Racism Is Just As Imaginary As Climate Change! Your Florida Roundup
It's time for your weekly Florida news, is everybody ready? Let's do this!

Let This Nice White Man Teach Y'all How To Be Black

David Morgan, the sheriff of Escambia County — an illiterate hickberg on the westernmost edge of the Panhandle that should really be part of Alabama, but we keep it because Alabama doesn’t want it either — is a white man who has some Very Deep Thoughts™ about racism and why it does not exist. You see, some white people voted for Barack Obama, so QED motherfucker! Also, The Blacks should not call themselves African-Americans, because Morgan does not call himself a Welsh-American, why can’t you be more like him?

Just check out the video. And then, if you’re not nauseated enough, head on over to Breitbart Jr. Ben Shapiro’s Factory for Mental Midgets Who Are Definitely Not Racist, where we learn that David Morgan is a Great American Hero:

Escambia County Sheriff David Morgan posted a video message this week expressing his politically incorrect opinions on "black culture." The 30-year law enforcement veteran started by denouncing the term “African-American” as "divisive," before arguing that the embrace of “thug culture” was destroying the community and calling for a renewed focus on teaching "character and integrity." […]

“We have unfortunately in the black community embraced a thug culture, one that aggrandizes, again, foul language, shooting cops, abusing women. And if you don’t think those things have an effect on children, you need to get a grip.” The video then cuts to a clip of Morgan citing a number of attacks by blacks against whites, asking “Where’s the public outrage in that?”

Anyway, you probably wouldn’t have guessed, because he seems like such a nice guy, but David Morgan happens to be the same man who two years ago declared that it was an unarmed black man’s fault when two deputies fired 15 shots at him. Also, too, there was the time that Morgan's deputies "climbed through the window of a private residence, dragging a sleeping couple out of their bed, shooting at their two dogs, one of which later died." This is the man who is lecturing us on creating a kinder, gentler society.

In addition to being a first-rate A-hole, Morgan also has spectacularly bad timing. About the same time he was lecturing The Blacks on how they should be nicer to the whites, the Tampa Bay Times was reporting that in Florida, Riding A Bike While Black is now a thing that could get you arrested.

In the past three years, Tampa police have written 2,504 bike tickets — more than Jacksonville, Miami, St. Petersburg and Orlando combined. Police say they are gung ho about bike safety and focused on stopping a plague of bike thefts.

But here's something they don't mention about the people they ticket: Eight out of 10 are black.

A Tampa Bay Times investigation has found that Tampa police are targeting poor, black neighborhoods with obscure subsections of a Florida statute that outlaws things most people have tried on a bike, like riding with no light or carrying a friend on the handlebars.

Does the Tampa Bay Times not realize that Barack Obama is president and therefore law enforcers could not possibly be racist? They should go consult with David Morgan.

The Tampa cops, of course, say the blacks had it coming:

"This is not a coincidence," said Police Chief Jane Castor. "Many individuals receiving bike citations are involved in criminal activity."

She said her department has done such a good job curbing auto theft that bikes have "become the most common mode of transportation for criminals."

But STRANGELY ENOUGH it seems that most of those black people bike stops didn't find any evidence of criminality, and when they did, it was minor stuff like "a small amount of drugs or a misdemeanor like trespassing." Well done, Tampa!

Department Of What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

OK, this story is a couple months old, and we missed it somehow (we were stoned and Yr Wonkette was not yet paying us to care about America’s Limp Penis), but holy shit how Florida is this?

Orlando is home to some major theme parks, it’s got Disney World, Universal Studios, Epcot, and now you can add to that family-friendly list: Machine Gun America. The trigger happy park will be opening on 20 December so visitors can turn up and shoot off some live ammo using real machine guns and high-powered firearms as opposed to, say, riding Space Mountain. Because, ‘MURICA!

Here’s the website, if you’re getting around to planning that extra-special summer vacation.

You Can’t Get Good Pizza In Florida Anyway

A Florida woman named Gwen Minnis is no longer with us because a cop decided his pizza was more important than her heart attack:

According to friends of the victim, Gwendolyn Minnis, 48, she had recently been released from the hospital after having a heart attack.

Police believe she called 911 to report another heart attack on March 13, with dispatch sending out a call for an officer to respond after the line went dead.

