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Proponent Of Surveillance State Prominently Featured On Maryland Ballot

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Your Comics Curmudgeon just returned from standing in a mildly long line in the moderately cold weather, to vote, so he is basically history's greatest hero for democracy. Though ultimately another vote for Barry Soetero was saved onto an inscrutable smartcard that will presumably be thrown directly in the garbage, a last-minute once-over of the ballot revealed another candidate deserving of our attention, despite the oppressive liberal media blackout. Can you really afford to not vote for someone who is all-knowing and also brings you presents annually? Find out the shocking truth, after the jump!

No, you shouldn't feel bad for not voting for Santa Claus. Instead, you should feel bad for not voting for Green Party candidate Jill Stein, who Santa Claus endorsed when he pulled out of the race last week. Santa Claus also has a banner ad on his site for the Run-DMC reunion tour that hit Austin last weekend, so he seems like a pretty cool guy, albeit one who doesn't keep his website up to date.

Despite Mr. Claus's claim to live in Nevada, we would like to see a birth certificate from him, and also one from presidential candidate Hello Kitty.

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Guess who's going on a field trip to Mother Russia next week? Which patriotic Americans will be celebrating Independence Day in Moscow with the traditional blinis and summer borscht? Whose PR team is about to have a really, really bad day?

Nice try, but it's not President Trump -- he's got his annual Moscow performance review later in July. (And anyway, his PR team is permanently located in the ninth circle of hell.) No, it's Senators John Kennedy (R-LA), Richard Shelby (R-AL), and John Hoeven (R-ND), who will be showing their love of the United States by decamping to Russia in the midst of an undeclared cyberwar. We shit you not!

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