate won the primary. But it was clear Vukmir had the governor's machine behind her. Walker's son, Alex, worked for Vukmir's campaign. Tonette Walker, the governor's wife, endorsed Vukmir early in the race. And Vukmir also captured the state GOP's endorsement over Nicholson.

Vukmir goes up against Democratic incumbent Tammy Baldwin this fall, and while Baldwin is very popular, there will be shitloads of outside money (and Walker's machine) on Vukmir's side. Send Baldwin a few dollars, will you?

Walker himself goes up against the winner of the D primary, state school Superintendent Tony Evers, who has been running against Walker's budget attacks on Wisconsin's top-notch schools. Again, it's educators to the rescue.

Oh, yes, and in the race to replace Paul Ryan, Democrat Randy "Iron Stache" Bryce rode his big wave of campaign contributions to a win over Cathy Myers. He'll face Republican Bryan Steil, who was endorsed by Ryan. Steil handily beat Nazi jerk Paul Nehlen, who nonetheless managed to get 11 percent of the Republican vote. Not surprisingly, Nehlen blamed his loss, before it even happened, on having hired a Jewish campaign manager. Despite being perma-banned from Twitter, Nehlen created a new account to complain, "Let's start by admitting that I was wrong to have ever trusted a ***. They are never to be trusted. Ever."

Seems downright ungrateful, given that his campaign manager, Josh Smith, went out of his way to hate Jews, too.

The Primary Madness for August isn't over yet: Wyoming and Alaska have primaries next week, and then in two weeks we'll find out whether Arizona Republicans want to beclown themselves with Kelli Ward for the US Senate (Florida and Oklahoma have primaries August 28, too).

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please click here to help us keep you on top of the perpetual geek show. Or hit our tip jar below!

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc