As Donald Trump once again sucked all the oxygen out of this week's news cycle, Republican leaders decided not to waste a good Constitutional crisis by killing off their own an election security bill and mocking Democrats. Who says patriotism is blind?

Wednesday Trump's White House and Republican leaders quietly knifed a bipartisan bill to shore up election security ahead of the 2018 and 2020 elections. Led by Oklahoma Republican Sen. James Lankford (of all people), the bill would have created a handy "How To" manual for election security, make states conduct audits after federal elections, encourage them to buy new voting machines with paper trails, and allow DHS to share classified material with high-ranking state election officials. As this was a common sense proposal that had the support of every Democrat and a number of key Republicans, it died a miserable death in a dark smokey room.

Mitch McConnell declined to comment as he wiped blood from his hands with an American flag, and a White House spox said it "appreciates Congress's interest in election security," but noted the bill would have stepped on the toes of states who really didn't feel like fixing the crumbling foundation of democracy.

According to them, some states think that Uncle Sam doesn't need to barrel down the highway with an army of 11-year-old whiz kids to fix the 'ol voting doo-hickeys. So what if DHS can't tell state election officials about the crazy Ivans sneaking through the tubes. They're doing just fine without any new fangled votey poking machines -- thank you very much! -- and they don't need some fancy suit to tell them how to vote Republican (like God intended).

Then, just as they were wandering back to their shantys, two Republican think-tanks noticed that karma had jumped out of the phishing hole to bite them on the ass. On Monday Microsoft noticed the same Russians who hacked the DNC were trying to break into the International Republican Institute and the Hudson Institute with spoofed websites. Rather than sit back and watch, some nice nerds decided to get a court order to kill the sites rather than let all sorts of credentials get sucked up and perverted. Thanks, nerds.

So far there have been five Democratic congressional candidates that have reported similar hacks from Russian IPs this summer, including Missouri Sen. Claire McCaskill and Florida Sen. Bill Nelson. While details remain under wraps for most of the hacks, Sen. Nelson has warned several Florida counties have been penetrated only to be mocked by his super rich Republican opponent, Gov. Rick Scott. In cruel twist, any info on a hack would be classified, and since McConnell just murdered the bill that would have fixed that problem, we'll never know if there's Russians getting wasted away in Margaritaville.

Perhaps this is why someone at the DNC slammed the panic button earlier this week when they noticed a spoofed website trying to access critical voter data. Fortunately this was a test by a security company to see if anyone was would notice the hack, and see how they would react. After people stopped freaking out, security experts noted that the DNC staffers did exactly what they should have done in the event of an attempted breach. And that's why the RNC immediately sucker punched the DNC, and gave them a wedgie.

It's funny because Hillary didn't go to Michigan, not because Republicans have spent over a century trying to strip away voting rights and the Russians haven't really given a shit about the RNC! So what if Trump MIGHT have conspired with a hostile foreign power to swing the election through a covert influence campaign. It's only a little light treason.

[Motherboard / Yahoo News / Mother Jones / WSJ / WaPo / New Yorker]

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.

In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"


In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!

Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!


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