Ready To Spend Saturday Night Watching Hillary And Bernie Eat Each Other Alive?

Mature adult conversation. Who knew?

Goody gumdrops, it is time for another Democratic debate! Since last time the Demon-cratics talked to each other on a stage like full-blown adults, a lot has happened! Jim Webb dropped out to spend more time with Republicans. Lincoln Chafee dropped out to spend more time with the metric system. Lawrence Lessig dropped out to spend more time with his WONKETTE PANTIES, which we will never make for him.

So now, the field has been whittled down to two. THREE! Sorry, we meant three. Honest.

What kind of new math is that, Wonket? There are only two candidates left. Is this one of those things like where you say "A Idiot," even though it's clearly "AN IDIOT"? Is you as badness at maths as you is at words gooding?

This man's hard nipples and washboard abs would like to have a word with you, assholes:

He's running from the ocean to the debate stage. Hopefully he'll air-dry before he hugs Hillary and Bernie!

That is Martin O'Malley and he has not dropped out of the race yet. Are you O'Really For O'Malley? Well HE is, and that's all that matters.

OK so that's out of the way, let's talk about the real candidates.

They are the usual ones! Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Whether you are Feeling The Bern (in your pants) or Ready For Hillary (in bed, SORRY HUMA), you can rest assured they will have a jolly old debate, featuring both words and commercial breaks! They will be much nicer to each other than those fuck-knuckle Republicans. Unless they aren't.

What if they aren't? What if they are super mean to each other and there's blood and emails and Benghazi!!!!111! and socialism and HOLD US, WONKETTE!

No thanks, Jose.

But you will be there with us, tell us we're not alone watching this debate!

You are not alone in this debate. There will be your cat, whose name is Beelze-Paws. Stroke him and cry, like you do.

But will you be liveblogging? WE WILL DIE IF YOU ARE NOT.

Science fact, you will not die. But yes, we are liveblogging, because we love you that much.

You love us that much, Wonket??????

Sort of. Click this link and pick a dollar amount and we'll talk.

A Saturday night date with Wonkette! And we have absolutely NOTHING to wear!

Then watch it naked, we like you that way.

But I'm a Never-Nude!

Well then! You've come to the right place! You ought to go ahead and order either your Hillary Clinton T-shirt:

Don't you want a t-shirt that looks like this?

Or your Bernie Sanders T-shirt:

You're not really Feeling the Bern unless the back of his hair is on your hard nipples.

Look at you, all growned up with clothes on!

OK, so where do I watch this thing again?

On televisions or computers or smartphones, probably. Maybe it will be on your two-way radio and you can BEEP BEEP your Morse Code reactions at each other like Common Olds!


Fine, the debate is at 9 PM ET, on CBS. Or on internets at this link. Once again, we do the Googling you either will not or cannot do.

You'll really be here?

Away with you, we are done writing this post.

See you tonight!

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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