We all recall the fateful day when Rand Paul, Lion of Libertarianism, met his angry neighbor and lost the "Battle of the Bushes," which resulted in several broken ribs and other injuries. Many of us spent at least several hours pondering the important universal question of, "What the fuck is a 'lawn dispute' and how the hell does it result in severe injuries?" And also, "How is it possible that this is the first time Rand Paul has been involved in this type of epic struggle?" On top of that there are those of us who had wished with all of our hearts that we could bear witness to this apparently devastating battle because honestly, nobody likes Rand Paul very much. I, for one, imagined him as a reverse Charles Sumner, where rather than being beaten for championing anti-Slavery sentiment, he was abused for his abhorrent distaste for the Civil Rights Act of 1964. (Not that this is okay!! It's not.) Call me a dreamer…

The Backstory:

Recently, new details have emerged to prove once and for all who is an asshole, and surprise, it is Rand Paul -- but surprise twist, it is ALSO HIS NEIGHBOR! But mostly Rand Paul.

Oh, does a pile of leaves sound like something you cannot imagine breaking your neighbor's ribs for? What if I told you that not only was Rand Paul addicted to piling leaves up in unsightly massive stinky piles (five feet high and ten feet long), he also piled up sticks like a fricken beaver's dam right on the property line? Not convinced, yet? Well, Dr. Rene Boucher, the man who beat up Rand Paul, wants you to know that this incident did not start in November 2017 when he tackled an oblivious and industrious Senator from his lawn mower and took his anger out on those ribs. No, he says it began months before, in September, when Rand Paul began his nonstop amateur landscaping torment, and it ended with a brutal attack. Which he says was totally not all his fault, he was pushed past his limit.

The Buildup:

From Slate:

In September, Paul piled limbs and trimmings from shrubs in a 5-foot-high and 10-foot-long pile near the property line between them. Boucher, who called the pile "unsightly," after several weeks moved the debris into portable dumpsters and had them taken away.

Ok, ok, that is pretty annoying. I mean, it's a nice neighborhood that I'm pretty sure I'm too black and poor to live in, but I get it. You want to keep it nice.

In October, Paul reconstructed the pile. A few days later, Boucher again had them hauled away. Less than 10 days later, Paul again made another pile of limbs and leaves, again in the same spot. Boucher took his beef to the Rivergreen Homeowner's Association, but it did not help.

Um… Yo, he JUST REMOVED YOUR CRAP, DUDE. What are you, a fucking beaver? Is there a river on his property that needs a dam or something? No, really, is he trying to build something? What a troll.

On Nov. 2, Boucher hit some kind of limit with his patience. He poured gasoline on the pile of debris and set it on fire. The resulting fireball gave him second-degree burns on his arms, neck, and face.

Ok, ok, now this guy is also not quite normal at this point. Hey. You pretty much just set yourself on fire and you are NOT DAENERYS TARGARYEN. What exactly were you trying to do here? Take back your lawn WITH FIRE AND BLOOD?? Sure, Rand Paul is a persistent troll, this is a well known fact, but you can't just set shit on fire and not expect to get burned. Especially since you obviously do not know wtf you are doing when it comes to fire. Wow.

The Breaking Point:

From Bowling Green Daily News:

On Nov. 3, Paul used his lawnmower to blow leaves from his property onto Boucher's yard, according to Baker.

During this process, Rand Paul stepped away from his lawnmower, gathered several branches from an adjacent pile of trash and placed them in the exact location where the last pile had been burned just one day prior," Baker said in the filing. "As Dr. Boucher has stated throughout, he lost his temper and tackled Rand Paul as Paul was carrying branches from another location on his property and placing them on the property line. Immediately after the incident, Paul referred to Boucher as 'crazy.' Boucher told Paul that he wanted this to stop. Paul replied that the police would be visiting Boucher.

Boucher will be sentenced on Friday and has pleaded guilty to assaulting a sitting US Senator. He is requesting probation rather than the 21 months in prison the prosecution has asked for since he is such an awesome guy and also a Christian.

The moral of this story is that nobody in this story comes off as a good person who did what they could to de-escalate the tension. Everybody is a fucking asshole, and also, Rand Paul is a beaver. If I lived in the neighborhood and realized Rand Paul also lived there, I would likely just let him have the entire state to himself. His neighbor should have simply let him build a wall around his entire property out of sticks and leaves so that he never had to look at that sniveling little beaver face ever again. Now he might go to jail. Somehow i don't like this guy any better than I like Rand Paul. Not sad.


Wonderbitch aka Bravenak aka Bianca DeLaRosa, loves her jobs as Social Media Manager for Wonkette more than Sarah Huckabee Sanders loves lying to America. Bianca also moonlights as a Witch (THE BAD KIND!!) and is a Freelance Goddess of All Things Ever. Be very nice her because she likes to curse people, especially mean people.

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There could still be a partial shutdown of the government starting Saturday if Congress doesn't pass a budget bill in time, but at least Donald Trump has caved, yet again, on what last week he insisted was absolutely completely necessary to keep the government open. You might remember it -- dude said he'd be PROUD to shut down the government and take credit for it if he didn't get $5 billion to build the thing. Today, he's more like MEH, what wall, he can fund it some other way, maybe, honestly, who cares, it's time for golf, isn't it? Whatever his thinking, Trump has dropped the wall-funding ultimatum, though there's still no budget deal, because congressional Democrats aren't about to take Mitch McConnell's crappy alternative offer, either.

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December 18. One week before Christmas. In a normal and just and sane world, the news cycle would be dying and we'd be decking the halls and trying to find dumb things to write about just to make YOU DINGBATS happy. (Christmas week in 2015 we wrote about an idiot rightwing Christian extremist named Bryan Fischer, who thinks dinosaurs in the Bible were really just VERY OLD GRANDMA BIBLE LIZARDS.) But alas, Barack Obama is no longer president, so the shitshow continues.

Donald Trump is, of course, about to head off on vacation, from his ... paid vacation in Washington. Basically he's just transferring his voluminous ass to a different gold-plated toilet so he can do his Twitter-shits in a sunnier climate. Regardless, Gabe Sherman reports that the White House is on edge, because OH SHIT, PRESIDENT TINKLE SMELLS WILL BE WITHOUT AN ADULT CHAPERONE FOR TWO WEEKS, THIS IS VERY, VERY BAD.

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