Rep. Duncan Hunter To Plead Guilty To Multiple Counts Of Being Duncan Hunter
Duncan Hunter, who is still a congressman somehow, has finally accepted that the In-N-Out party is over. He plans to end his yearlong legal shuck and jive and plead guilty today to an assortment of dumbass crimes. Hunter and his wife, Margaret, were indicted last year for illegally using more than $250,000 in campaign funds for fancy Italian vacations and even fancier trips to Costco. Prosecutors had these dummies dead to rights, and Margaret Hunter accepted her fate in June. She was cooperating with the prosecution, which pretty much meant Hunter's ass. The Republican congressman (still? really?) decided that he doesn't want a trial because he just realized he has children.
HUNTER: I think it's important not to have a trial for three reasons and those three reasons are my kids.
It's probably never a good time to pull children out of school to watch Mommy help send Daddy up the river. Although, Hunter had tried for months to stick his wife with the tab for their joint crimes. He claimed in August that Margaret "handled all the finances" as his campaign manager, and he personally never spent any money illegally. His chivalry was overwhelming, but Margaret Hunter isn't a common Felicity Huffman. She had receipts. Prosecutors also had receipts for Hunter's early morning Uber rides of shame after hooking up with multiple women who weren't Margaret Hunter.
Hunter's lawyers had filed for a change of venue, preferably to the part of California where cops get away with beating up black men on camera. This motion fell on its face because Hunter literally just won re-election in his district last November, during the blue wave midterms no less. It might've saved his case and even his soul if he hadn't run a gross anti-Muslim campaign against his Democratic opponent, Ammar Campa-Najjar.
It's been a ridiculous journey to this point, but Hunter is finally ready to accept responsibility for his actions because prosecutors have sealed every possible legal rat hole.
HUNTER: I think it's important that people know that I did make mistakes.
Oh, believe us, we know.
HUNTER: I did not properly monitor or account for my campaign money.
That's some passive bullshit right there. He's acting as if he looked away from the campaign money for just a second and it wandered off. Next thing he knew, the money had purchased tequila shots, video games, and airplane tickets for a damn rabbit. The money's in therapy now but the damage was still done.
Hunter is only a lowlife crook who passes off his own personal expenses as "charity" or donations to veterans. He's not a woman whose scumbag ex leaked nude photos of her to conservative media, and who resigned over a relationship with a campaign staffer; rather, his affairs with congressional aides and lobbyists, paid for with campaign cash, are covered under the well-known adage that "if a Republican does it, Nancy Pelosi can't say dick." So, it's still uncertain at this time if he plans to leave Congress with only an ashtray, a paddle game, and a remote control. If he stays in office, he'll have to work remotely. Federal sentencing guidelines recommend eight to 10 months in prison. His lawyers will argue for leniency because Hunter served in the military with the distinction of never stealing anything during that time, that we know of.
The sensible thing is for Hunter to resign, just like his indicted Republican brother on another coast, Chris Collins. Former Republican Rep. Darrel Issa has considered coming out of retirement for Hunter's seat. His district is so safely Republican, after all, even an accused felon can win there!
However, it wouldn't surprise Yr. SER if Hunter thought he might still come out of this relatively unscathed. Sure, he'll plead guilty but maybe Donald Trump can save him from his Deep State witch hunt persecution? Hunter has advocated on behalf of accused war criminal Edward Gallagher. He identifies with Gallagher because he apparently also took trophy photos with corpses. Donald Trump personally intervened in Gallagher's case and issued pardons for some other psychopathic "war fighters." Perhaps Hunter hopes that Trump will make this December the one to remember and fill his stocking with a shiny, new pardon.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."