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We all recall the fateful day when Rand Paul, Lion of Libertarianism, met his angry neighbor and lost the "Battle of the Bushes," which resulted in several broken ribs and other injuries. Many of us spent at least several hours pondering the important universal question of, "What the fuck is a 'lawn dispute' and how the hell does it result in severe injuries?" And also, "How is it possible that this is the first time Rand Paul has been involved in this type of epic struggle?" On top of that there are those of us who had wished with all of our hearts that we could bear witness to this apparently devastating battle because honestly, nobody likes Rand Paul very much. I, for one, imagined him as a reverse Charles Sumner, where rather than being beaten for championing anti-Slavery sentiment, he was abused for his abhorrent distaste for the Civil Rights Act of 1964. (Not that this is okay!! It's not.) Call me a dreamer…



The Backstory:

Recently, new details have emerged to prove once and for all who is an asshole, and surprise, it is Rand Paul -- but surprise twist, it is ALSO HIS NEIGHBOR! But mostly Rand Paul.

Oh, does a pile of leaves sound like something you cannot imagine breaking your neighbor's ribs for? What if I told you that not only was Rand Paul addicted to piling leaves up in unsightly massive stinky piles (five feet high and ten feet long), he also piled up sticks like a fricken beaver's dam right on the property line? Not convinced, yet? Well, Dr. Rene Boucher, the man who beat up Rand Paul, wants you to know that this incident did not start in November 2017 when he tackled an oblivious and industrious Senator from his lawn mower and took his anger out on those ribs. No, he says it began months before, in September, when Rand Paul began his nonstop amateur landscaping torment, and it ended with a brutal attack. Which he says was totally not all his fault, he was pushed past his limit.

The Buildup:

From Slate:

In September, Paul piled limbs and trimmings from shrubs in a 5-foot-high and 10-foot-long pile near the property line between them. Boucher, who called the pile "unsightly," after several weeks moved the debris into portable dumpsters and had them taken away.

Ok, ok, that is pretty annoying. I mean, it's a nice neighborhood that I'm pretty sure I'm too black and poor to live in, but I get it. You want to keep it nice.

In October, Paul reconstructed the pile. A few days later, Boucher again had them hauled away. Less than 10 days later, Paul again made another pile of limbs and leaves, again in the same spot. Boucher took his beef to the Rivergreen Homeowner's Association, but it did not help.

Um… Yo, he JUST REMOVED YOUR CRAP, DUDE. What are you, a fucking beaver? Is there a river on his property that needs a dam or something? No, really, is he trying to build something? What a troll.

On Nov. 2, Boucher hit some kind of limit with his patience. He poured gasoline on the pile of debris and set it on fire. The resulting fireball gave him second-degree burns on his arms, neck, and face.

Ok, ok, now this guy is also not quite normal at this point. Hey. You pretty much just set yourself on fire and you are NOT DAENERYS TARGARYEN. What exactly were you trying to do here? Take back your lawn WITH FIRE AND BLOOD?? Sure, Rand Paul is a persistent troll, this is a well known fact, but you can't just set shit on fire and not expect to get burned. Especially since you obviously do not know wtf you are doing when it comes to fire. Wow.

The Breaking Point:

From Bowling Green Daily News:

On Nov. 3, Paul used his lawnmower to blow leaves from his property onto Boucher's yard, according to Baker.

During this process, Rand Paul stepped away from his lawnmower, gathered several branches from an adjacent pile of trash and placed them in the exact location where the last pile had been burned just one day prior," Baker said in the filing. "As Dr. Boucher has stated throughout, he lost his temper and tackled Rand Paul as Paul was carrying branches from another location on his property and placing them on the property line. Immediately after the incident, Paul referred to Boucher as 'crazy.' Boucher told Paul that he wanted this to stop. Paul replied that the police would be visiting Boucher.

Boucher will be sentenced on Friday and has pleaded guilty to assaulting a sitting US Senator. He is requesting probation rather than the 21 months in prison the prosecution has asked for since he is such an awesome guy and also a Christian.

The moral of this story is that nobody in this story comes off as a good person who did what they could to de-escalate the tension. Everybody is a fucking asshole, and also, Rand Paul is a beaver. If I lived in the neighborhood and realized Rand Paul also lived there, I would likely just let him have the entire state to himself. His neighbor should have simply let him build a wall around his entire property out of sticks and leaves so that he never had to look at that sniveling little beaver face ever again. Now he might go to jail. Somehow i don't like this guy any better than I like Rand Paul. Not sad.

Wonderbitch

FollowWonderbitch aka Bravenak aka Bianca DeLaRosa, loves her jobs as Social Media Manager for Wonkette more than Sarah Huckabee Sanders loves lying to America. Bianca also moonlights as a Witch (THE BAD KIND!!) and is a Freelance Goddess of All Things Ever. Be very nice her because she likes to curse people, especially mean people. You can find Bianca on Twitter @bravewriting or email her at bianca@wonkette.com

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Oh good, Jared Kushner decided to pick today to come out from the hidey hole where he back channels with Russians and the Saudi Murder Prince while lustily fingering the security clearance unlawfully procured for him by an unelected president.

That's just super.

It was at the Time 100 event, not because Jared was on the Time 100 this year, but we guess because he was on it in 2017. His profile back then was written by Henry Kissinger, who predicted he would be a "success." We guess this happened during a part of the event called "The Time 100's Biggest Bloopers, OMG" ... oh wait, hold on, Wonkette has just been informed that Time was being serious when it invited Jared.

Our bad.

Say something stupid in reaction to the release of the Mueller Report, J-Kush:

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We swear that John Cornyn is an honest-to-goodness US senator. Yet this is what the Texas Republican (or at least his campaign team) is tweeting while serious people are discussing impeaching the president.

Team Cornyn's tweet quickly found itself a resident of Ratio-ville, where the presiding mayor is Howard Schultz. But why did this crack team of political savants scour Twitter for old-ass tweets from one of the new Mads on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? Is Patton Oswalt running for Senate? He's certainly more fit for office than Donald Trump. No, apparently, the comedian is just a supporter of a Senate candidate. Democrat MJ Hegar just launched her campaign today to unseat Cornyn in 2020, and Team Cornyn's rapid response was to attack someone who once said nice things about her. Seriously, they have no other connection.

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