Rand Paul’s Brain Is Full of Spiders. There’s Also Garlic In His Soul.

coronavirus

It's been a while since we told you how much Rand Paul sucks, so grab an airsick bag and strap yourself in.

Paul, who blocked an anti-lynching bill this year, might've officially become Kentucky's single worst senator when he voted against the COVID-19 stimulus package. Even Mitch McConnell voted for it and he's literally the devil and not the hot Netflix version. McConnell is pre-visit-from-the-ghosts Scrooge who at least gave Bob Cratchit the day off for Christmas. Paul would've had him come in anyway because of freedom!

We get that Paul fundamentally doesn't like helping people. It explains why he's a Republican senator in the first place. That's the job you want if not helping people is a career goal. But Paul takes it to the limit. He almost derailed the first stimulus package when he added a BS amendment at the last minute ending the war in Afghanistan. (You'd have better luck canceling "Law & Order: SVU.")

Paul took the Senate floor Monday afternoon to give his own Reason You Suck speech. He couldn't understand why we are giving “free money" to poor people during a pandemic. Did Republicans suddenly forget what they were all about like when U2 released that weird techno album?

Well ... yes!


Yes, Paul lectured Americans like we're kids asking for an increase in our allowance so we can take Veronica to the prom in style. He dismissed the relief package as a “monstrous spending bill" and a “debts don't matter disaster," because a copy of The Fountainhead fell on his head when he was a child and he's too stupid to realize that COVID-19 relief is what will prevent economic disaster.

How dare the government act as if “deficits don't matter" during a global health and economic crisis! Maybe aliens will invade next year during another pandemic and we'll have blown all our money on this relatively low-key one that doesn't involve hostile Martians.

PAUL: If free money were the answer, if money really grew on trees, why not give more free money? Why not give it out all the time? Why stop at $600 a person? Why not $1,000? Why not $2,000?

This is such disingenuous, heartless crap.

We desperately need to get money in the hands of people who are out of work and struggling. Paul, unfortunately, belongs to neither group and lacks the human empathy necessary to relate.

Americans have suffered needlessly for months while Republicans dithered over what amount of chump change was too much. They feared that the previous $1,200 was so generous that the entire US labor force might collectively retire and fly to Maui. The key point Paul's missing — because he's a walking asshole encased in horse shit — is that we've had this fucking debate.

There's also no such thing as “free money." The government doesn't actually have a job. It exists entirely on the taxpayer dole. And those taxpayers need help now. When Paul voted for tax cuts that added $1 trillion to the deficit, that was “free money" for billionaires. If he's so worried that we'll start handing out free money in the streets like we're the Joker, McConnell probably would've added some fine print about how “offer only valid when 319,763 Americans have died." He just needed to ask, instead he grandstanded.

The big baby also claimed every Republican who did vote for the stimulus package was suddenly Bernie Sanders.

PAUL: To so-called conservatives who are quick to identify the socialism of Democrats: If you vote for this spending monstrosity, you are no better.

Most Democrats aren't socialists, though all Rand Pauls are assholes.

Paul wasn't the only Republican who's apparently OK with the decreasing the "surplus population": Ted Cruz, Rick Scott, Ron Johnson, Mike Lee, and Marsha Blackburn voted “no," as well. Santa Claus should make them write “I am very sorry for what I did" a hundred zillion times before he gives them another present. They are all irredeemable Grinches.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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