Not pretty.

Hey, remember back a week before the election, when we found out that, on top of allegations that Russia had been cultivating Donald Trump as an asset FOR YEARS, there was also this weird server in Trump Tower that only communicated with Alfa Bank in Russia? That was weird! Unfortunately America was distracted at that moment by startling new revelations that Hillary Clinton's recipe for banana bread might have crossed Anthony Weiner's XXX server, and the rest is history. Trump the Russian Puppet is "president" of America, and Hillary Clinton is doing whatever she wants, because fuck you is why.

Well! CNN reports that, in case you were wondering if that whole "weird server" thing was just bygones, the FBI is still very much investigating it:

Federal investigators and computer scientists continue to examine whether there was a computer server connection between the Trump Organization and a Russian bank, sources close to the investigation tell CNN.

Questions about the possible connection were widely dismissed four months ago. [...]

Slate and The New York Times were first to report the unusual server activity. The Times said the FBI had concluded there could be an "innocuous explanation."

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]CNN, you need to BACK THE FUCK OFF. Slate broke the story, not "Slate and the New York Times." And the Times said the FBI "had concluded" it was probably a big nothing (likely sourced from an anonymous FBI official whose name rhymes with "Homey") because Times reporter Eric Lichtblau, a fucking hack, was on the server story too, and it appears he was pissed that little old Slate had scooped the fuck out of him. Can we please make sure that little detail is included in all future stories about this? Because Wonkette watched it in real time, and it was fucked up. (For the record, reporting by McClatchy several months later pretty much debunked every little detail in Lichtblau's sniveling "waaaaaah, another reporter scooped me" story.)

This is all back in the news, of course, because Donald Dickshit Trump thinks some Breitbart story about "Obama" doing "wire tapps" to Trump Tower is actually a thing. According to CNN, the FISA court did not do a "wire tapp" to the server, but the Justice Department is understandably not commenting on an ongoing investigation, because Trump Tower Computer Server is not spelled H-I-L-L-A-R-Y.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]After Trump embarked on his storm of molten Twitter sharts about that, the dillweeds at "Fox & Friends," spurred on by the right wing fever swamps, concluded that Hillary Clinton was actually in on the #WiretappScandal, because she tweeted about the Slate article when it came out at the end of October. The "Fox & Friends" kids are real stupid like that.

Now, we are not sure what these servers are doing with each other, or even if they're using condoms with each other. The Trump team and others have said it's spam or something, and maybe that's true! Maybe the servers in Alfa Bank in Russia and the Trump Tower in New York are just endlessly bouncing back and forth a spam email about how if you attend the big sale at the Big Lots, you are entitled to a gift certificate for two free buffets at Ryan's Family Steakhouse, and it's just no big. Why did Trump Tower send the Russian bank that coupon alert in the first place? To be nice, is why, and because again, they ONLY COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER, so who else would they send it to?

OR maybe those servers communicated with each other about the Trump team's (alleged LOLOL) collusion with Russia to steal the election.

OR maybe they are laundering money.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]OR maybe we were right, even though we were just bein' silly at the time, to wildly speculate that Melania Trump is actually a Russian spy, who started the whole Russian cultivation of Donald Trump, by agreeing to lie underneath him IN HOLY MATRIMONY while he grinded his stale erection up against her bathing suit region. Hey, somebody is still living at Trump Tower, and it is Melania.

An interesting detail to remember about the sexxx between these servers is that when reporters started poking around the story, all of a sudden the servers stopped going "BING BONG!" at each other, only to restart again quietly a few days later, with the connections configured all different-like (insert computer words here about DNS addresses and connections that we, yr lowly Wonkette, ain't even begin to understand). Weird, right?

Anyway, the FBI is still looking at it, and they will either find #TheSmokingGun or #ASmokingGun, or maybe they might find some really great spam emails, or maybe Russian pee hooker porn, we don't even know.

Hey, know who ELSE had an email server? Anyway, give Wonkette money, as a love gift, because that's how we run this place, instead of shitty ads.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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