John Kelly Available To Besmirch You In Racist, Sexist Manner At Your Next Event!


Politico reports that acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney is set to become as permanent as anything gets in the rotating carousel bar that's the Trump administration.

"He has stayed out of a lot of people's way," said one senior administration official. "No one is saying he is killing it but staying out of people's way has helped."

Such high praise reminds us of previous chief of staff John Kelly, who wasn't very good at staying out of people's way. Kelly is famously choosy about his breakfasts but supportive of wife beaters in the White House. He fired Omarosa but was too stupid to notice she was dressed head to toe in recording devices. Jared and Ivanka eventually forced him out, and a grateful nation thanked him for his disservice.

Now Kelly is embarking on a new career in public speaking. That's an odd choice for someone who always looks constipated, but regardless you can pick up a gently used Kelly at Worldwide Speakers Group. His arrogant bluster is graded at "near-mint" condition, but his dignity is just "poor to good."

Kelly's profile on the site lists his hang-ups and turn-ons: For the right price, he'll tell you the difference between "governance" and "politics." He'll also pontificate on "geopolitics" and "leadership." He includes only one video of himself actually speaking publicly. That's as disappointing as an online dating profile that just has one bad photo -- from 15 years ago. Donald Trump's 2020 campaign manager, Brad Pascale, manages to have at least three samples of the quality speechifying you can expect for up to $25,000.

The featured speech on Kelly's page is his slime-time address from October 19, 2017, the sole point of which was to defend Trump. This usually involves lying, and there was plenty to spare. Trump was callous and gross to a gold star widow, but the former general decided to blame Florida House Rep. Frederica Wilson for everything. He laments in his speech that women are no longer "sacred" while crudely slandering Wilson, who is a woman. He claimed that Wilson, whom he called an"empty barrel," bragged about securing federal funds to build an FBI field office in South Florida. She did no such thing, as a video that later surfaced proved. He still refused to apologize to the congresswoman because he's consistently a jerk to women. This demonstrated the same unwillingness to "compromise" that Kelly stupidly claimed was the primary cause of the Civil War.

You can book Kelly for your next conference or kid's birthday party direct from Worldwide Speakers Group. Unfortunately, the site doesn't accept gmail addresses or spare change so we weren't able to move forward. But if you act now and your check is large enough, Kelly might even come clean at last about possibly allegedly writing that anonymous op-ed. You know the one that was supposed to reassure us that "senior White House officials" were the ones actually ruining the country while Trump pranced around naked and asked everyone what they thought of his pretty new clothes.

After Kelly was tossed from the speeding Trump train, Sunny Hostin let him have it on The View because of his treatment of Wilson and support of Trump's family separation policy. Megs McCabe got cranky because Kelly is a veteran who has lost a son in a war and that apparently makes him immune forever to criticism. We disagree. We grant that Kelly is a man who has at some occasions behaved honorably, but that doesn't make him an honorable man.

[Politico / The Week]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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