Report: Ted Cruz Jizzed On All The Pillows

Dunno where that finger has been.

Let's talk about Ted Cruz's wet spots. Oh yeah baby, he has some. He's not Lyin' Ted anymore. Now we have to call him Leakin' Ted, and we need to take a moment to feel very sorry for the laundry lady at Harvard who had to probably use pumice stones and demon repellent to wash the Cruz Jizz out of his pillow slips every day. OMG WONKETTE, U R GROSS, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING NASTY JOKES ABOUT?

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Well! Remember how Ted Cruz was real concerned with keeping dildos out of Texas Funholes as solicitor general? His college roommate, Craig Mazin, made a HI-LARIOUS tweet joke about how, hardy har har, that must be new because he wasn't just a Master Debater in college, he was a boner fide WONDERWHACKER PUD-PULLER POCKET POOL-PLAYING MASTURBATOR TOO!

But his roommate made another tweet too, which went less noticed. This one was REALLY gross:

Get it? You understand what he is saying? We think we understand. Let us 'splain:

When Ted Cruz would see a tempting piece of lady flesh at Harvard, Devil Satan would sneak up his butthole and poke around until evil sexual arousal struck young Ted. He would pray to Jesus for it to go away but Jesus would LOL at Ted's prayers. Yes, the savior of all humanity would instead run around Heaven telling all the angels how that punchy-faced Canadian Ted Cruz has a stiffy right now.

Meanwhile back in Cruz's dorm room, he would know he had to do something, but he didn't know what. His roommate was sleeping right there! And God was watching! Ted was pretty ticked off, and it takes a LOT to tick him off!

Ted would think, "Maybe if I just subtly rub my poutine-streaked gigglecock against something, the demon semen will leave my body!" This was a good idea, because that is actually how masturbation works, #sciencefact.

So into bed he would climb, and quiet as a mouse he would disobey everything his dry-drunk evangelical dad had ever taught him, by pulling his pants down and exposing Little Ted to "the elements." He would mount his pillow and wiggle around a little bit until UNGHHH! He would make that sound. UNGHHH! He would make this face:

It only took those two strokes, except for the times it only took one stroke.

It wasn't the masturbation that awakened Ted Cruz's roommate. It was the sobbing.

[Craig Mazin on Twitter viaRawStory]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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