Relax, Gays. Eric Trump Is Not One Of Us. (We Don't Think.)
A dumb thing happened on "Fox & Friends" this morning. (Evergreen statement.)
Eric Trump was talking about that stupid damn Bret Stephens op-ed in the New York Times, where Stephens came out as a lesbian named Chris who is voting for Donald Trump.
Wait, that is not it. The Wonkette factcheckers have just informed us that if we had read the Bret Stephens op-ed for ourselves, we would know that Bret Stephens did not come out as a lesbian named Chris, he merely wrote a profile of some idiot Manhattan lesbian named Chris, who is voting for Trump. If she is real, and if her quotes are real, she's a REAL moron.
We have informed the Wonkette factcheckers that we are not reading a full Bret Stephens column and you can't make us, BITE ME.
Anyway, Eric Trump was talking about the Bret Stephens op-ed with the "Fox & Friends" idiot couch, and it sorta sounded like he came out of the closet, which sent no thrills up any gays' legs anywhere in the world, except for maybe that sad "Judd Deere" idiot in the White House. He's pretty pathetic.
Eric Trump: "The LGBT community, they are incredible. And you should see how they come out in full force for my fat… https://t.co/KnD51rx0iP— Bobby Lewis (@Bobby Lewis)1601381676.0
ERIC: The LGBT community, they are incredible. And you should see how they come out in full force for my father every single day. I'm part of that community, and we love the man.
Ew gross does Lara know? Are we going to have to stop calling Eric just "the dumbest one" and change it to the "dumbest one who is incidentally gay not that there is anything wrong with that"? Was he saying he's bisexual? Or trans?
Do Eric and Lara have an arrangement? Is she gay too? IS LARA THE REAL "CHRIS FROM MANHATTAN" IN BRET STEPHENS'S ARTICLE?
Is the real reason Eric Trump was trying to play hooky from that subpoena from the New York AG because his gay card expires that day and he knows he's going to have to wait in line a really long time at the DMV to renew it? Can you even renew your gay card at the DMV? (Ask for "Dave.")
Mike Pence would not like any of this, and it's pretty clear Eric's dad thinks gay men are kinda icky, even though his dad will hump a rainbow flag bareback if he thinks it'll get him votes from deplorables who are gay.
Well, WORRY NOT, gays. We don't have to claim Eric, we don't think.
Go back and read what Eric said and watch the video. He is clearly trying to say a (probably fake) quote from people like the World's Stupidest Lesbian in Manhattan, who allegedly say things to him about how they love his daddy.
It's just that he's a Trump man, therefore he is bad at using his words, and accidentally sorta kinda came out of the closet this morning on "Fox & Friends."
Anyway, in summary and in conclusion, CONGRATULATIONS, ERIC. LIVE YOUR TRUTH!
Whatever the fuck it is.
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