The report states that [sheriff's deputy Yvan] Fernandez was having lunch with three other deputies at Raider’s Pizza and Wings when he first took the call, responding to a second call from dispatch 8 minutes later, telling the dispatcher “copy.”

Fernandez then reportedly went back to eating his lunch before passing off the call to another deputy 30 minutes later.

The cop, who does not work for David Morgan, has been fired.

But You Can Get Ice Cream

Oh hey, here’s a nice-time video of a Florida man who came upon a sleeping convenience store clerk and decided, what the hell, these opportunities only come along once in a lifetime, and besides, it’s fucking hot out there:

OAKLAND PARK, Fla. — Deputies say a thief worked for 15 minutes to drag a cooler full of Good Humor ice cream past a sleeping clerk at an Oakland Park gas station.

The police nabbed the man, which is a good thing, because if he were to eat all of that delicious ice cream and get fat, he might not be allowed into our finer drinking establishments:

The woman, who wishes to conceal her identity, says it was her first time visiting Jim's Place in Arlington.

She tells Action News that she got through security, but was stopped by the owner who wanted to know if she was pregnant.

“I didn't get offended until he pulled me back and said ‘Well are you sure?’ and I'm like ‘I'm sure I'm not pregnant’. I would know if I was pregnant and he pointed to the sign that evidently said ‘No Pregnant Women Allowed,’” the woman said.

Accusations quickly turned to outright insults.

“I stormed out in tears and my friend was like ‘What's going on? Are you serious? She's not pregnant.’ And he said, ‘Well that's fine, get your fat a** out too,’” the woman said.

Fine, Here Are Some Politics

We are not going to spend too much time on the Capitol, because that makes us want to slit our wrists. But we feel duly obligated to note that the all-Republican legislature is just a total fucking shitshow, that makes John Boehner’s clown parade seem like the paragon of sanity and clear-headed decision-making:

Republicans in the Florida Legislature have met the enemy, and it is them.

They can't agree on using federal money for people with no health care and as a result, budget negotiations are in disarray in a year with a $1 billion surplus. Unable to resolve their differences after months of refusing to compromise, Republican lawmakers will end the regular session next Friday without completing the one task they are required to do: passing a state budget.

One thing! You were supposed to do one thing!

We Are Smitten

Journey back with us to Wednesday, when Dok told you all about our New Favorite Floridian, Tamah Jada Clark, who is not having any of your shit, "Your Honor":

Meet Tamah Jada Clark, a “Floridian-American” sovereign citizen who brought a whole new meaning to “swearing before the court” when she recently filed an obscenity-filled court document titled “Notice: To F*ck This Court and Everything that it Stands For” after a judge dismissed a lawsuit that she’d filed. Clark had claimed that her civil rights were violated five years ago when she was arrested in a failed attempt to break her boyfriend out of prison.

Clark’s April 20 rant is a masterpiece of Sovereign Citizen logic, explaining to U.S. District Court Judge Willis B. Hunt that she didn’t believe for one minute he even has the power to dismiss her case.

Like all Floridian-Americans, Clark is a very quick study, highly regarded by spooks and G-men alike. She says so herself:

Look here, old man, when I told you I AM Justice — I meant it. It took me about 1 month to study the history of the world and to learn the history and inner workings American jurisprudence, literally. I was born to do this here. Don’t you know that your FBI and CIA have been trying to recruit me since grade school? Lol. But they’re unscrupulous losers like you, so it won’t be happening.

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And Finally, Fun Times With Barack Obama Fuckin’ With Voldermort

ICYMI: Barry Bams-Bams, who is not a real president, celebrated Earth Day, which is not a real holiday, by coming to the Everglades and trolling Rick Scott about climate change, which is not actually happening. He said "climate change" a bunch of times!

[O]n Earth Day, I’m going to visit the Florida Everglades to talk about the way that climate change threatens our economy. The Everglades is one of the most special places in our country. But it’s also one of the most fragile. Rising sea levels are putting a national treasure – and an economic engine for the South Florida tourism industry – at risk.

And when Obama got there, he said that "climate change can no longer be denied. It can't be edited out. It can't be omitted from the conversation. And action can no longer be delayed." This is the trolling part, which is clearly a direct response to Florida's policy of, um, not really talking about it.

Rick Scott, who is Not A Scientist, did not show up. Shocking!

Well, that’s all your news for this week, Florida! Keep burying your head in the sand, until the sand is washed away.

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