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Republican Sen. Pat Roberts of Virginia or Kansas, whatever, has decided to pretend like he maybe wants to keep his job. He's got a terrific new way to reach out to all those Kansas independents whose votes are suddenly in play, something middle of the road and mild and definitely not partisan. Just a typical politician's I Heart America So A Lot (with Bob Dole -- yes, the Bob Dole -- looking bored as hell in the background):


There's a palpable fear among Kansans, all across this state, that the America that we love, and cherish, and honor, will not be the same America for our kids and grandkids. And that's wrong. That's very wrong.

As a result, people unfortunately are losing faith in their government. And turn it around. Government is losing faith in our people. That is a bad situation to be in. And I will tell you that one of the reasons -- we're not going to get partisan here -- but one of the reasons I'm running is to change that. To change that. There's an easy way to do it. I'll let you figure it out. But, at any rate, we have to change course, because our country is headed for national socialism. That's not right. Changing the culture, changing what we're all about.

For a minute there, it seemed like Pat was just going to give the standard snoozefest stump speech at the Ford County Town Hall, filled with half-hearted platitudes about how the children are our future and how the country has changed since the last time he was conscious during an election, which was around the same time his background prop and former fellow senator Bob Dole gave it to his wife the natural way.

But poor Pat, who has never had to worry about losing his Senate seat in blood red Kansas, and who probably has no idea that the young kids these days prefer the term "Kenyan Socialist Muslin," went a little off script there (we think; we hope?) when he casually warned, in a non-partisan way of course, that we're headed straight toward national socialism. Oops?

Honestly, we feel sorry for Sen. Roberts. (A little. Not that much.) Despite his unpopularity and, um, lack of residency, he was prepared to coast to yet another victory until those meddling Democrats made a "corrupt bargain" to try to, like, beat him. Chad Taylor, the Democratic challenger, dropped out of the race, giving Democrat-turned-independent challenger Greg Orman a realistic chance of sending a non-Republican to the Senate for the first time in almost a century. All with the help of the leftwing radicals on the Kansas Supreme Court who ruled that yeah, that's fine, they can totally do that. Democracy, yo.

Suddenly, Pat has been forced to wake up from his daydreams of playing basketball with the president while explaining the necessity of tax cuts (especially for the aviation industry). He's facing daunting poll numbers that probably aren't going to get any better for him. His best chance of holding on to his job is to hope that the sneaky, shady Republican Secretary of State Kris Kobach finds some way to keep the no-longer-running Democrat's name on the ballot, so that confused voters might vote for the guy who isn't running instead of the guy who is.

That's a pretty pathetic electoral strategy for a Republican from Kansas. Certainly, Roberts didn't expect to have to get up from his comfy couch in Virginia and actually campaign in the state he ostensibly represents. Which is why we can hardly hold it against him for letting a little thing like WE'RE GONNA TURN INTO NAZIS ANY SECOND NOW slip from his unrehearsed lips.

Shhh, there there, Sen. Roberts. It'll all be over soon, and then you can go back to your home in the state or commonwealth of your choice and spend all day dreaming about playing hoops with Obama.

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