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Rand Paul is getting his douchebro on today! And every day, of course. But Kentucky's "Maverick" Libertarian must have eaten an extra bowl of Wheaties this morning, because he is bringing his "A" GAME. Guess it's true that some kids just need a little positive encouragement to be all that they can be!

Last week Senator No Pants tried out for a spot on the President's Derp Squad. Would he make the cut????



Swing for the fences, buddy!

The entire intelligence establishment was shrieking in horror at the summer's blockbuster flop, Finland Fuckery: The Putin Grabbin'. But Senator Paul's style is more let bygones be bygones. That's why he was one of only two votes against additional Russian sanctions last year after they ratfucked our elections. (The other senator's name rhymes with Journey Flanders.)

Does the president need need someone to run interference on the Russia investigation? Put me in coach, I'm ready to play, TODAY.

Look at you, Rand! You really can be center field! All you have to do is pretend that the former CIA Director is revealing state secrets when he calls Donald Trump a treasonous weasel.

Here on Planet Earth, Trump tweets out his treason several times a day -- it's hardly classified intel.

Does Rand Paul want to specify what super seekrits he thinks the former CIA Director leaked to the "mainstream media"? HE DOES NOT. That would spoil the fun!

Instead he is having a very serious meeting with Donald Trump to encourage him to ceremonially strip Brennan of his security clearance because REASONS. Brennan's been out of government since January 2017, and presumably no one in the Trump administration has been sharing classified data with him since then. But pulling his clearance while baselessly using the "mainstream media" to slander him as a leaker might hurt Brennan's credibility when he goes on television and calls the president a dirty traitor. So looks like Rand Paul is about to be the real MVP on the Team Treason.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

And speaking of shameless whoring ... look at that little pissant claiming he has serious concerns about the fascist carpooler's nomination to the Supreme Court.

At this point, I'm undecided. But I try to weigh this in the perspective of, this could be a Trump nominee versus a Clinton nominee. So I am somewhat persuaded to have an open mind because this is President Trump, who did such a great job with Justice Gorsuch. I am worried, though, and perhaps disappointed that I think Kavanaugh will cancel out Gorsuch's vote on the 4th Amendment.

Rand Paul is taking a principled stand -- he will vote against all Clinton SCOTUS nominees! And he will furrow his brow and pretend to think hard about voting against his own party's SCOTUS nominee, too. See Rand Paul is committed to pretending that Justice Gorsuch would vote to stop the government from bulk data collection on 4th Amendment grounds. So committed that he's even pretending he'd sink Kavanaugh's nomination to protect American citizens from government intrusion.

Literally no one believes that Rand Paul will vote against Kavanaugh if his party needs him. At the risk of taking this sports metaphor too far, Rand Paul flops worse than Chris Bosh.

Simmer down, Rand. It's only Monday!

UPDATE: Sarah Sanders just announced from the White House podium that Trump is considering revoking security clearance from James Comey, James Clapper, Michael Hayden, Susan Rice, and Andrew McCabe. Because obviously the former heads of the FBI, Director of National Intelligence, NSA, National Security Advisor, and FBI acting Director are all lying leakers. That's why they spent their entire careers in intelligence. Right.

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[Bloomberg]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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There could still be a partial shutdown of the government starting Saturday if Congress doesn't pass a budget bill in time, but at least Donald Trump has caved, yet again, on what last week he insisted was absolutely completely necessary to keep the government open. You might remember it -- dude said he'd be PROUD to shut down the government and take credit for it if he didn't get $5 billion to build the thing. Today, he's more like MEH, what wall, he can fund it some other way, maybe, honestly, who cares, it's time for golf, isn't it? Whatever his thinking, Trump has dropped the wall-funding ultimatum, though there's still no budget deal, because congressional Democrats aren't about to take Mitch McConnell's crappy alternative offer, either.

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December 18. One week before Christmas. In a normal and just and sane world, the news cycle would be dying and we'd be decking the halls and trying to find dumb things to write about just to make YOU DINGBATS happy. (Christmas week in 2015 we wrote about an idiot rightwing Christian extremist named Bryan Fischer, who thinks dinosaurs in the Bible were really just VERY OLD GRANDMA BIBLE LIZARDS.) But alas, Barack Obama is no longer president, so the shitshow continues.

Donald Trump is, of course, about to head off on vacation, from his ... paid vacation in Washington. Basically he's just transferring his voluminous ass to a different gold-plated toilet so he can do his Twitter-shits in a sunnier climate. Regardless, Gabe Sherman reports that the White House is on edge, because OH SHIT, PRESIDENT TINKLE SMELLS WILL BE WITHOUT AN ADULT CHAPERONE FOR TWO WEEKS, THIS IS VERY, VERY BAD.

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