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As we constantly chronicle the fuckery of Devin Nunes obstructing justice for Donald Trump, we often forget Nunes is still just a regular shitty congressman with constituents he doesn't pay much attention to. (And he's up for re-election in November, just like all the rest of the House! Donate to his opponent Andrew Janz please.)

Nunes has made his name in California's 22nd district as somebody who is jes' folks, leaning heavily on his status as a dairy farmer. Like, he has been touching cow nipples FOREVER, you guys. There was his cow named Gem back when he was a young man, and we just don't know how many cows there have been since then, but we are guessing A LOT.


Anyway, the point is that Nunes has not actually been a dairy farmer in fucking forever. We joke around a whole bunch about how Devin Nunes maybe perhaps is the type of person who fucks cows, but in no way can you consider that "farming." And at least a few of his constituents agree! They are actual farmers, and they are sick and tired of Devin Nunes lying to them by calling himself a "farmer" on all their ballots, considering how he's totally not a farmer anymore and no matter how many cows' phone numbers are in his little black book (allegedly), any time he spends with them is EXTRA-CURRICULAR and NOT (SAFE FOR?) WORK.

So in that spirit, they have filed a petition in Sacramento Superior Court to make Fucking Devin stop calling himself a "farmer" on the ballot:

The petition was filed on behalf of Paul Buxman, a Dinuba stone fruit farmer, as well as Daniel O'Connell and Hope Nisly [...]

O'Connell is an active advocate for local farmers and is the executive director of the Central Valley Partnership. His Facebook account lists his occupation as an ecosystem services consultant for the University of California system's Agriculture and Natural Resources department. [...]

"I don't believe (Nunes) has had any income from farming for at least 10 years," Buxman said. "He has some interest in a few wineries, but he's distanced himself from those and says he has no involvement in their day-to-day management."

Now, you are obviously thinking that these are Deep State farmers, only going after poor fucking Devin because he is too close to exposing the REAL TRUTH about how HILLARY CLINTON colluded with the DODGY DOSSIER to STEAL THE ELECTION FROM HERSELF, but you are a damn liar and you are wrong! Buxman, the stone fruit farmer, says he used to be a Devin Nunes supporter, and that he still prays for him all the time. He's just fucking tired of Devin Nunes calling himself a farmer, when actually Devin Nunes isn't a real farmer and also Devin Nunes hasn't done shit for the farmers in his district.

Buxman even lists things Fucking Devin has been neglecting, and surprise, they are a whole bunch of Donald Trump Specials:

[H]is well has gone dry and he's lost orchards due to lack of water; his neighbors' workers have been targeted in ICE audits [Donald! -- ed.]; and the recent rush of tariffs has ruined the market for his crops. [DONALD! -- ed.]

The Fresno Bee reports this fun little legal action to get Devin Nunes to go fuck some cows (which is just a common expression for "stop calling yourself a farmer, you fake farmer") was paid for by a Democratic super PAC, and we're just real glad these farmer-type people agreed to be the face of it. We'll keep you posted on what happens, as the Bee reports that this all has to be resolved by August 30.

We literally only wrote this post so we could make lots of Devin Nunes, Alleged Cowfucker jokes, and we feel we have accomplished that, so goodbye!

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[Fresno Bee]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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