​Quid Pro Qu-OOOOLY SH*T! Let's Read Some State Department Texts About Trump's Ukraine Crimes!

On Thursday, recently quit-fired special envoy to Ukraine Kurt Volker testified before three committees of the House of Representatives for NINE AND A HALF HOURS. That is almost a full "Hillary"! (But nowhere near a "Scaramucci.") Point is, it's a long time, and oh boy, it sounds like some shit went down!

Early in the hearing, Ohio GOP Rep. Jim Jordan came out to say Kurt Volker was awesome, and the Democrats were just real disappointed and screwed on impeachment now, WOMP WOMP. Jim Jordan is full of shit.

Somewhere around that time, someone we're going to call Probably Devin Nunes leaked some text messages to Fox News that Volker shared during the hearing, of Volker conversing with State Department figures involved in negotiations on Ukraine. What's funny is that in the leaked texts, there was literally ONE that might make Trump look better, but it was so sycophantic it was comical. (Probably Devin Nunes is pretty stupid.) The text in question was sex-pecially funny because it came from Gordon Sondland, the dumbass Trump ambassador to the European Union, who only got his job because he gave a million bucks to the Trump inaugural. Sondland was sexting with Chargé d'Affaires of the US Embassy in Ukraine Bill Taylor.

Read this exchange and tell us Sondland was not speaking LOUDLY AND CLEARLY INTO THE MICROPHONE so that Big Treason in the White House could hear:

"As I said on the phone, I think it's crazy to withhold security assistance for help with a political campaign," Taylor said in a text exchange.


Sondland responded by saying that was not what was happening. "Bill, I believe you are incorrect about President Trump's intentions. The President has been crystal clear: no quid pro quo's of any kind. The President is trying to evaluate whether Ukraine is truly going to adopt the transparency and reforms that President Zelensky promised during his campaign."

Bill? Bill! President Trump is CRIME-FREE and has DELICIOUS ASS SKIN! I know because I'm Gordon Sondland, who gave a million dollars to Trump's inaugural, and my swag bag came with a bumper sticker that said "NO CRIMES, NOW TASTE DONALD TRUMP'S DELICIOUS ASS SKIN!"

Trump cited that text from Sondland on the White House lawn this morning -- and just that text -- because he was really happy that Sondland said into the microphone very clearly, "NO QUID PRO QUO! NO QUID PRO QUO! YOU'RE THE QUID PRO QUO!" Trump added, "WITH BIDEN THERE WOULD BE!" because Trump is a very Stable Genius-type person who remains super concerned about corruption (when being concerned about corruption benefits his 2020 re-elect and stuff).

So late last night, House Intel Committee chair Adam Schiff decided to just release a big tranche of the texts, in chronological order, so people could read them all by their selves.

What we see is State Department officials, buttsucking Trump political appointees, a top adviser to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy, and FOR SOME FUCKING REASON RUDY GIULIANI going back and forth about how to get Zelenskiy to swear on the Bible he will investigate Biden and also Trump 'n' Giuliani's fever dream conspiracy theories about what reallyhappened in the 2016 election, so that Ukraine may exonerate Russia and find ... Ukraine ... guilty of the election meddling. You know, to help Hillary Clinton.

Despite how the presence or non-presence of a quid pro quo is technically a side issue to the fact that Trump is OPENLY ASKING FOREIGN COUNTRIES TO MEDDLE IN THE 2020 ELECTION TO HELP HIM, we can report that hoooooooly shit we think we found the quid pro quo! You know, because it's S-P-E-L-L-E-D O-U-T V-E-R-Y C-L-E-A-R-L-Y.

Shall we go forth and sext together? We shall.

Before Trump's July 25 Treason Call

July 19: Kurt Volker group sexts Sondland and Bill Taylor to set up a call in advance of Trump's call with Zelenskiy. Volker had had brekky with Rudy Giuliani that morning and was setting him up to talk to Andrey Yermak, a top-level adviser to Zelenskiy. Volker says the "most important" thing is for Zelenskiy to tell Trump yes, he will "help investigation" and "address any specific personnel issues" in the Ukrainian government.

