If there is anything a good political movement needs, it is a soundtrack. From Woody Guthrie to Stevie Wonder to Bikini Kill ... hell, even the Nazis had Wagner. It's only natural that the idiots who believe in all that QAnon shit would try to create some rockin' anthems that can be played in the background of future movies about their valiant quest to interpret a bunch of messages dumped by some LARPer on 4chan, like how they play Creedence Clearwater Revival in the background of every movie about Vietnam.

Alas, none have had their big break yet. Either because the music industry is a part of the whole conspiracy, or because they lack musical talent. One of the two. But that hasn't stopped them from at least trying. In fact, there are a whole bunch of QAnon songs on the YouTube. Let's take a look!

1. QAnon -- Ziplok

Can this person rap? Doesn't seem like it! But I have to admit, the "QAnon Do Your Research" hook is a little catchy, which slightly makes up for the total lack of rhythm and bad singing, but not enough. I give it a 1/10.

2. The Calm Before The Storm -- Larz Kaos

So this is mostly just the karaoke version of The Doors' "Riders on the Storm" but with that English accent robot voice that all the conspiracy geniuses use in their two-hour-long videos to make it seem like they're very fancy British professors doing "spoken word" about QAnon over it ... followed by a cigar-smoking Pepe the Frog watching YouTube videos of QAnon patriots do their thing.

Points for meta...ness? I give it a 3/10.

3. QAnon Anthem -- Sway Guevera

This one was particularly hard to listen to, on account of all the 1980s videogame beeping going on in the background. Still, this Sway Guevera has a better sense of rhythm than Ziplok up there, and also a cooler name, so 2/10.

4. Q Anon Phenomenon -- Sage Wanderer

Our first face! And our first musical instrument! Way to go, Sage Wanderer. I am particularly fond of the line "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, are causing secret info wars, Godfather III is hiding sacred cluuuuuuueeees." Which, to be fair, would do a lot to explain the existence of Godfather III. I give it a solid 9/10, mostly because it reminded me that I should totally ditch a few of my ukuleles, buy a banjo and get my Emily Saliers on. Can't wait to check out his other work!

5. QAnon Song -- Ordo Novo

Oh hey, another robot voice song, except this one appears to be done over some kind of Casio keyboard samba tune? Best line -- "There are no coincidences, not on planet earth. When the future proves the past, with a preview of the purge." I mean, I have no idea what that means, but they get half a point for trying to rhyme earth and purge. 1.5/10

6. QAnon The Ballad -- DocRock1007

Another patriot who's not afraid to show his face, or his voice, even though he doesn't seem to have much rhythm and keeps tripping over his words and does not appear to be very good at playing the guitar for a man who considers himself a doctor of rock. Clever words, too, like "When the breadcrumbs fall, where we go one we go all." 7/10

7. WWG1WGA Chant -- War Drummer

Honestly, this is the only one I could not listen to all the way through. I don't even know what kind of musical category it belongs in. It's like, metal but also new wave? It's very bad. It may be the worst song ever. -5/10, and that's on a bell curve, just for songs about QAnon, on YouTube. It says a lot about these people though that with 28,000 views, this one actually has more views than any other of the QAnon songs I've looked at today.

8. MAGA Oddity -- Yung Pugg

So ... for this one, someone who cannot sing sang "Space Oddity" by David Bowie, but with lyrics about Donald Trump and QAnon. That's ... something, I guess. I like the sparkly space pictures of Alex Jones with Trump's face flying in the background though, so 4/10.

9. Do You Know Q? -- Dane Lee

Well. Um. This shirt-free (naked? He could be naked, we don't know) guy can actually play the instrument that he is holding, so ALL THE POINTS. He also has a jaunty hat.

What's better though is his 40-second rant about fast food restaurants asking for his name, which could very well be just another way the deep state is trying to thwart the bakers. Seriously, it is my new favorite thing ever right now. It escalates quickly. This man fascinates me. So 9/10

10. Search the Word "Q" -- The Hiplomats, with philosophic "rock poet," L.A. Cowboy

Oh WOW. This is really something. It's also weirdly well-produced, comparatively, and includes a fancy 1980s-style sax solo. I actually don't even hate it, apart from the words in the song being incredibly ridiculous, although at this point it is totally possible that my ears are just dead. According to a tweet from this L.A. Cowboy fella, also known as J. Frederick Millea,

An anonymous group of L.A.'s FINEST musicians, the Hiplomats, fed up with Hollyweird & the vile entertainment industry perform new rock anthem for the Great Awakening, to rally faithful & red pill the rest. We made noise-BOOM!

Sadly for him, and the fact that he appears to tweet out links to the video every few hours, it still only has like 2.5K views. Poor L.A. Cowboy. It sure isn't easy being a conspiracy theorist rock poet these days. 10/10, friends, 10/10.

Which one is YOUR favorite? Let us know in the comments.


If you don't totally hate my guts after exposing you to all this musical horror, please drop some cash in the Wonkette tip jar.

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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