Rand Paul Preparing To Announce Plan To Not Be President

Spoiler alert, again: Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul is not going to be president. He is not even going to be the Republican nominee for president in 2016. Thanks to some special rules in Kentucky that you can only seek one office at a time, it isn't even legal for him to run for president, if he wants to simultaneously try to keep his Senate seat, which he does, because even he knows he is not going to be president.

That doesn't mean he isn't going to make a big show of pretending, though. According to "aides" and "associates" and "people close to him," the Aqua Buddhist is planning to announce his charade on April 7, which, under Federal Election Commission guidelines, would allow him to siphon some or all of the $2.9 million in his Senate campaign account into his presidential campaign account.

It will also give him time to make his pitch to the state's Republican Party that they should throw out all their dumb election rules and schedules because he think he's found a loophole that would allow him to run for Senate and president, even though that's illegal, with some fancy accounting tricks and the party's infamous reputation for mercy.

Mr. Paul is planning to make his case to the Kentucky Republican Party on March 7 that it should hold a presidential caucus instead of selecting its candidate in the primary scheduled for May 2016. The Senate primary would still be held in May, but a presidential caucus would be held earlier, so Mr. Paul technically would not appear twice on the same ballot.

If that doesn't work, the great libertarian self-certified ophthalmologist may decide to sue to have the law overturned, after which he will immediately resume talking about the importance of tort reform, because Republicans hate lawsuits, except for the ones in which they're the plaintiff.

There are many reasons why Rand Paul should not be president -- he's an idiot, an asshole, a plagiarist, and a guy who cannot shut the fuck up about being a "doctor" (dude, you are a freakin' eye doctor, OK?) to justify his medical opinion that Hillary Clinton is too old to be president, that the government has a compelling interest in mandatory quarantines of health care workers who do not have Ebola (for liberty!), and that parents should be free to not vaccinate their kids (for liberty some more!) because of how vaccines can cause "profound mental disorders," which is something he apparently learned in eye doctor school. (And no, in case you're the last moron on Earth who hasn't heard, vaccines will not scramble your brain.)

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Rand Paul also recently lied about having SO MANY college degrees, even though he actually has zero, but we can barely get it up to give a damn because it's so Standard Rand Paul at this point that it barely deserves mention.

Those are reason Rand Paul shouldn't be president, but the New York Times comedically reveals why he can't be president. Besides, of course, Kentucky's law prohibiting his candidacy in his home state. The Times describes Paul as "the heir to the robust Ron Paul grass-roots network," and yes, please take all the time you need to let that one percolate.

Despite those dumb dyslexic Ron Paul "revolution" signs from 2012 that you can still sometimes spot on hillsides in the middle of nowhere, and the way we all had a good chuckle at Daddy Paul's performance in the Republican primary debates because he was, like, so out there, man, Ron Paul's grass-roots network is little more than a racist newsletter, and if that's junior's big advantage in 2016, then he really doesn't have one. At the risk of looking like a bunch of nerds, allow us to show you a pretty picture demonstrating the actual results of Ron Paul's big ol' network in 2012, to which Rand is (jeez, we can barely bring ourselves to type the words without laughing) the "heir":

2012 Republican primary results (popular vote) by county. Ron Paul's "revolution" is in yellow.

The orange, as you might have guessed, is all the Republicans who held their noses and voted for Mitt Romney; the green is all the home-schooling Bible-humpers who don't think Rick Santorum sounds crazy every time he opens his mouth to vomit on John Kennedy's grave; and the purple is that handful of people who believe Newt Gingrich ditching his dying wives over and over again is a great example of Family Values. Those few tiny patches of yellow? That's Ron Paul.

In other words, LOL, Rand Paul's inheritance of his dad's "network" isn't gonna git 'er done. Nor do we think those, like, four people who are libertarian enough to enjoy Rand's speeches on drones, but not so libertarian that they don't want Dr. Rand Paul crawling up in all the vaginas with his eye speculum to make sure they're not murdering any sperms, are going to put down the bong long enough to show up at the polls on primary day -- assuming Paul even makes it that far, which feels like an incredibly generous assumption on our part.

[NYT/Map via Wikimedia Commons]


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