July 21: Bill Taylor pops in to say HELLO, Ukraine is worried about being perceived as meddling in America's politics, or in Trump's re-election. Wonder why they were already worried about that COUGH GIULIANI COUGH.

July 25, just before Trump's phone call: Kurt Volker texts Yermak, Zelenskiy's assistant, to say HEY I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY, but as long as Zelenskiy promises to do investigations for Trump on the telephone, he will get to come to the White House! Have you met my friend Quid Pro Quo? You're going to be seeing a lot of him in the near future!

Again, this happened July 25, in the morning, before Trump's traitor call happened.

After Trump's July 25 Treason Call

There's been news breaking about how these American diplomats, and also the Ukrainians, were working on coming up with a big statement for Zelenskiy to make that said "SIR YES SIR MISTER TRUMP, WE WILL DO THE INVESTIGATIONS AND ROOT OUT THE CORRUPTION YOU BETCHA THANKS!" Of course, we can say with 100 percent accuracy, based on the limited transcript of the July 25 phone call, that by this point, Ukraine was well aware that when Trump says "corruption," he means "investigate Biden and also make up fake stories about NO RUSSIA! NO RUSSIA! UKRAINE IS THE REAL RUSSIA!"

According to Volker's opening statement to Congress, which has just been released, and according to the text messages Schiff released, Volker didn't really get a real readout of what happened on that conversation, either from the Ukrainians or from the Russians White House, and he says he didn't know at that point that "corruption" and "investigations" meant what it actually means.

But was he really that unaware? You decide.

August 9: Little chit-chat between Volker and Sondland about how they're super-sexcited to get a date on the calendar for a Zelenskiy White House visit. The White House is ready to put it on the calendar "as soon as Yermak confirms." What they need him to "confirm" is that Zelenskiy will make a statement promising to do favors for Trump. Again, remember that Trump outlined what he meant by "favor" two weeks before, on the phone with Zelenskiy.

Volker then asks Sondland how they finally convinced Trump to agree to the visit, and Sondland says, "Not sure I did. I think POTUS really wants the deliverable." (The "deliverable" is the "I will investigate Biden and the conspiracy theories in Trump's butt" statement.) Volker appears to ask Sondland whether Zelenskiy actually knows that, and Sondland says yes. At the end of the exchange, Sondland says "to avoid misunderstandings," they should get a draft of what the Ukrainians are working on, you know, to make sure it has all the right favors for Trump in it.

Quiiiiiiiiiid prooooooo quoooooooooooo!

Also August 9: Volker and Sondland are just reaching out to Rudy Giuliani, totally normal, to get his input on the statement Zelenskiy will make promising to do "favors" for Trump. Note how Volker talks to Giuliani as if Giuliani is either a toddler or a crazy person. "Hi Mr Mayor!"


Anyway, the point is that Rudy Giuliani, conducting his own shadow foreign policy, was involved in advising the president of Ukraine what he should say in his statement, to make sure Big Treason was happy and would invite him to the White House.

Also remember that Trump was at this time holding up aid for Ukraine already appropriated by Congress, so that he could extort Ukraine for political reasons. But we don't think Ukraine knew that yet. (Keep reading!)

August 10: The Ukrainian adviser Yermak tells Volker yes, they can "mention all these things" in Zelenskiy's statement on "corruption." Really wants a real date on the calendar for White House visit first. Volker wants statement, THEN date.

But wait look here! As the exchange continues, Yermak says once they have a "date," they'll do a press briefing, and commit to investigating "among other things Burisma and election meddling in investigations."

Class, what is "Burisma"? Do you remember? DING DING, it is the Ukrainian company Hunter Biden was on the board of that Trump wants investigated! And what is "election meddling"? DING DING, it is the conspiracy theory of Trump and Giuliani wherein UKRAINE did the election meddling for HILLARY, not RUSSIA for TRUMP.

Regardless of whether or not Volker is full of shit when he says he didn't realize what they were really talking about, Ukraine knew, because again, Zelenskiy and Trump had talked two weeks prior.


