Rahm Emanuel To Stop Terrorizing Chicago With His Potty Mouth, Nubs!


Earlier this morning people in Chicago suddenly stopped hosing the blood out from their asbestos-filled apartments and began wildly shooting their Indiana-bought firearms in celebration. It wasn't because we'd finally burned down Trump Tower, legalized weed, or invented a new meat sandwich, no! All of a sudden Rahm Emanuel announced he wouldn't seek a third term as mayor.

With Chicago's resident ballet-dancing vulgarian finally fucking off, many in the city wondered why. Could it be be because violence has skyrocketed under his leadership? Is it because the city is broke? Did someone raid Rahm's slush fund? Does he need to get another massive loan to fund basic city services? Maybe it's because he might be implicated in the 2014 police shooting and cover up of 17-year-old Laquan McDonald at the hands of Officer Jason Van Dyke. Hell, maybe Rahm just decided #HesRunning in 2020, like everyone else.

As a former Richard Daley goon, Rahm got his first big break in politics as a staffer in the Clinton White House. He then became a congressman and terrorized DC by cussing people out, flipping them off with his severed middle finger, and even sending dead fish to political opponents. Upon hearing that Rahm wouldn't seek a third term, both the Clintons and Obamas wished him well in his next criminal enterprise.

The 2019 Chicago mayoral race is already a who's-who of city and state politicos. We're 12 candidates deep, but in the wake of Emanuel's announcement people have been dropping more names than Robert Mueller indictments. There's rumors spreading that former Obama Education Secretary Arne Duncan may jump in, as well as Valerie "I thought the bitch was white!" Jarrett. It's still early, so anyone who wants to run for mayor in Chicago has until November to file the necessary paperwork and bribes fees.

[Chicago Sun-Times / Block Club Chicago]

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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