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Were we not JUST SAYING that all these companies that deposited one million ameros in Michael Cohen's sexxx fund for paying off the participants in Donald Trump's extracurricular sexxxes need to STFU OMG YOU LOOK LIKE IDIOTS? We were


https://wonkette.com/633707/everybody-who-maybe-bribed-michael-cohen-needs-to-stop-fucking-talking-right-now

But maybe we should let them talk more, because the parade of excuses coming out of all these companies just gets better and better and better.

Rachel Maddow had an enjoyable segment Wednesday night on the ever-changing excuses from AT&T, Novartis, Korea Aerospace Industries LTD, and all the other companies that for whatever reasons we cannot possibly imagine were paying world's worst lawyer Michael Cohen for his enormous variety of skills and talents, like lawyering and consulting and wedding planning and timeshares and Amway and Pilates coaching and cat grooming.

Here, have TV time:

As Maddow 'splains, when we last left the story, the Korean airplane company had said it paid Cohen for his expertise in "inform[ing] reorganization" of its "internal accounting system," because that's SO his thing, which he has much expertise in ("expertise" being "running giant slush funds with no accounting at all"). Turns out the payment to Cohen strangely came just as the company was clearing the rubble from a MASSIVE corruption scandal that ended up with one Korean airplane exec being arrested and another killing himself. Originally, the company said it didn't even know Cohen's "company," Essential Consultants LLC, was in any way related to Donald Trump. Weird, right? Maybe it was on Yelp!

OH BUT NOW! Korea Aerospace Industries LTD, which is up for a Defense Department contract right this minute (oh by the way), tells CNN it went to Cohen for LEGAL ADVICE (is Cohen running personal injury law commercials on the peninsula?), and even better, says it didn't even do the deal with Cohen, who as far as we can tell is the Hair Club President and also a client for Essential Consultants LLC, and also the janitor and the dump truck driver and all the other things, because IT'S NOT A REAL FUCKING COMPANY, IT IS A PORN BOOBIES SHELL COMPANY FOR PRESIDENTIAL HUSH MONEY INVOLVING PORN BOOBIES, JESUS CHRIST.

So, um, who you do the deal with, Mr. Korea Airplane Guys?

What about AT&T, which paid Michael Cohen $200,000, according to Michael Avenatti's dossier? Well, it has updated its statement too, to admit that ACTUALLY it paid Cohen 600,000 FUCKING DOLLARS. AT&T says it was not for access to Trump, but rather for "an understanding of the inner workings of Trump, his thought process, how he likes to operate, how he likes to make decisions, how he processes information," which is really funny because the rest of the world gets that for ZERO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS on Twitter. But in case AT&T still needs some consulting on that, Trump's "inner workings" are flawed, his thought process is stupid, erratic and distracted by squirrels, he makes decisions by doing whatever Fox News says, and he doesn't actually process information, because he has a bad brain. GIVE US $600,000 PLEASE, AT&T!

But wait, there was more!

AT&T told employees Wednesday in a memo that it had hired Cohen as one of several consultants to "help us understand how the President and his administration might approach a wide range of policy issues important to the company, including regulatory reform at the FCC, corporate tax reform and antitrust enforcement."

Yep, that just all sounds like Michael Cohen's wheelhouse right there.

For the record, special counsel Robert Mueller has come-a-knockin' at AT&T's door, and not to bitch at them about his perpetually slow wireless speeds.

And then there is pharma giant Novartis! We noted yesterday that Mueller has also been up Novartis's pharmaceutical ass, and that the company originally said its old CEO was doing contracts with Michael Cohen, but not its new one, so BUZZ OFF, MOTHERFUCKERS! But then it said it came to Michael Cohen for HEALTHCARE CONSULTING, because apparently Cohen does that for a living too, during breaks when he's not doing taxi medallions and porn payoffs and having attorney-client Tickle Time with Sean Hannity and saying "SAYS WHO!" to random people on the sidewalk.

AND THEN Novartis changed its mind and said it paid Michael Cohen $1.2 million for doing NOTHING, which, come to think of it, he is probably pretty good at. AND THEN Novartis admitted that maybe it had made a wee oopsie in hiring Cohen, and OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON HERE?

Maddow closed by noting that besides being known for pharmaceuticals, Novartis is also known for BRIBE SCANDALS.

By the way, this is a good time to note that Robert Mueller got up in AT&T and Novartis's collective business way back in November, which was MONTHS ago, but yet we are just finding out now! As noted News Analyst Chris Cillizza points out on Twitter, this means Robert Mueller knows more than we know about what Robert Mueller is doing at any given time. Thank you, Chris Cillizza, as always.

All the major papers have stories today about how Michael Cohen has bragged his dumb ass off about how he's just been "crushing it," convincing companies to give him moneys in exchange for access and influence with Trump.

But apparently the spigot has run dry, according to WaPo:

Now, a year after he signed up many of his clients, the contracts are mostly gone.

“This has destroyed him,” said one of Cohen’s closest friends, bemoaning the behavior of those who once courted but have now abandoned Cohen. “The whole thing is so horrible.”

Hahahaha, sucks for you, you stupid crybaby loser, why don't you go cry about it in prison while you wonder why the guy you call MIS-TURR TWUMP won't come and save you now?

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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