August 13: Volker and Sondland continue to discuss the Ukrainian statement, including specific talking points that need to be included about "the problem of interference in the political processes of the United States." Volker declares that he wants Ukraine to commit to investigating everything, including "Burisma and the 2016 US elections," in order to "prevent the recurrence of this problem in the future." You know, the "problem" Trump and Giuliani made up, in their butts!

Sondland thinks this is GREAT.

August 17: More between Volker and Sondland, confirming that they definitely want Zelenskiy to mention "Burisma" and "2016" in his statement.

August 28: Yermak the Ukrainian sees a thing in the Politico about how Trump is holding up the Ukrainian aid approved by Congress, which Ukraine needs to fight off Russia. (Have we talked about how actual Ukrainians are dying in this war? Like, lots of them? This is REAL LIFE for them.) Yermak texts Kurt Volker like "THE FUCK?"

August 30: Trump cancels trip to Poland to meet Zelenskiy for strategic sheep purposes because those dicks weren't gonna draw themselves on those hurricane maps. Bill Taylor -- remember him from above? he was the one who was like "are we really doing quid pro quos for White House visits and military aid in exchange for political hitjob investigations?" -- announces this to Volker, who responds by hoping Mike Pence (who knew NOTHING) can really "tee up" Zelenskiy's visit to the White House. (We do not think Mike Pence knew nothing.)

September 1: Bill Taylor seems like he's getting kinda worried about all the traitor treason going on here, so he texts Gordon Sondland like "?????!!!!!THEFUCK???!!!"

Or more specifically, he texts Sondland, "Are we now saying that security assistance and WH meeting are conditioned on investigations?"

Sondland texts back, "Call me." Uh huh. Better not have a text record of this one!

You see, when Sondland has something to say that will make him look good if it's ever released (like now) he says it outright. But it looks like when he's gonna say something BAD, he likes to STFU and say "call me." This is not the only time this happens in these texts.

Don't know if burner phones are involved.

September 8: Bill Taylor is really worried that the Ukrainians are going to give the damn statement, and that Trump will somehow magically fail to release the Ukrainians' military aid. Says if that happens, he's quitting this godforsaken job.

September 9: And finally we get to the exchange that Probably Devin Nunes leaked to Fox News! Allow Wonkette to Schiff Up this conversation between Bill Taylor and Gordon Sondland with treason paraphrases:

TAYLOR: Dude, this is fucked up that we are hiding their military assistance in order to extort them to investigate "corruption." As I said when we were speaking on the telephone, "I think it's crazy to withhold security assistance for help with a political campaign." When I said that on the telephone you did not say, "Bill, you ignorant slut! That is OBVIOUSLY not what we are doing," so it is not crazy for me to text it to you right now. Real talk.

SONDLAND, FULLY FIVE FUCKING HOURS LATER: Donald Trump does not do crime and has delicious ass skin! Bill, I would like to say some things directly into the microphone about how our president wants NO QUID PRO QUOS! That way, the president can say "Look! Gordon the Very Good Guy said NO QUID PRO QUOS!" Let's not talk on text anymore.

Holy fuck.

And there ya are! Them's the texts!

By the way, the Wall Street Journaljust published an article that suggests Gordon Sondland knew exactly what they were doing with quid pro quos, as he reportedly told GOP Senator Ron Johnson there was a total quid pro quo happening with the military aid. Don't worry, though, Ron Johnson's not mad because Trump told him NO QUID PRO QUO, and Trump would never lie.

The Fall-Out, So Far

Gordon Sondland is going to voluntarily testify for Congress next week, so we assume he is resigning at some point in the near future. Sure, he could go to Congress and just plead the Fifth, but these fuckers know they're caught.

Meanwhile, Republicans on the House Oversight Committee are having a CONNIPTION on Twitter today, because of how Adam Schiff did another paraphrase with these verbatim texts, which are "cherry-picked," and you know what, we quit:

As to the first tweet, sure, bring the full transcript, we want to see it. As to the second, well no SHIT, you guys, we know Gordon Sondland is the one who lives inside Trump's ass. We have already discussed how that particular text message is obviously and on-its-face LOL and ridiculous.

But sure, whatever gets your dicks hard until your entire house comes crumbling down, Republicans.

[Fox News / BuzzFeed]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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